To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

[Salsa2026]

Only asking on AIBU for traffic as other sections seems to get no views.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

For those who do know what it is, have you ever experienced it? How did it all pan out for you?

I think I’ve had limerence before, and I think (am quite sure actually) that the guy reciprocated my feelings, but he was married and we never crossed any lines. I never would in that case.

In which case it should be known as 'unhealthy infatuation' 😄.

I think the label limerence is a bit silly.

Oh yes. I'm here with him right now. If he has any idea he's very kind about it ... which kinda doesn't help. This too shall pass, meanwhile I shall enjoy it, and him.

I don’t think it’s silly; I think it’s a term psychologists use to define when an ‘infatuation’ has become an unhealthy condition; those cases where it’s not a crush and a bit too much fantasising, but is impacting significantly on the person’s ability to function.

Perhaps he also likes you..?

I think we could cross-reference this thread with the 'Food Noise' thread, as there's a similar problem with people who have never suffered from it being dismissive and telling those who have had, or do have, it that it doesn't exist and they are just being silly. Or weak willed. Or both.

I have traits of ADHD but I don’t want to send/diagnose as I don’t think that’s wise!

My experience is very similar to yours, except that my crush (who was married and 15 years older) was sparked by him making it obvious that he liked me, which then made me start to like him, a lot. One day, after he’d complimented my looks and talked for ages to me about a common interest, I just had this rush of feelings, my heart beat faster and I just thought, ‘oh my god, I really like him’. I never flirted or acted like an idiot though; one thing I am good at is masking my feelings and staying cool.

I also know that the man likely just saw me as a potential f!ck, or eye candy (find that phrase cringe but …), and did not give a toss about me beyond that. I, however, couldn’t stop thinking of him..

This. It happens with most mental illnesses/conditions.

Yes I did, and he liked me too, however when it came down to it we had nothing in common, I didn’t feel that comfortable with him and he was manipulative and controlling. All the fantasies I’d built in my head were never going to happen in real life, we weren’t star crossed lovers. It was very sad for me because obviously the chemistry felt so strong and six months later I wouldn’t say I’m over it. I guess I pined for the potential that I hoped for, not the reality I found.

Yes it’s the ‘potential’ definitely that puts petrol on it. I think getting a creative outlet really helps, in my experience it’s creative people that come up with the best fantasies and if they could let that talent loose
elsewhere then the limerence fades.

my advice is find a project. Ideally something creative. Or force yourself to get the ick. Think of him running along beside
you wearing a back pack, or opening a loud Velcro wallet. Or spinning around in a barbers chair with the big cape on. anything that will ease it. Use those creative ideas to cure it.

Following for ideas as I am rather struggling with a case of limerence at the moment! I have had it before and absolutely hate it, but it's been a long time as I have been off dating for years. Now I've recently met someone I fancy a lot and it's going well so far but my head is going again, even though actually I want to take it really slow on every logical level the peaks and troughs of dopamine are messing with me badly! May try some of your ideas @3luckystars, I like those 😂

If you wouldn't mind posting the link to the forum or the name I would be keen to join? I need to sort this out 😂 I also am pretty sure I have ADHD, not diagnosed but my son is on the pathway and a lot of bells have been ringing...

I had what I thought of for years as an unrequited love, which I now think was limerence. I turned an interesting, charismatic, attractive, but relatively normal man into a golden god in my mind. As soon as I realised he was never going to be interested in a relationship with me, although we did have some moments of emotional and physical intimacy, and got on well, I expected the feelings to die down, but they didn’t. I actually house shared with him for FOUR YEARS because I preferred to be close to him tormenting myself than not be near him. After I moved out we stayed distantly in touch and I thought the feelings had gone, but a couple of years ago they massively flared up again. We are both happily married to other people. I would never want to be with anyone except my DH. Honestly it felt like I’d lost my mind. I was aware it was all very odd and wrong but I felt obsessed and had to have some therapy to get through it.

I don’t have ADHD but was told i don’t fit the diagnosis because I didn’t show any symptoms in childhood - in adulthood I have a lot of similar traits to people with ADHD. I also have some childhood trauma that I think is linked in some way with this experience. There was a strong element of falling for someone I almost wanted to be - who represented things I thought were missing in myself.

The best way I can describe it now is that part of my mind became obsessed, awestruck and detached from reality, while the other part of my mind remained firmly in reality, tired, confused and embarrassed by the thoughts and feelings, but unable to overcome them.

That's how I distinguish attraction from limerence. In Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, Dorothy Tennov stated that "limerence is felt in the mid point of the chest." The intensity is painful - I remember having a bad cold and thinking the cold was a physical equivalent to my emotional state. A number of terms allude to it causing distress or being like an illness: douleur exquise, heart throb, heart ache, being smitten, having it bad, or being lovesick.

I haven't experienced limerence since I was a teenager. The first time, I was under ten. That might be a controversial claim.

I can remember hoping my 'limerent object' would come last on sports day so I could get over him (he never did). Like a PP, he embodied what I longed to be myself, being sporty and popular (he was two years above me in primary school). It lasted two years, ending abruptly.

Fwiw, I have AuDHD, early trauma and OCD.