To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

[Salsa2026]

Only asking on AIBU for traffic as other sections seems to get no views.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

For those who do know what it is, have you ever experienced it? How did it all pan out for you?

I think I’ve had limerence before, and I think (am quite sure actually) that the guy reciprocated my feelings, but he was married and we never crossed any lines. I never would in that case.

It's an obsessive romantic infatuation - so a mega crush really. Where people can start projecting certain interpretations based on their feelings. I.e. He had a spare KitKat and offered it to me... do you think it means he feels the way I do? No, it means he gave you a KitKat because he had a spare/wasn't hungry.

I've had crushes, but not mega ones I don't think, because either those crushes have developed into a reciprocal relationship (and you're allowed to mega crush on your partner!), or they have and the crush naturally dies out. Once I know someone doesn't fancy me it's much easier to turn off my attraction to them. It's the obsessive part that is the problem, because some people really take it to the next level and read so much into nothing, and/or are so infatuated that they feel sick around the person, or start to change things in order to feed that infatuation. Like changing jobs, hair colour, living accommodation... in order to feed it and that's really dangerous and is also the kind of thing that can lead to stalking.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

It just looks like another attempt to pathologise normal human behaviour, namely infatuation.

You’re right, infatuation is normal to an extent, but there is a point where it’s considered unhealthy.

Yes with my ex. We had a very traumatic experience and I thought I loved him. I did not. I was obsessed with him and it ruined me for years.

if its stopping you from doing your job properly, sleeping or you are making silly decisions then its gone too far

I've had a few mega crushes that affected me mentally but they passed and i went on to have a normal healthy relationship

csn you say why you think it’s limerence

I agree with what you’re saying, but limerence can also happen if the attraction is mutual, for example if the limerent object (the ‘mega crush’) has expressly said, or strongly suggested (ie multiple appearance compliments, and treating you differently o others). It can just be that the relationship can’t happen because the crush is moving abroad, or lives far away, or is married, or is a colleague at work, or a good friend’s ex…. There’s an all manner of scenarios.

I think it’s harder when you know that the crush does like you back, but it just can’t be. It takes longer to get over… but maybe that’s just me.

I have it every three to four years. It’s always at a distance and recipient hasn’t a clue. Married 25 years and it’s like a way to have that alive feeling. It always fizzes out and I look back and think WTAF

Well I am in love with someone who is in love with me but we can't be together because he lives on the other side of the world now. He was partway through a divorce but his wife fell ill and they have children - she moved to be closer to her family through the illness. We never speak because it would be too hard and in the end the divorce didn't happen because of the illness and his need to care for the children as well as her. I wouldn't call it limerence though, it's love with nowhere to go.

Yes. It was mutual and devastating, but we both moved on eventually. Very hard to comprehend how I could put up with the situation- also hard for my friends and family to watch I’m sure….

I think whether it’s limerence or not depends on the mindset of the person. You can be in love and not in limerence, or in love and in limerence. If you had been obsessed and unable to focus on anything else other than the man you talk about, then maybe that would’ve been limerence. But just loving him, and it not being able to go anywhere, isn’t limerence.

In my case, I could tell the man liked me (he made it obvious and others noticed), but it could move to anywhere because he’s married. So I obviously kept my distance, but I just felt kind of hollow and sad, and I couldn’t crush on another guy, even if I wanted to. I think that’s the limerence, that deep sadness and inability to move on

Yes - like a PP every few years. It’s hell. It’s extra hell (and more common) in combination with ADHD, imo, since it hits all the dopamine seeking buttons.

Well we were both in a relationship and I wouldn't have called myself infatuated - very happy and in love - but not infatuated, because even before he had to make a tough decision, it was clear that life wouldn't be all plain sailing dating a divorced man with three children. So not limerence on either side for us I think. I still have the ring he bought me for my 40th saying that in the future he would want to buy me a different type of diamond ring to cement his commitment to me. I still love that man but have had to say to myself that it wasn't mean to be in the end. Took me a long time to get over it and I am only really just there now. I don't think that love and limerence are the same thing, I think love replaces limerence if that makes sense?

yes I have several times. I have OCD as well thoughts, the two are often linked.

Limerence is so overused on Mumsnet.

It's like women see the word 'crush' as too juvenile so they call it limerence instead.

In the same way they'll call a boyfriend of a few months their partner.

Yep. Lasted for years. Them one day it was as if the clouds parted and the sun shine down and I finally accepted he was never going to feel about me the way I felt about him. And just like that, it stopped. I look back and realised I had a lucky escape.

Yes, for a work colleague. I believe it was mutual (but never asked). It was very distressing and I ended up leaving the job as a result, and it only went away after a year or so.

Not myself, but looking back I think someone else had it for me.
We were friends and shared a drunken kiss at a party. I woke up to see congratulations messages, and found out she'd publicly announced that we were in a relationship.

I tried to talk to her, to explain that it was just a drunken kiss from my side, but she became extremely upset. After that she found any and every excuse to see me, and bombarded me with reasons we should be together and how much she loved me.

Months later I told her I was in a relationship, and she took it extremely badly - I had to call her family to get her as she was talking about SH.

I cut ties because I thought it was the best thing to do for both of us, but it was truly awful to go through as we were such good friends beforehand.

A crush is a pleasant experience, like having a crush on Mr Darcy from P&P and watching it 10 times.

Limerence is unwanted, intrusive and upsetting

Going through it now it's awful and consuming

I know exactly what a crush is and what limerence is.

My point is, I think a lot of MNetters either don't, or they prefer the word limerence because they think it sounds more grown up than 'crush'.

In the same way some people will claim to have anxiety when they're actually just anxious about something.

Most of you are describing unrequited love not limerence!

No. I apparently have a weird brain. When I love someone, everyone else (of romantic potential) becomes irrelevant. I am surrounded by men in my working life and I’ve never, even once, in more than 2 decades been tempted, despite a fairly large amount of propositions (I’m not special in anyway, but a lot of men will try to shag anything!)
That’s me though and I know an awful lot of people who have suffered from limerence. Some ignored it, worked through it, it passed. Some blew up their whole lives for it and are now, invariably, alone and regretful.

Yes, now for two years, it’s intrusive thoughts really, obsessive thoughts, it really feels like a mental illness, the person in my head I’m obsessing over is not even that close to how they are in real life, it’s a completely idealised version of them. I still look forward to seeing them as it’s the closest I can get to the one in my head. We are both married, it’s not a real crush. It’s many hours a day of obsessive thoughts, really can get in the way of real life sometimes. I thought I’d shaken it with non contact for a while but then I started seeing him around a bit more often coincidentally and the fantasy version came back. Absolutely sick of it now and it’s quite upsetting, just like an addiction. It started with the real life one showing a bit of kindness to me, nothing extraordinary really but I really latched on, he has no idea, probably thinks I’m a bit aloof really!

Yes. With limerence the feelings can be reciprocal, it’s just that a relationship might not be possible

Only over completely unobtainable people.
John Taylor (Duran Duran), Peter Murphy (Bauhaus), David Sylvian (Japan) in my early teens
Ian McKellen when I was about 15 (yes, I was fully aware he is gay)
Peter Garrett when I was about 19. It's faded but I still think hes hot.
Wesley Snipes as Blade (in my 20s)

Im nearly 60 now. Happily married.