To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

[Salsa2026]

Only asking on AIBU for traffic as other sections seems to get no views.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

For those who do know what it is, have you ever experienced it? How did it all pan out for you?

I think I’ve had limerence before, and I think (am quite sure actually) that the guy reciprocated my feelings, but he was married and we never crossed any lines. I never would in that case.

Oh yes, many times. Even when I was supposedly happily married. The window fitter, one of my sister's boyfriends (!), one of my friend's husband (!), a near-neighbour once. It's actually really embarrassing - and the only thing I can say in my defence is that I never once acted on it.
It's an obsession that dominates your waking hours, and a fantasy that this person is the man of your dreams and your soulmate - even though you hardly know them - you're just sort of projecting your "ideal" partner onto them. But then it stops just as quickly, and you think what on earth was I thinking?!
I'm divorced now and I often wonder if this was some sort of indicator that my marriage wasn't meeting my needs in some way.

Agree ADHD makes it worse! I'm 3 years in with a limerant infatuation and it drives me nuts. He's not interested in me at all, and normally that would be the end for me in an ordinary crush, but this one just goes on and on. I keep hoping it will fade, and try to actively make that happen, but I can't shake it off.

We're both single and similar ages, and I think part of it is that I'm slightly pissed off that he doesn't fancy me as men generally find me reasonably attractive. So it's endless hours fantasising about him reciprocating, and one kind word from him can trigger weeks of daydreams where he's in love with me too. I suspect he's aware I have feelings, but politely ignores them, which is infuriating!

Totally agree, it's a stalkerish crush. Calling it a fancy name doesn't make it any better.

In my experience of limerance, the thoughts were almost beyond my control, really intrusive. I just wanted them to go away and had to actively try to think about other things. They were massively distracting. On both occasions, I broke contact with the men who were the subject of my attention and that did the trick and I’m in a much happier place now with a new partner than I was in my marriage. Limerance in my experience is not stalkerish behaviour because I was fully in control of my actions and behaviour- it was the thoughts that I needed to get under control (if that makes sense!)

I had it - I am on a reddit forum about it and lots of us have ADHD. It was the most awful time of my life. He was the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night and every single second in-between. I would have loved to become his girlfriend. We haven't spoken for a couple of months and I'm hoping that not being in touch will help with the obsession going at some point. I still think about it alot but it's not as bad as it was so maybe can't call limerence any more.

Me too! 22 years and counting here.. I don’t think I’d leave my marriage as my Limerance focus is an awful human and my husband is amazing but that passion we had when we were together was nothing like I’ve experienced before or even after. I don’t know how to get over it, it’s now annoying and at times can take over your life

Having done a bit of reading about limerence, I think what a lot (not all) of posters are describing are just intense crushes or intense relationships. Neither of which are limerence

It does not have to involve stalking.

Gosh yes, back in my late 30s but I don't know if I would call it limerence. It was the most horrific crush I've ever experienced, and I would jump off a bridge than ever go through it again. I think in hindsight it was a bit of a MH crisis.

Not me, but I think my DD has experienced this.
I'd say limerance is a form of mental disturbance, it's a one way obsession and can be both extremely upsetting but also creates a very satisfying dopamine high.
I don't think it's a coincidence she is ND and has OCD. It's very similar to the kind of pattern of thinking she gets with an OCD spiral plus hyperfixation.
It's not something she finds enjoyable but does miss it when it goes.
She is friends with the most recent object of her intense (and unreciprocated) feelings and now it's over she's a bit puzzled about what she found so attractive about him as he's a nice enough bloke but really not all that!

For me, when it came, it came out of the blue and within 3 months i knew i was going to - Had to ! - leave my husband (of 14 years). I could not go on in a marriage with the feelings i had for this other man. I was possessed by it, it was like a whirlwind, it was like i'd really only just woken up properly as a sexual person, even though i was ... well i was no innocent lamb.

We were like a pair of animals together. I craved him like a drug. On the days i didn't see him he'd be on my mind ALL day. My work suffered. His work suffered. His family thought he'd gone mad. My friends thought the same. On the days i did see him it was like being high as a kite.

I made my plans. I told my then husband that it was over. I said i was sorry, i'd fallen head over heels for another man and I was going to move out of the marital bedroom, and eventually the home. And that's what i did.

18 months later mr.limerence and i moved into a home together. That was 20 years ago and i'm still completely obsessed with him. And he with me in all honesty. He's the same. Almost worse really. We're married 15 years. We have a DD together. Hes a fabulous dad. Soppy and he spoils her rotten 😊

We've been through some awful shit together, but we are still as enmeshed and intense with each other as we were back when we met. We can't be apart. Suffocating one would say, definitely. But we're so happy.

So what is it?! (in the words of Cat 😉)

Wow, I did not expect that ending @Laiste !

For anyone suffering from limerance, as I have in the past, there are some good websites out there, such as this one: https://livingwithlimerence.com

If it really is a hopeless, chronic crush, you have to show yourself some self compassion, but try to set about recovering from it, as otherwise you can literally lose years of your short and precious life to it!

I agree with the person above that it often is a a side effect of ADHD. I think the dopamine cravings, the ability to hyper focus, and the tendency to mask making it more difficult to establish authentic relationships, all play into this.

Yes, it’s awful. I experienced it with a colleague, I never knew if he was single and didn’t want to say anything on that basis. I left the job, not because of him, but it was a relief to get away from him. I’ve noticed even now, nearly a year down the line, if I’m stressed, he’ll pop into my head, I don’t know if obsessing about him was a diversion from
everything else that was going on.

No, I've never experienced it, which surprises me as I have quite an obsessive personality!

MN has such a strange disapproval of this sort of thing.

There is nothing wrong with words that more accurately describe something that is too specific for a broader and more rudimentary word.

Language is useful.

Language is useful when it's used properly.

So many grown women on here with crushes using the word 'limerence'.

Equally so many posters hate the sound of people eating (which is a completely normal thing to hate), but they all have Misophonia.

It's a spectrum at the end of the day, and someone's own distress can only be known and described by them, or a medical term diagnosed by a professional (plenty of which disagree on a case by case, individual scenarios where spectrums exist and diagnosis is behavioural and/or internal).

Never personally seen it used inappropriately on here – in all the posts I've read it's been a highly distressing experience for the OP, which is not the result of 'a crush'.

No point getting annoyed at self-reporting.

MN is strange on a number of issues I find.

Me! It makes me cringe but yes me! More than once.

I think mine stems from the fact I was emotionally neglected as a child. So I just want validation and to feel loved.

I used to love that spark and connection.

It's a real headfucker that's for sure. I'm more cynical now I'm a bit older and generally don't like people enough for it to ever happen again 😂

Definitely more obsession than crush.

Cringed just writing that sentence. I gave myself the ick

I agree with the ADHD link. To me, limerence is like when I hyper-focus on anything, only I am hyperfocusing on the object of my affection.

None of them have ever known. I am very plain and, when young was the sort of girl where people would pity the person that I got a crush on. I think it drove me to keep all feelings underground which made limerence build out of what would have been an ordinary crush if I'd been allowed to voice it.

Yes, I have.

One was relatively short lived, it was a celebrity and not one I had any hope of meeting so there were obviously limitations as to what I could do (ie nothing). But for about two months I was completely infatuated to the point I didn’t get any work done as spent hours googling and reading about him. I also bought dvds of his early films that had to be shipped from the US.

I had a job interview during this time and I even managed to shoehorn him into that conversation which is something that comes back to haunt me to this day
(Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, but surprisingly that wasn’t the reason, and I did actually get a job at that firm at a later date).

In hindsight, this was in the run up to my wedding and I think I was having cold feet / second thoughts and it just came out in a strange way.

Another one was an obsession with a man from
a hobby. We flirted and that’s as far as it went externally but internally I was obsessed and thought about him 24-7. I would do my make up and put on fancy underwear when I went out to the hobby, just “on the off chance” something happened. In reality, I would never have done anything, and it was just never even really a possibility. So the fact I did this is baffling to me. This was a year or two after I got married and I’m not sure what caused it. I’ve never cheated and pretty sure I never would.

The other notable one was many years ago when I heard that an ex boyfriend had died. We had quite a short, volatile relationship and I didn’t think of him much in the intervening years. Until he died and I suddenly started mourning the life I could have had (he had quite a glamorous job and had a very comfortable lifestyle living in Europe (various houses) and I became obsessed with the fact that I could have been living that life. I contacted his widow to pass on my condolences and she replied and was very polite. I didn’t say anything inappropriate, just said we had known each other years ago and the exchange was fine, but internally I also became a bit obsessed with her and looked all over her socials etc. Very much regret being such a creep and even messaging her at all. Luckily I did keep all that creepiness hidden, but I still regret it.

I’ve had other crushes over the years, but those are the 3 that stand out as having gone too far.

edited to add - I do have a personality that get hyper fixated on things

Yes and it was hideous.

He was a slightly older married colleague - tall, dark and handsome type. We work in a niche close field anyway so these things do happen but I’m also married and just never expected it to happen to me… We basically had an EA.

We found excuses to spend more time with one another, had all the usual body language signs of chemistry and attraction, he’d go out of his way to single me out and big me up to anyone who would listen. I felt pathetic around him even if I didn’t show it outwardly- my heart would be constantly racing, so much so my watch would give me a health warning! I really fell head over heels for him.

He lost his job in a round of redundancies (common in HE right now) and returned to his home country for work just shy of 2 years ago now. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I’ll be honest and say I had to go through counselling and I’ve only very recently managed to get through days without him passing my mind. It was incredibly intense for the first six or so months after he left- I would literally cry sometimes just thinking about him. It honestly felt like grief. I had to stop contact with him (we emailed for a while) because it was preventing me from moving on. It got easier gradually but as I say, it’s been almost 2 years and he does still pass my mind just not daily anymore.

I wish I never met him.

Yes. It was mutual. It was never going anywhere as we were both married. I got another job and moved away. We meet up for a drink occasionally and the feelings have gone.

It is constantly used in the wrong context.
It is something that mainly happens when someone is ND/ has OCD or has suffered trauma. It’s related to maladaptive daydreaming.
I have had it many times mostly when I’m off meds. It is as horrible as any other intrusive/ obsessive thoughts and bears little relation to the actual person. It’s actually usually based around a fictional, idealised version of a person rather than the real person.
The misperception about limerance I dislike the most is that it involves stalking/ harassment. Most people with genuine limerance have very limited if any interaction with the person. If they did it would destroy the illusion.
One of the dangers of having it is that when you see an idealised version of someone, you don’t just whitewash physical realities or flaws, you also assume they are a good, kind person and they very much may not be.
This happened to me once when I was a lot younger. I think the whole point of the crush was that the guy was in a position of authority and I thought he was showing special interest and being kind to me. When he intuited that I had a crush on him, it put me in a very vulnerable position and I found out that he was actually a very unpleasant, predatory person. I learned an important lesson from that.