To go without her?

[ThreeGirl]

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

I think you tell your H, she was invited & didn't reply, this is a reward for SD11, (just like SD14 was treated with her friends when she won the swimming gala.)
You are happy to take them both another time, the tickets are non refundable, & you are not cancelling on SD11 as she will be disappointed, having passed her exam.
Lesson learned for SD14, she should have responded when asked.

How do you know the theatre should be fine to fit her in? Perhaps the show is sold out? Perhaps all seats near OP have been booked by others? The theatre can’t fit her in if there isn’t an available seat.

Shes a teenager so the onus is on you to maintain a semblance of a relationship with her… Having said that, you knew she didn’t particularly like the theatre and it’s a treat for younger SD who does enjoy it. I’d go without this time but in future give her a heads up. Maybe think of a treat just for her next time too.

She wasn’t invited, op, didn’t tell her prior.

op didn’t sound like the even likes dsc14 at all.

OK, I misunderstood

This

In my experience most theatres in the west end are showing long running shows and have spare seats. If there isn't currently a seat next to you they can move you so you can buy another one.

I appreciate shows sometimes sell out when they go on tour round the country etc. However, given OP mentioned to daughter there being lots of things she wants to see I imagine they are in London.

Irrelevant now anyway as she still hasn't invited her other SD

Do you have kids @ThreeGirl ?

Your DH seems like this weird sketchy figure in the background…. Spectating his children with their step mother

Are the kids siblings? Aren't you worried about showing strong favouritism?

That might make the elder one not think fondly of you in future. And she's a child. You're an adult. You should try to nurture a relationship with her rather than excluding her because you say you barely know her and that it's her choice.

You say they have other siblings?

This

I don’t blame you booking something for SD11 and SD13 not being factored in to it. She sees you regularly, she has a closer relationship to you, you both like the theatre so common interest. It’s an innocent oversight in my opinion, driven by her lack of contact with you.

This. And I say that as someone who has multiple step parents and very complex family dynamics.

As long as older DD has also got the opportunity to earn some kind of reward for an achievement, then its not reasonable for her to expect to come on the theatre trip that was booked as a reward for younger DD.

Yes she’s a teen and they are self centred so to be the adult here OP, you have to keep doing what you’re doing inviting her; messaging her; even when she doesn’t reply.

But if you let her demand this whole thing be rescheduled so that she can attend; what is that teaching both her and younger DD? Younger DD worked hard to earn this reward, but older DD gets the same because she had a wobbly over it? Not a good behaviour to encourage.

Seriously if she’s that rude then I would just ignore her.

Would you completely ignore your own teenager @Wildefish ?

I think you are not being unreasonable. It’s a treat for SD11 for doing well , if she does well in something then she gets a treat then

in the meantime speak to dh and tell him you are contact SD 14 and get nothing back so he needs to take that forward with her

It's fine to invite just the 11yo if it's a special treat/reward for her. I'd only invite the 14yo if the 11yo is happy for her to come and the venue can accommodate. Don't reschedule. Offer something equivalent to the 14yo for another time, and make a note that she likes the theatre so you can make an extra effort to include her in that type of outing going forward.

She has read my message and not replied. Apparently she’s told SD11 that she doesn’t want to go anymore.

She’s not ignoring her. The teenager is ignoring the OP s messages, and has done she says for months. Yes, if my DD or SD was being rude when I message and not returning texts then I would not be running after them. If the SD wants to be included she needs to acknowledge messages at least most of the time.

I don't take it personally!

You very clearly do take it personally. That's abundantly obvious from your earlier posts.

The history behind it all is that I offered to pay for both SDs to learn an instrument when they were young. SD14 never got into it and gave up as soon as we said she could. SD11 works hard at it and passed an exam.

I try to instil a “hard work pays off” ethic in SC and DC and reward them when they achieve their goals. SD14 has previously interpreted this as me being unfair to her but I don’t think it is.

But you're not rewarding 'hard work'. You're rewarding a child for enjoying a hobby that the other child doesn't enjoy. Playing an instrument is a leisure activity. It's meant to be an enjoyable thing that someone enjoys learning to do. If SD14 didn't enjoy it, that's not a character flaw or a sign of laziness. Not everyone is musical. What's she supposed to do? Force herself to spend her own free time doing something she hates just to get your approval? Would you choose to spend lots of time and effort on a hobby you hated?

I feel really sorry for SD14. You're showing appalling favouritism and I'm not surprised she feels hurt.

Ugh. Horrible.

Shocked you asked one without asking the other, unless of course you want them to feel ostracised!

Yes, they’re all his children. Two are ours, three are my SC.

If you see my earlier posts, we rewarded SD14 for her swimming achievements at SD11’s age too, and will be for her GCSE mocks.

I’d struggle to know what to reward her for right now because she doesn’t speak to me or spend time with me, so I don’t know what she’s up to. She’s still invited on all family events and gatherings, but declines.