Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Absolutely apologise but I think the damage is done!
That’s not a joke, it’s incredibly rude.

Be careful with your apology as I suspect you are likely to dig a deeper hole!

Ouch. Honestly, snarking about dust in someone else’s house is rude. I realise you were having a normal conversation with your son and he probably didn’t think twice about it, but your DIL doesn’t understand your shorthand. So maybe she’s just constantly wondering what you’re going to find fault with next.

Rather than apologising for what you said years ago, try being congratulatory/supportive about the good/admirable things you see in front of you now (and keep your trap shut about everything else.) Verbalise the things you see your son and DIL doing well. Be a booster and a cheerleader.

Don’t do it all the time (to the point where it gets weird) and don’t be transactional about it (ie expect an instant invitation to pop by any time you like). Think of it more as ongoing restorative work. Show her you can be steadfastly supportive and tactful, not a critic.

You clearly have no social filter whatsoever @Yogarunningcoffee

how you think it was OK to sneer at a bit of dust and make them feel bad in the process is anyone's guess.

and you can't even see what you did was bloody rude and insensitive. Seems like you're doing the apology after the fact begrudgingly. Otherwise why come on here and ask, you should have do it the day after,

there's no hope for you and no point giving any advice.

Absolutely apologise. Your daughter in law would know that your son told you so you should acknowledge it with an apology.

Perhaps you could take this as an opportunity to reflect. I’m not sure why you need to comment on people’s houses. Coming from a mother/ mother in law, those comments will always be loaded.
If you want to build bridges don’t ask to drop in, but if you want to be spontaneous perhaps drop off a treat or similar but make it clear you are dropping off only but can’t come in.

As a Grandmother myself, there is a BIG difference between popping in to your DD and popping in to your DIL. I'm sure there will be some people who disagree - due to different relationships etc but I think you are just expecting too much.

I'm not sure why you'd need to be invited upstairs to watch the baby being bathed or changed. How old is your DGC? Have you babysat at all?

I get on great with my DS and DIL but I am very aware of boundaries and expectations. It's their home and routine and they don't want you checking up on them - that's what DIL will think - even if you don't mean it - but I'm thinking that a little bit of you doesn't approve of her ...

I would have a genuine chat about how sorry you are and try to make it up to them both. But remember your expectations are not the same as theirs/hers. Don't push it!

The shitty passive aggressive jokes aside, YABU to expect to be able to randomly text last minute asking if you can stop by their house. There’s nothing more annoying than someone trying to constantly insert themselves into your home when you’re just trying to go about your day and get stuff done with a baby.

It has stuck unfortunately i .don't know why you even "joked" about it, no wonder she isn't comfortable with you dropping in, you can apologise but it is probably to late , although why would you be invited upstairs for nappy changing?

It’s a bit of dust - grow the fuck up all of you. DiL is being massively over sensitive, performatively so. Oh no she said there was dust I must spend hours cleaning 4 years later - this is a ludicrous over reaction.
Also, all the comments about the harridan of a MiL who made a joke - this would push me over the edge - I’d cry for a week if someone said this to me. Just endless drama about bloody dust.

Yes, I have had children, yes I did let my standards slip, no I did not care. Yes, my MiL made some spectacularly insensitive comments, but she’s human, she made mistakes, I imagine I did as well. I have 2 DiLs who I love with all my heart, I’ve made mistakes and so have they. We get on because we share a love for my sons, and that love has spread to each other as well.

This thread is women, making life difficult for women. Making out like dust is worth ruining relationships over, like a comment dig (or mistake) is worth ruining relationships and carrying that bitterness on to the next generation.

OP sounds like you made a mistake, all you can do is apologise. If you DiL holds on to the anger that is a shame and will make her life harder. Love your son and your GC and hope love wins over bitterness.

My MIL used to say things like this sometimes, and to me it was water off a duck's back because I knew she was a warm, kind, generous woman, who wasn't always tactful, but would always be there for me, her son, and our kids, and I loved her. We could all practise being a little less touchy and a little more forgiving.

My MIL made a comment when my baby was tiny that I took very badly. Now, many years later I realise it was just a comment but at the time I found it upsetting and I never felt the same about her again. I just never really wanted anything to do with her. I would suggest you apologise but it may be that things don't change. Also she's not your daughter and you aren't her mum and so the relationship isn't ever going to be the same as daughter and mum.

I agree with you 100%.

First of all your ‘joke’ was in really bad taste,

Secondly, I don’t think you will ever have a relationship where you just ‘pop in’ and why would you want to go upstairs? I hate people ‘popping in’ and surely most people don’t go upstairs in someone else’s house. You are one of these parents that wants to treat your Son and DIL’s house like it is your own.Are you nosey?
I have a close relationship with my children and their spouses and I see them regularly but I never drop in on the spur of the moment because they are very busy and I respect their free time. They don’t have time to entertain me. My children’s lovely ILs are the same.
As both we and our children’s ILs provide childcare, we are often at their house when when the parents are not there. The only reason to go upstairs would be if a child needed something from their bedroom but I would never ever go into other rooms and neither would my children’s ILs. They might be in a mess (like mine).
I think you relationship with your DIL got off to a bad start and you could apologise but I don’t think this is going to lead to a relationship where you can intrude at will.

I’m afraid I’ve been on DILs side of this situation and it’s just horrible feeling judged in that way. In my case I also spend hours cleaning before those family members come around. It’s calming to hear it’s how other people react too but it’s one of those things which I don’t think can easily be undone.

I think it was tactless but also I wouldn't invite my MIL or similar upstairs for a nappy/bath time like I would my mum - we just have a different relationship. I'm sure you can repair it now you know what the issue is.

You did what ? Cannot believe what I was reading.

To add, your DD will be closer to you than your DIL. No you cannot just pop in when the fancy takes you.

Yes to an apology. If you mean it.

What about popping in to her DS?

They were digs and bad ones. You have to have a nasty streak to say and do things like that.

You weren’t funny, you were unkind. Hard to come back from.

This thread is women, making life difficult for women. Making out like dust is worth ruining relationships over, like a comment dig (or mistake) is worth ruining relationships and carrying that bitterness on to the next generation.

oh don't make me laugh, what an apologist you are!

the OP is the woman making life very difficult and uncomfortable for another woman and her DS not us! Criticising the DS = criticising both of them, they are a family unit,

We're just saying that it was a crass insensitive comment after DIL has just had a baby,

Why on earth do you want to do nappy changes and baths?

You obviously haven't established a close rapport with your DIL before they had children so I don't know why you would expect that dynamic to change now. It doesn't come across from your posts whether you actually like her.

It doesn't sound like you are a positive presence in her life so why would she have you constantly drop in?

As an aside, I was a social worker in a former life and always a bit suspicious of an immaculate home where there were children, as the two don't go together.

And if you had said what you did to me when mine were small I would have made a point of making sure the place was a complete tip whenever you came round!

If you wouldn’t go to a friend’s house and make comments about the cleanliness, why on earth do you think it’s okay to do it to DS and DIL? We all know that women get judged more harshly than men, so of course the joke was aimed at her. Not a ‘joke’ at all.

Relationships seldom fall apart because of one single solitary comment. It’s death by a thousand cuts. My MIL has been making snide remarks at me ever since the day we met. Again, each one in isolation might not be that bad, but we do not exist in a vacuum, and it’s another comment added to the several thousand already received. Why should we have to put up with it?
I eventually dropped the rope and left it to DH to facilitate the contact. Unsurprisingly he’s not very good at it because he camt
be bothered with her judgmental BS either.

I honestly cant see how this is a joke at all. DIL is obv upset and with good reason it would seem.I also dont think you will have the same sort of RL with a DIL as your own DD.I would not say anything else but be friendly and co operative in future

Apologise if you understand why she was upset and you are sorry that you upset her. Don’t bother if it’s just some transactional “I’ve said sorry, now I should be able to pop in when I like” thing.

Yeah see the thing is, it wasn't really a joke was it? You sound like the MIL from hell. Who goes round to someone else's house and checks for dust?!