Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I also think that, if her DH i.e. thr OP's son does fuck all cleaning, it indicates a very old school stereotypical setup where she does everything at home/takes on all the mental load, and a relationship with a tricky MIL just adds to her work.

Really, it's your son's job to facilitate a relationship, not hers.

You should focus on why your son doesn't love you or care about you enough to want you around his child more.

Oh dear, what a poorly judged joke. Yes you should apologise but not as a quid pro quo for being able to pop in. Apologise and work on building a better relationship.

Anyway.

Op you're gonna get thoroughly destroyed on this thread.

Mumsnet is famously anti- MIL.

You're just gonna have to accept that you will not be able to have a closer relationship with your DIL and grandchild and apologising isn't gonna make a difference- instead it might just rake up all those feelings in her again.

Here's a JCB for you to dig more of a hole. Jeeez op you are rude! No wonder she doesn't want you in her house.

Indeed. Only DH, I and nursery staff ever changed our DCs’ nappies.
My MIL told me she’d told her friend that ‘She didn’t know where to start with all the lego in DS’s room’ after she cleaned when I had DS2. I think she realised pretty quickly that I was not happy - and you could argue that that wasn’t necessarily critical. It irked me that she was talking about our house and how much cleaning she’d done. I told DH that was the last time she was doing anything in our house.

‘Harmless jokes’ from MIL - how could they possibly be misconstrued? 🙄

I don’t blame your DIL. We have to deal with enough judgment from MILs without someone making digs about the cleanliness of our homes.

I think you owe her a huge apology, if you want things to change.

Never too late to say sorry

But MIL isn't in charge of how the chores are divided in their household.

And if you visited your kids house- are you not allowed to tell them if it needs a tidy?

I'd tell my kid no matter what age they are.

It may or not help with a really heartfelt apology. I think you do have to frame it as an extremely awful thing to say. I know it was a bit tongue in cheek, possibly a dig at your DS rather than your DiL, but don't try and justify it in anyway. Just take whatever is said on the chin, stressing that you are horrified that she spends so much time cleaning before you come to visit.
Also, I would never expect that a nappy change would become a spectator sport, bath time possibly.

It was probably the least funny joke ever tbh. You just don’t comment on anyone else’s house - be it the cleanliness, the decor, the tidiness - unless you have something positive to say. Or unless you have a jokey, relaxed relationship. If my MIL had said something like that to me, then insisted she was ‘only joking’, I wouldn’t believe her. I would think she meant it, even if only subconsciously. But if it was one comment in isolation, while it might make me a bit self conscious about my home, I don’t think it would result in an overarching, ongoing problem. Which makes me wonder if there’s more going on in your relationship with your DIL. Are there other ‘I was only joking’ or ‘I was only saying’ type remarks. My MIL makes hundreds of these remarks. Just little things here and there, but it’s like death (of our relationship) by a thousand cuts.

As someone else said, it won’t hurt to apologise but the hurt may well be embedded at this point. Both due to the passage of time, and the fact you’ve mentioned a few times re your daughter’s house being immaculate despite kids. In your DIL’s shoes I’m afraid I’d still be on guard extra cleaning etc to pre empt a further comment. (My house is fine but not a show home at all times. Certain relatives with show home standards, even though they say they don’t notice/care, I know they do and then comment and so with them I always deep clean regardless).

What kind of relationship did you have with your mother in law?

That's just rudeness. My mother had her faults - as we all do - but she would never be so rude as to say something like that.

Such rage bait OP. Did you achieve your aim? well done.

Absolutely! Re He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.
why do you need to mention this, or think your dil would even be interested? it clearly was a very poorly veiled dig at her! Are you comparing the gc at well? Completely unintentional of course… 🙄

She could have been winning if she’d used her brain and not made such rude and inconsiderate comments.

Your dil is not keeping your grandchild at arms length, you were rude so why would she want to see you on her own? It's up to your son to harbour a relationship with you, not her job.
You know full well how rude you have been, it's pretty obvious that would just be the tip of the ice berg.
It's not jokes, it's put downs. Good on her to say no.

It was a jokey dig at my son as he was always awful at cleaning his room but clearly not the right thing to say in hindsight

Give a really heartfelt apology. I’m guessing the reason they won’t allow you popping in is that she feels the need to deep clean the house before you come over.
Also bear in mind not everyone likes others ‘popping in’ I have an amazing relationship with my mil but I wouldn’t appreciate her or even my own mother just keep popping in

I have an awful mother in law and haven’t spoken to her in about a decade. In her time, she said some incredibly hurtful things to me and created an immense amount of family fall out from her immature and narcissistic behaviour. I had to draw a complete line, and DH is very low contact with her. They barely know our kids - DH took them for a visit a few years back following quite a major health scare for her, but that’s it.

She’s made no attempt to apologise or contact me over the years. Of course, in her eyes - the blame for all this lies with me, even though DH has explained to her that isn’t right at all.

All that said, I think if she were to apologise - even though her behaviour was far more toxic than misguided comments about housekeeping!- I would accept the apology and appreciate it. Obviously it wouldn’t entirely change what I think of her, and it’s not like I’d be rushing to spend time with her - but I could probably smile and wave through an occasional visit if I felt her apology was genuine.

You're getting a hard time on here and because of my own experience I usually lean towards towards supporting the daughter in law on these threads. But in your case, I think you sound thoughtful and considerate tbh. I personally couldn’t get that het up about ‘jokes’ about housekeeping, irritating as it might be!

Just apologise and in the future, don’t mention anything on those lines again, however jokingly. Also quit the ‘I’m passing by, can I drop in?’ thing - she obviously doesn’t love that (I wouldn’t either).

I’m sure it will be ok, OP. Personally I’d have loved an MIL that wanted to help out with childcare, but these are her boundaries and you have to respect them.

Ah…. Of course. Can’t believe missed that

What on earth were you thinking? Of course she doesn't want you popping in if you've already made it clear that you judge people on their cleaning (both by making a pretty mean 'joke' and by praising your daughter's housekeeping... which is enough to make it abundantly clear that you view a spotless home as something to aspire to).

The only thing I can think that might help is by apologising and inviting them around when your house is messy a few times. A breezy 'sorry for the mess but there's more to life than cleaning' might help change her view of you.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

This is quite telling - you're downplaying your 'little' joke and placing the blame on your daughter in law for taking it 'so seriously'.

And you're upset at the impact on you because you think this one comment is why you've been kept at arms length, rather than the pattern of behaviour (constantly commenting on your daughter's housekeeping prowess for example).

And you 'feel awful' that she's spending hours cleaning but not that you obviously really hurt her feelings and have continued to do so with your ongoing comments.

If you're apologising to her for being unkind and rude, then do that properly without minimising your comments or implying she was wrong to be upset.

If you're apologising because you want to remove the barriers to being allowed to pop in spontaneously, then don't bother - it's manipulative and unpleasant to only do the decent thing when you think it might benefit you.

Yes I think youve made it clear that you value a spotless home, which is ashame as its not actually important and obviously caused this situation.

Youve set the status quo and this is most likely how it will be going forward.

If youve spent 4 years prattling on about cleanliness (whether youve realised or not), you can either accpt things or make an effort to change and try and spend 4 years giving compliments to DIL (for the person she is - NOT how well she has deep cleaned her house) and see if you become closer in time.

I’d apologise. It’s very hard being a mil. You hardly dare say anything at all sometimes. If it genuinely was a joke then say you’re mortified and want to clear the air, and if you ever say anything again that upsets her please can she call you out on it.