To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

[Salsa2026]

Only asking on AIBU for traffic as other sections seems to get no views.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

For those who do know what it is, have you ever experienced it? How did it all pan out for you?

I think I’ve had limerence before, and I think (am quite sure actually) that the guy reciprocated my feelings, but he was married and we never crossed any lines. I never would in that case.

Yes. I get an episode of it every few years or so. I’ve now realised that typically it happens when I’m very unhappy in some other area of my life - so it becomes an escape from reality.

It eventually fades, usually after about a year. It’s absolute hell while it’s ongoing - although it does have some positive side effects for me like rapid weight loss.

My last episode of it really terrified me. I genuinely nearly put a bomb under my whole life because of an insane infatuation with a man I’d met in person once (and frankly, a very average man - I created a whole fantasy persona for him). I’m now working to address the root causes because I can’t risk that happening again.

If you’re interested there’s a psychologist on Instagram called Sasha Blossom who posts quite a lot about limerance.

I’m no expert (!) but @deveronvalley seems to be most accurately describing what online definitions call “Limerence”.
It I think is frightening rather than satisfying and not fun. It’s not like looking at Kit Harrington and thinking that’s beautiful and imagining what you’d say or do with them (I swear I haven’t 🤣). And it’s frightening for the recipient of the attention. It isn’t like “does he like me sexually, I know he shouldn’t, do I, I shouldn’t”. But then again, I have no idea what it’s like to have strong feelings about someone I know nothing about other than what they look like and/or say to me. But I think some people do get that way and that’s not a fun thing

Yes, but often when this happens the object of your desire is simply leading you a merry dance which makes the limerence worse. I know, I’ve been there. Wasted at least a year of my life.

I think I have with an ex, it doesn’t feel like a normal love more like when your a teenager and are in love with a boyband.. Total fantasy.
Im happily married and am aware it’s ridiculous.

Yes. At the time it felt like I was on happy drugs and I felt so alive!! They were the first thing I thought of when I woke in the morning. Everything I thought or did revolved around my crush. It really was all consuming. Every time I went shopping it was to look for clothes for when I saw them. I only saw them a few times a year but oh boy, the planning!! The right outfit, getting hair and nails done. I even got disposable contact lenses so I’d look good for the brief one hour meeting! One hour together but months of intense planning.

Not at all healthy. I knew that but no way was I going to stop because to me then they were my entire life.

My first was when I was 13. It lasted two years then just disappeared. I phoned them. Call didn’t go great then suddenly “poof!” It was gone. All my feelings for them left the second I put the phone down. It was very strange.

Usually they end because a new one is starting but my last one just fizzled and I’m finally limerence free. I thought I’d miss it as it’s such a happy drug but actually I’m enjoying not embarrassing myself by acting like a love sick teenager because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop dropping them into so many conversations. Maybe menopause is why it’s stopped.

I am autistic and I think it’s linked. We have hyper fixations. For men/boys it’s often gaming/pokemon/trains but I read that girls/women are more likely to hyper focus on people.

Great thread OP!

I get very strong crushes, I don't know if they are limerance, or just normal biology and being attracted to someone I could have been in a relationship with if things were different. I suddenly notice someone, and it's not just fancying them or thinking of a bunk up, it's much more intense. It's thinking about them all the time. Dreading being in the same room but also wishing it. Hoping you weren't looking too long, that others haven't noticed. It feels like being a teenager in love, trying to analyse the signs to see if they like you back, even though you are a respectable middle aged woman. It can go on for months and then one day, gone.

I totally get this. I have been in the 'burn it all down' place too, and I realised it was because I was unhappy in my relationship, and I needed to leave for that reason, not for some poor bloke that has no idea the life we are living in my head!

This is a really interesting take, I am also autistic and can definitely see the link. My difference is it has become worse for me during peri-menopause. It's like my body is on a drive to share the last eggs out and my mind is helping by making me fixate on poor unsuspecting people!

I still don't really understand what it is.

A wild passion?
Meeting the love of your life?
Pure lust?
Obsession (enough to make you leave a marriage)?
Meeting 'the one'?

If any of those are limerence then yes i've had it. It's still going on after 20 years.

Either that, or they just know that it can’t be but enjoy flirting, wondering ‘what if I was single?’. The guy I liked didn’t try to mess with my head. In fact he likely didn’t even know I liked him; I wasn’t making any special effort to talk to him.

Yes quite a few times. Dizzying highs but dark lows. I do love the intenseness though.

Yep. Married colleague.... cant get over him. Don't know what it is, dont know if its worse because i can't have him. Spoke to him other day for all of 5min, went back to work was so distracted I drilled holes in the wrong place in 1 unit and forgot to drill some in another. Threw me off. Was told how happy I looked one day and all I could think was because id just had a chat with him.

Yes!! My last one started when I was 40. It wasn’t really a love interest as I am happily married as were they and I didn’t want that to change I just wanted them to notice me and maybe, just maybe … like me!!

But oh boy, my sex drive!!! It went from 0 - 100 overnight. My husband thought all his Christmases had come at once!

Very peculiar!

Thanks! I’ve experienced pretty much all of what you describe, except for the looking for the signs of him liking me. I think that was maybe the problem: he gave obvious signs of liking me, to the point that other people (friends) made joking comments about it. That then intensified my liking of him, which had been mild and just a, “hmm… he’s handsome and interesting”, passing thought when I first met him. Then realising that he found me attractive seemed to send my brain into overdrive and made me really crave his attention. Perhaps it was due to our brain’s need to be liked, and liking to be liked? That’s just armchair psychology from me though 🤣

My exh was in limerence with his 10yr senior work colleague. She was not only 10yrs older but very overweight and really short and was a lorry driver. He left me and his 3 kids for her leaving us all devastated. It didnt work out for him as hes now in limerence with someone else and leaving her devastated.
I see how it changed him both times. He didnt eat, sleep and was constantly on adrenaline.

No. It’s never that. Almost never as I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule but they are slim to none. The idea of ‘what might be, if only’ feeds the limerence. And they play on it.

Isn’t it basically a crush?

Like a full on celebrity crush would be limerance?

Once.

I felt physically unwell or giddy a lot of the time I could do zero work.

I geniunely thought i was losing my mind / mentally unwell because the man i was obsessed with / dating was UNHINGED wildly unsuitable clear latge waving red flags - yet still i was mad keen to date him / build a future.

It was a dumpster fireball car crash....obviously.

If someone really, really wants to be with you? They will find a way.

Name changed as I suspicious colleague knows me on here.

yes, have had a little bit of a thing for a guy that I work with. Get on like a house on fire. It escalated for me about a year ago and was intense and uncomfortable for me over the summer months. Couldn’t sleep, eat, or think. In the autumn, we had a bit of a professional disagreement. It got sorted quickly but it ruined him for me! Bottom dropped out of it instantly. I am still fond of him but having observed him with a more cynical head on, I realise that whilst we do have a great connection, he gets on similarly with multiple numbers of our colleagues. He was special to me but it never went the other way. Glad I never acted on it. I think the rejection would have been hard to bear.

Having an unhealthy, obsessive desire for someone who is beyond your reach. But not just a massive crush. This transcends crushdom. Your entire world revolves around ‘getting’ this person or having them reciprocate your desire - which they may appear to do. But ultimately, it’s a fantasy. A really big, all-consuming fantasy.

I looked it up a while ago because I had come across this in an article online and the defining feature in the article seemed to be length of time. At this point I had had a long-standing 'mega crush' on a woman at work and was wondering why it seemed to be lasting so long. I still have it now, must be about 5 years at this point and has it's ups and downs in terms of intensity but never seems to quite burn out. Sometimes it's really strong and other times I don't go even to a work night out even though I know she'll be there. It's the oddest 'crush' I've ever had. The wildest thing I've ever done in relation to it is looking her brother up on social media because she doesn't have it (I posted about an accidental 'like' on his page on here actually 😅) but in general I'm not obsessed at all. I mean I am 'obsessed' in how I think about her but shes not all I think about, if that makes sense. The fact she doesn't have social media is maybe a factor in the 'mystery' staying alive, along with the fact we don't work together directly. I don't really have any ideas of her Iife or fantasies as such, for the most part it's an 'in the moment' thing. So from what I know of limerance, it doesn't really fit the definition and the original article I read was wrong. This is just a nice, low key, long term crush. Of course I interpret everything as quite thrilling and as potential reciprocation, but in reality I know it's not really. And I know I'm far too old for this but I can't imagine not having this crush now

I’m sorry you went through that. Often when men leave their wives or partners, it isn’t for someone stereotypically attractive. I hope you’ve found happiness since then.

What if they don’t know that you like them though? (And they don’t always; not everyone is obvious with their feelings and acts like a teenager batting their eyelids and giggling…)

I was 43 and my partner had left and I had a newborn. I became infatuated with a man who was 28 and had just moved home to be with his parents who were 50 and my friends. He had no career or job and yes it was unhealthy. I really wanted to be with him and dreamt about it. I couldn’t understand it in the same room I was blubbering mess. He wasn’t even that attractive and we had nothing in common. I can only assume it was baby hormones. I moved away and stopped seeing him and then he got married a couple of years later. It lasted about a year though and now I look at him or photos of him and go - what was I thinking? 😂