Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Well, you can definitely apologise retrospectively, but the damage might be rather embedded. . .

I don't think it would do any harm to apologise but don't link it to anything else like how often you see them and when.

Your relationship with your daughter in law isn't going to be the same as with your daughter, it's not unusual for there to be the difference you've noticed - don't make it into a thing.

Good Lord what on earth were you thinking! I don’t think an apology will change your relationship. You’ve made your bed OP……

You can apologise but I would absolutely hate my MIL to just "pop in" randomly to see me.

I’m the same as your DIL with any guests, I like to know in advance they’re coming. Not like an hour in advance but a day. If someone had made a joke about dust I’d definitely feel the same way as your DIL with not wanting you dropping in.

Even if you apologise she might not want you popping in. AndI’ve never invited someone upstairs to help with a nappy change - bit because I dislike them, just doesn’t really occur to me as something someone would want to do.

My MIL did a similar thing and cleaned my toilet on the first day of a two week stay.

I also spend hours cleaning before she comes over now!

Also I didn't know that helping with nappy changes was a desired bonding experience for grandparents? No one has changed my dd except my DH and I.

Unfortunately you’ve made your bed op. Of all the things to say why would you do that? My mil made a similar comment when mine was little, i was having the shittest of days and honestly it pushed me over the edge, i was very cagey with her after that.

Your little joke wouldn't have made me laugh that's for sure.
And poppers inners are usually a pain in the neck.
I would apologise but don't be surprised if nothing changes.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning

to which your response was…….?

You need to apologise asap if you dont want to miss out on anymore time with your grandchild.

Sadly some things can't be unsaid. She will know the kind of thing you are thinking now, even if you don't say it.

And saying the things aren't "jokes".

Yes! Definitely sit down and chat to her about it and say you feel terrible about your tactlessness!

But only do so if you are genuinely sorry and if you do not anticipate anything in return.

I think you need to recognise that your relationship with your dil is different to that with your dd, and they may still prefer to have advance warnings of your visits; not everyone loves their mother or mother-in-law dropping in unannounced, and even more so when there is a young baby in the home and there are certain time windows for play, sleep, eat, bath etc. Try and be a bit more sensitive op.

I think it's too late to apologise now? Unless you have a better relationship and an open heart to heart, say DS just reminded you of the conversation and you are mortified, don't know what you were thinking, you're in awe of how well she cares for baby etc etc.

Just make sure you are 100% positive in all your comments, support her and follow her wishes with baby. Bite your tongue if you feel like saying something critical. Offer to help as well as just see baby?

My MIL did this to me when I was in the early days of a pregnancy that i
hadnt yet told her about.
id spent the previous week laid out flat exhausted, puking and anxious as this was a fragile and precious pregnancy.
I have never forgotten it
Totally not needed or helpful and another reason I barely have a relationship with her

Apologise. Bring her a gift and tell her you hadn’t realised your stupid joke had caused her so much hurt. Remind her you come to see her, not to see how clean the house is. Tell your son to pull his weight and clean the house so she doesn’t feel the need to deep clean when you come.

My mind is absolutely boggling at "not being invited upstairs to nappy changes".

Can anyone explain to me what this is about? Why would anyone invite anyone else to wipe a wriggly baby's arse? Is this something you do with family members?!

I don’t think she’ll want to talk about the ‘dust’ incident again. I think you’ve rather burned your boat there.

You aren’t being kept away from your DGC, just your access is being carefully managed. I think you really just need to accept this, and when you visit, instead of making barbed ‘jokes’ or ‘comments’, be kind, supportive and complimentary about your DS and DIL’s life, home and choices.
Time may heal things. It may not. 🤷‍♀️

I think you should apologise, wholeheartedly and sincerely.

I think you should tell your DiL that you respect her as a person, a mother and a part of the family.

I think you should read the room and stop trying to pop in, and stop trying to “help” with nappy changes etc. It doesn’t take two people to change a baby. Your DiL sounds like she doesn’t want this kind of relationship with you.

Relax and enjoy the nice things about being a grandmother.

I think it is worth apologising, but that the seed might be planted too deep by now. She may well feel like she's being compared negatively to your DD and that might be hard to come back from

Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I actually think apologising is a terrible idea! I would just continue with the less spontaneous set up. It sounds fine

The thing about apologising at this point is that it might look like you're only apologising to get something (a relationship where you can just pop in). I don't think you're likely to achieve that tbh.

My mil would never pop in on us either and that works great. I doubt she'd want us to pop in to her either! It isn't the be all and end all

Come on OP you know they werent jokes, they were put downs at her most vulnerable time.

Oh dear, that was silly. Yes, apologise, with no strings attached.

You have a lot of ground to make up. Start with a sincere apology and work your way from there. But don't expect miracles, she may not ever trust you. Personally I'd probably secretly dislike you forever more but then I don't forgive and forget easily.

i know it doesn’t make it better but she wasn’t pregnant at the time - this was about 4 years ago