To go without her?

[ThreeGirl]

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

Yes there’s a whiff of that.

And I believe the upshot is - we just feel sorry for the step kids in her life

DH usually sees her a couple of times a week, she sometimes comes over on the evening of the week that I’m out and he takes her out for dinner either just her or with SD11 quite often too.

According to him she doesn’t have any actual problem, she’s just busy with her mates and would rather be at her mum’s. We have younger DC too and she gets more freedom there.

She doesn’t want a relationship with you so expecting fun outings is unreasonable. You’re taking other SD, not their dad. She can’t have it both ways and he’s very stupid to try and make you change your plans. Feel free to tell him so. As for “all 14 year olds are selfish and rude” which you’ll always get on here. No. They’re like that if the parents let them be like that and they don’t turn into decent adults if they’re pandered to or rewarded for being bratty and unpleasant.

Yes yes... I'm with it now I think

I don’t think you should reschedule because it’s not fair on SD11, but explain to the older one that this was a treat for her sister. Take SD14 to do something she will enjoy another time

But I do stuff with one kid and not the other, and I birthed them all. Sometimes it's for something specific or it's an interest only one of them has or it's about timing.

The secret is fairness not sameness.

OP tell older one you're sorry she wanted to come, she isn't normally up for theatre and this was a reward for an exam, however you'd love to organise something just the two of you and ask what she'd like to do.

Chances are she'll ignore you, if not maybe it's a chance to improve your relationship

Didn't you come here for advice? But you don't want to hear it?

Of course you should have asked her OP. Ask her now if she wants to come and apologise explaining it was an exam treat/you didn't realise she would want to join, however you would love it if she does. The theatre should be fine to fit her in.

Also texting once a week to someone who isn't really engaging seems a lot. Do you have a family chat you could use instead?

This is how I feel.

She’s a nice girl, I don’t think she’s selfish or mean. She’s just busy with her teenage life. I don’t take it personally!

The history behind it all is that I offered to pay for both SDs to learn an instrument when they were young. SD14 never got into it and gave up as soon as we said she could. SD11 works hard at it and passed an exam.

I try to instil a “hard work pays off” ethic in SC and DC and reward them when they achieve their goals. SD14 has previously interpreted this as me being unfair to her but I don’t think it is.

Could be a nice opportunity to start building a better relationship with her?
As long has the 11 year old is happy with her coming.

She's 14, have you met a 14 year old girl before or remember being one? Every emotion, thought feeling, physical changes are happening all at once all while her brain is still developing, they're not known for having a particularly stable thought process and ability to communicate like a sensible adult. Give the girl a chance, it could really be worth it.

Remember she's the child you're an adult with experience of navigating emotions and complex relationships.

Edited to be slightly less rude, as I hadn't seen your most recent update before posting!

I wouldn't get pulled into the politics and I'd be firmly delegating the decision to DH.

"DH, as you know, i asked youngest to come to the theatre and booked tickets. Eldest now wants to come and I can't add another ticket. Do you want me to take youngest as originally planned or would you prefer thaf i go alone with a friend amd bith children stay home and are treated the same."

Tbh though, I think you should have asked both and I don't think it's for you to instil any "hard work pays off" ethics, just treat them the same.

You don’t need to include everyone in everything you do. One on one time with younger sd is allowed. Explain this and offer a trip out with older sd. And don’t let her make you feel bad.

14 is old enough to know how to behave, eg not be rude, reply to people. Its just basic courtesy. Stop making excuses for her. And here's the thing, parents love their children unconditionally. Step parents however do not, and therefore don't have to deal with that shit if they don't want to.

OP you are not being unreasonable. Her dad can take her out somewhere if he likes. Stick to your guns.

I can see why she'd be upset then. She didn't take up the music...she probably feels punished for not choosing to keep it up or not excelling at that.

I know. I am a stepparent to a 14 year old 😂

But also people need to realise that stepkids don't get a say in their lives and step-relationships. Just because her Dad chose to marry someone doesn't mean the stepdaughter has to like her. But a stepparent has to be at least fair to all the stepkids... she chose this the teenager didn't.

I'd go ahead with the theatre trip but find something equally suitable for you to do with your elder SD. It would show you are hoping to have a better relationship with one on one time. If you invite her and she ignores you or declines, then that is her prerogative.

To be fair I agree with you, they don't get a choice. I think someone above said fairness and sameness are not the same thing, which is probably a better way of putting it 😀

Exactly. I think it would have taken 2 minutes to send a text saying "If you want to come, let me know by X time as I need to book tickets"... no response, no tickets.

Or if at the time the 'deal' was made to pass the exam, if something similar had been put in place for SD14 more tuned to whatever her skillset is etc.

I think k it's very telling that the night she chooses to go to Dads, is the night OP isn't there.

I did message her a few months ago about a film that was coming out, asking if she’d like to see it with me the following weekend (she liked one of the actors) and she didn’t reply.

I can’t help but feel our relationship is quite transactional on her side and she’s only interested if I’m buying her something or offering a trip somewhere enviable.

I do remember being a teenager and don’t take it personally. But I wouldn’t have expected expensive trips from someone I couldn’t be bothered to text on their birthday.

If this is the case I would text her and explain it’s a reward for her sister and ask what she would like to do one on one with you instead.

If she responds it will give you a chance to bond.

Without knowing any backstory or history, if these were your own children it would be absolutely fine to do things with each child individually.

In this example I would say the trip was organised with younger DD specifically as her treat so not going to rearrange, but what would older DD like to do for her individual treat.

I don't see why you wouldnt have given warning on when you were going to book before booking and sorted it out back then, if the plan changed then I would have still gone ahead with the one

If you really wanted both there that is

She might have similar feelings about you regarding you offering to buy them a musical instrument etc and that not being her thing. Her sister has done well and is going to the theatre, she didn't click with it and gets left behind. Who knows what goes on in her mind. Being a teenager is tough, I didn't always understand my own emotions yet alone have the capability to communicate them with my parents yet alone a step mother who I didn't feel close to.

A few people have suggested I text older SD to explain it’s not going to be rearranged as it’s younger SD’s reward, but ask if she’d like to do something 1 on 1 with me another time. I will do that. I’m not expecting a reply though.

I think this might be the right thing to do. Explain it’s a reward for SD for exams and something she picked and as other SD has never shown any interest in the theatre tell her this is why you didn’t invite her but say sorry if you got it wrong.
Then add if she’d like a trip out doing something she fancies then to let you know. Ball in her court
She may be a child but 14 is old enough to have some manners and not ignore messages.
I hope it goes ok.

SD13 used to be really great at swimming when she was SD11’s age. She once won a swimming gala and her reward was taking three friends to Thorpe Park. We’ve always done rewards for achievements. She’s given up swimming now too but we’ve said we’ll reward her with money for certain grades in her mock GCSEs next month.

She’s not, in my eyes, being treated unfavourably. But I know less about her life and what she’s up to than SD11, because I don’t see her or speak to her, which gives me fewer opportunities to congratulate her on anything. I’m not going to transfer her equivalent cash whenever I spend on the other children.