Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

If you’re so socially inept that when you visit someone’s home and bitch about their housekeeping to their face, you still expect to be able to drop in whenever you fancy it, then I imagine this is the tip of the iceberg of your tactless comments/behaviour.

If you want to apologise, you need to fully acknowledge it was a bitchy thing to say and you would hate for anyone to say the same thing to you and you completely understand they felt judged and will continue to feel judged in your presence, even if you never make such a comment again.

And you also need to admit that in view of your earlier comments, any admiration you show about anyone else’s tidy/clean house is going to come across as a dig at them, even if that’s not your intention.

Give them carte Blanche to “jokingly” tell you to fuck off in future if you ever “jokingly” say anything similar again and they may let you back, slowly, in to their lives. Maybe once they’ve told you to fuck off a few times and you realise how badly your words and actions come across, you’ll modify your behaviour and become more pleasant to be around.

If you are the type to make jokey digs, people will keep you at arms length. There's nothing jokey about digs. Why do you keep talking about how clean your DD's house is? Why is that even a topic of conversation? I've got three adult children, we've never had a conversation about cleaning, accept when I've offered help.

Finally some common sense

Well, DON’T!
It’s their house, not yours. Keep your beak out.

How refreshing.
100% agree

Yes, I would. It just give you a chance to say it was a daft thing to say and you are sorry that you upset her. It just shows you are human too and can apologise x

Looks like you missed your best chance to apologise for the poor taste joke when your son told you his wife's reaction, but any apology is better than none. How er I think you should discuss with your son as you don't want to reopen old wounds, and if course an apology doesn't make her feel.unjudhed by you. I personally don't like anyone dropping in without at least a few days notice, precisely because I like a bit of time to tidy up. At least you are invited to their home. Why not take some bath toys around next time you visit, you never know they might let you see your grandchildren playing with them. It probably won't be long before your grandchild might be allowed sleep overs at yours, so don't blot your copy book by putting too much pressure on your daughter in law over the current arrangements.

Oh please apologise! Both my M and MIL did this to me. Didn't matter that I worked full time, had a long commute and did the bulk of household stuff. They were both at mine at the same time and MIL made a 'joke' so M decided to join in and even though I was clearly upset, they continued. And I can truthfully say all these years later its still affected me having people over unannounced.
I don't know if your apology would change anything but I would most definitely have appreciated it if either of them had apologised to me. (Incidentally, I raised it with both of them and they both doubled down).

I agree with a lot of the others, apologise but I too, think the damage has been done. I am not sure you can scrub that out but you can take the opportunity to say that you admire her as a mother and that they are doing a wonderful job their baby.

Good grief, OP, talk about how not to be a MIL! You're lucky they let you see DGC at all. I’m not surprised they didn’t invite you upstairs, but in fact, what reason would you have for going upstairs anyway? Why would your DIL want an “audience” while she’s changing a nappy? And why would you mention that DD’s house is always immaculate, “even with a baby” - how on earth else is DIL to interpret that except as a dig? As for requests to “drop in” - many people don’t like that, and if my MIL had upset me, it would be a hard no. As a MIL, you need to be far more careful with a DIL than with your own DD, because a daughter can say it like it is or tell you to get lost in a way that a polite DIL might find difficult. OP, you definitely have some bridges to build here - perhaps you should speak to your DS about how best to go about it. And stop asking to drop in - if they want to see you, they’ll ask you.

It actually worries me how many posters would be devastated by a comment about dust. People posting who genuinely see this as a relationship defining comment, who believe there is no going back after someone mentions dust.
Is this who we are? Women in 2026 who think a comment about dust means things can never be the same again and you should be kept at a distance and the misery dug into the family relationships.

I‘m fascinated an appalled at the reactions. I understand if comments are ongoing and undermining, if there is malicious intent but this doesn’t seem to be the case. One stupid comment about house work means the relationship is compromised for the rest of your life and you’ll set up barriers with grandchildren?

'I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes'

since when did that become a thing ? is this a Mumsnet thing ? going upstairs to help with a nappy change

I have never heard of such a thing

since when were visitors invited upstairs to help change a nappy

and that is what you are, a visitor - you do not live with them you get invited to visit

and I am not surprised you do not get to ' pop in '

It’s never just one comment though, is it? It’s another comment on top of the thousands already made.

I think there are a lot of lessons there for you. Clearly the comment was not a joke, I’m sure you probably get that after 5 full pages repeating the same message so there is no need to dwell on that, the nappy changing, dropping around on a whim and wanting to get stuck in when clearly that is not the relationship you have probably feels like it crosses lines for you DIL too. However I would say that is just down to differences in relationship expectations rather than anyone being right or wrong.

However clearly you are definitely able to reflect on things and make changes so that is very positive and I definitely think I would attempt to clear the air.

I will say though that the relationship sounds quite distant and perhaps that is how your DIL wants it and unfortunately relationships do end up working best when they go with the lower end of communication required by one of the parties rather than the higher level which probably feels one sided but pushing someone who does reserved relationships into warmer/closer relationships seldom works.

If you want to pop by, why not give your son some prior warning AND ask him to rush around tidying and cleaning. Then you can visit when the house is clean and tidy without giving your DIL a job to do.

Eeek OP, I feel for you but I'd be the same as your DIL, I would be mortified if someone said that about my house. I definitely think an apology is needed but as a pp said don't link it to you visiting more.

I think your son should have said something at the time tbh as a bwould he devastated that a joke could be taken so deeply when it was meant to be at your son's expense not hers. Although I can totally see why she did (I would have done too). Maybe speak to your son and see how you can improve your relationship but I think a really sincere apology would be a good start.

Even if i had the best relationship with my MIL she isn't helping with nappy changes nor bathtime. Different people have different boundaries.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously

But it’s not just your (tactless - who makes ANY criticism visiting someone’s new home?) ‘Little joke’ is it? It’s the ongoing comments about your DD’s immaculate home. Of course she takes that as a judgemental comparison.

You’re not getting it.

Why would you even be commenting on the standard of someone else’s cleaning?

You need to really reflect on this. Have some understanding that a DIL is always likely to feel that they will be compared unfavourably to MIL herself or her own Dd. And feel sensitively about that.

It is good that your Ds has been open and honest about this with you.

I would have a long hard think, maybe arrange to meet DIL if she will agree, apologise and have a conversation with her . And make sure there is no trace of ‘I didn’t mean it so you are in the wrong for (over) reacting as if I did’ . Be serious about how much you admire / respect her, and don’t plead / expect to have more involvement. Your apology needs to be just that. Not a transaction.

I hope you can do this, OP, and I hope your DIL is able to hear you.

Also: well done to your Ds for not dismissing his wife’s feelings, and standing by her.

Common sense to you, but you're not at the centre of this story are you.

Just to say - I’m currently pregnant and not planning on letting anyone else other than my husband and I do nappy changes or bath time. Those things are not spectator sports in my opinion. So I don’t think that’s unusual and it’s quite strange to be bothered by it.

Making a "joke" to your adult child who is old enough to have a child of their own about how they were awful at cleaning their room when they were little is also not very funny. It says you are still thinking of him as that child who had to be told to clean his room better.

I'm also thinking that your own DD probably doesn't want you popping in unannounced and also makes sure her house is immaculate so that you can't criticise, but she's not said anything because she's your daughter, conditioned to your ways and trying not to upset you.

Jokes are supposed to be funny

My MIL loves a spotless home and thinks most of her DIL are shit for making her sons live in their own filth. She occasionally apologizes but gets back to making her snide comments or stripping the finish off my cast iron or throwing away her grand children‘s art. I absolutely know she dislikes me.

But earlier on if she’d wanted to make amends it would have been far more worthwhile for her to compliment the many things I am great at and which do matter think about those things for DIL and focus on them. Work on repair and accepting things as they are, then eventually an apology and asking her not to clean for you.

Honestly no one should ever comment on another adult’s dirt or mess.

@daisychain01 “very difficult and uncomfortable” by mentioning dust?
I’m an apologist for MiLs - listen to your language. You’re using language used to describe abuse and war to talk about a comment about dust. People, have made comments like that to me but I’m grown up enough to know it’s only dust. As I said my MiL made some spectacularly insensitive comments, they became joke between me and DH. We have a choice, anger and bitterness or laughter.

As a young mummy I had grim days. Terrible sickness. My mother and mil never said a word. And neither of them worked. Now I have two dils I never judge they both work full time and never stop.

Yes bloody apologise.