To ask if you’ve experienced limerence?

[Salsa2026]

Only asking on AIBU for traffic as other sections seems to get no views.

If you’re not sure what limerence is please google it as my definition would be clumsy.

For those who do know what it is, have you ever experienced it? How did it all pan out for you?

I think I’ve had limerence before, and I think (am quite sure actually) that the guy reciprocated my feelings, but he was married and we never crossed any lines. I never would in that case.

No it’s more intense than a crush; it impacts negatively on your ability to function, and affects decisions that it shouldn’t.

What if they’re older and have been married for years?

No. After googling the definition I'd imagine that actual limerance is fairly rare. I'd also guess that those who experience it have either a lot of unresolved trauma or other significant MH disorders.

I'm also guessing, by the number of previous posters semi-lightheartedly 'admitting' to it, that many people haven't googled and aren't aware of just how disordered and mentally unwell a person experiencing this would likely be.

Why are you obsessing about what the name of it is though? Romantic feelings are on a huge spectrum from ‘they’re kinda hot’ to ‘I’m not sure I can live without them’, everyone’s different, every crush is different, and the circumstances around every crush is different. Those factors all play into how intense it is. It really doesn’t matter what it’s called. It sounds tough, my only advice if you know it can’t happen, is to create as much emotional and physical distance as possible between you and it will eventually go away

Much more intense than a crush - 99% of your waking hours are spent thinking about them and how they perceive you; analysing their behaviour for signs they like you; replaying interactions with them and constructing elaborate make believe scenarios about them in your head, etc. It can affect your ability to function and carry out your day-to-day responsibilities.

Another frequent (although not universal) feature of it is that it has very little to do with the actual object of the desire. As in, you create a fantasy about that person that doesn’t reflect the reality of them at all.

So you could conceivably have limerance for a celebrity, but it’s not the same as having a celebrity crush.

Ah ok I googled it and I see what you mean now. To me, limerence sounds more like a mental illness or psychological condition, perhaps triggered in some people by crushes. I thought it could fit into the definition of a very intense crush until I read the bit about it potentially lasting months or years. I think that’s the major difference- if you’re still experiencing this level of intense attraction for more than a few weeks it maybe is limerence

A crush, I suspect rather than limerance.

My senior school teacher. I would loiter to see him. Visit school after I left. Create dramas so that he needed to help. Write a diary about him. Somehow I once borrowed his tracksuit top - I sleep in it!

My hairdresser, owner of a swish salon. Loitering outside the shop. Driving past at the end of his working day. Making appointments so that I was his last customer. Listening to where he socialised and turning up.

A neighbour. He was a friend of the family. Cancelling events so that I could be at home when he called. Driving miles just to see him driving towards me. Walking every night, past his house. Just a glimpse of him was enough, even better if he was outside and we got to chat.
That was reciprocated though and talking to him, he had spotted me years before…the visits to our family house were to see me, he had walked many a time, behind me, going into town. He stopped me in my car, he visited when my parents went on holiday. Grooming wasn’t a thing then, but when I look back…

My children’s hairdresser. A guy with an awful reputation, similar pattern, walking past the shop, driving past, hoping to bump into him etc etc…

I mean I’ve had 2 or 3 crushes in my life where I’ve obsessively thought about them every second of every day, been so preoccupied i couldn’t think about anything else, analysing everything they did for signs they felt the same way, creating our fantasy life together in my head. But the difference is I think, that intensity only lasted maybe a week. It seems with limerence it lasts a lot longer

Completely agree

"Maladaptive daydreaming" is similarly overused on MN.

I've experienced "limerance". A couple of times. It was really unhealthy.

Living in a fantasy world doesn't mean you're interesting. It means you're lonely, unhappy and not coping well.

Twice. Once with a previous boss. And another time with a male friend in a hobby group. I was married at the time so didn’t act on it at all, but I’m pretty sure the feelings were mutual. My marriage had problems and I’m sure that was at the root of it. It was pretty horrible and intrusive, and on both occasions I stopped all contact with the ‘crush’ and it took over a year for the intrusive thoughts to subside

Yes and it’s awful, actually painful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I guess I had that on my manager at work, we're married now. But it wasn't straight forward - currently undergoing an employment tribunal due to how I was treated when we 'came out'.

I think you need to be really careful. If people at work have picked up on it, then you’re at risk of ruining your professional reputation. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself.

Take a good hard look at your life and find out what it is that’s brought yourself to this point where you’re obsessing over another woman’s husband and whether he fancies you? Worst case, if he starts picking up on there being something more and feeling uncomfortable, you could find yourself being done for sexual harassment!

It’s horrific. It’s all consuming. Your life revolves around thoughts of one person and they become the centre of your existence, at the cost of the real relationships and people around you. Every decision you make is based on them. There’s the adrenaline and excitement, followed by the most horrendous lows, like crashing onto concrete. Zero stars, do not recommend. You feel helpless. It lasted 8 years. I’d trade a lot to get that time back.

No, but the discussion here reminds me of the novel, "By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept", by Elizabeth Smart.

Was the limerence 8 years of a relationship with this person or 8 years of having a crush on them?

No, I’ve never even had a crush on anyone. I don’t really understand it tbh. I’ve been in love, and I am in love but it has always grown from mutual attraction. I’ve never had unrequited love, that’s not saying I’m gorgeous btw, lol

Here’s a question for those of you who have had the painful experience of limerence A where would you have wanted things to “end up”? Because some of it sounds like you wouldn’t actually want something to really happen but the anxiety side brings out obsessive thoughts/rumination and stakerish behaviours (no judgement when actually stalking is t present). Like is it essential that it can’t happen?

Neither. It was limerance.

But surely a limerence can become/exist alongside a relationship if the subject of the limerence feels the same way and you get together…what happens to the limerence then? And by ‘crush’ I meant was it a limerence where the feelings were unreciprocated

Generally, and certainly in my experience, limerance is triggered and sustained by the unavailability of the limerance “object”. It’s more about the thoughts and idealisation of what could be, rather than the reality of what is…it’s borne out of an unhealthy attachment style.

OMG - I definitely had limerance with an ex from 20 plus years ago over lockdown… very intense feelings and was reciprocated- he was worse if anything! It was so stressful! I’m grateful he lived a few hundred miles away or I know we would have met up. After 9 months of it, his wife caught him messaging and it was all out of the bag! I felt gutted, but realise it was for the best now…. For a few years he tried to contact me under the radar, as we missed each other I guess…. But it’s slowly dwindled, think we both have hectic lives and know deep down it was just a bonkers thing!! I still miss him, or rather, that intense connection, it really is powerful and scary if I’m honest!!

Yes for almost 20 years now. It's a form of mental illness really, very different to just having a crush.

I don't think what you're describing is actually Limerence OP. "Limerence is characterized by intrusive, constant thoughts, idealization of the person, and an desperate craving for reciprocation. It differs from love, being more of a volatile addiction."

It's not two people who fancy each other but can't be together for whatever reason.