Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Why would someone having a closer relationship with their daughter than their daughter in law cause anyone any issues?

Send or take some really special flowers and write a genuine heartfelt apology, let her know you mean it.

It doesn’t matter if she was pregnant or not. It was still a dig and it was still mean and no one would ever find it funny

You'd have to ask the OP. She's the one comparing how her DIL interacts with her to how her daughter does.

But she does have a relationship with her daughter-in-law, just not on the terms of her own choosing.

My very odd childless SIL was desperate to change DDs nappy.
Me and husband thought it was quite strange and always declined.
I was furious when I found out that she had taken a bath with her around 6 years. DD said that she had made her feel really self conscious by staring at her.

" She may not ever trust you."

For a comment on house cleanliness?!

Seriously some of these replies must be a joke.

Perhaps DD With The Spotless House has a husband/partner who’s more use around the house than your DS is in his 🤔

I think an apology would be appropriate but if I were your DIL I’d never forget your comments. She may also just not really be a ‘pop in visit’ type person.

My husband’s aunt did something similar when we were newly married, she’s been dead over a decade but I can still remember how awful it was. You did a very mean thing.
She isn’t “inviting you upstairs” to change the baby because that’s not a thing (plus if you started prowling around the house she would be more stressed about cleaning). How do you intend to fix this?

got to be a wind up. inviting me upstairs for a nappy change.

Same here!

It’s weird as fuck to want to change a babies nappy if the parents are already there. Let the parents do it.

Christ, I think that although you see them as quite minor remarks, they have come across as cutting and judgmental. And she’s clearly scarred by them because she now gives the place a clean for your arrival - no wonder you can’t pop over.

i think your best way forwards is to be a good grandmother/MIL. And actions speak louder than words now. An apology would be a cheap and easy fix from your point of view. But you need to actually act better - I woudl be kind and generous and gradually this issue will reduce.

You have mentioned a few times about your daughter’s house being immaculate despite having a new baby? Hmmmm can think of no better way to bond with your DIL. And your house is spotless too right? And you run your fingers through the dust? And your son does no housework?

yeah I would really apologise but I would mean it too and would stop asking to pop in - they don’t want to say yes. You could invite them to yours more often or meet out and about - what can you do that is useful for them? Retreat and rebuild

I think she will never trust her not to come in and judge. If I knew the first thing someone would do when coming inside the house was to judge how clean or tidy it is, I would not invite them in either. Fuck that, life's too short to be told off in my own home. Unfortunately OP set the tone of their relationship then and there.

I thought that was really weird too. Changing a nappy isn't a social occasion to which people are invited.

4 years have passed, I dont think you should apologise, you said that DIL looked annoyed at the time, that was your opportunity to apologise.

I'd focus more on what you do when you are invited over, do you take them a meal, a sweet treat, bring them coffee or offer to help out with non baby related tasks? But stay away from cleaning related tasks 😅

Id never invite anyone to help out with my sons personal care, its just that, personal.

And for the record, I don't think its a case of mums of sons cant win, my sons relationship with his dad's parents is much closer than with mine.

I've never known anyone make a joke about someone's house being dusty, what's funny about that? You were unbelievably rude and offensive. Your poor DIL, how awful that she is still feeling the need to deep clean before you come round. You don't even seem sorry, your post is so dismissive about it.
I think you made an intentional dig, but hoped DIL would be too embarrassed to say anything to anyone.

I think you were rude but im also a bit curious if the reason she's taken it so hard is because you note yourself, she does all the cleaning.
Now, could be that they have a totally equitable household and she just prefers to do the cleaning (however often I find when women prefer to do the cleaning its because their partner does a shit/half arsed job when its their turn or has to be nagged to do it and it doesnt get done as regularly as needed, I actually find it quite rare that a woman's standards are unreasonably high) and therefore she was hurt that you decided to make a negative comment about their new home. Which is fine. And sometimes we agree to split chores and then things evolve and you become less happy with the split for various reasons down the line.

But maybe she's fed up of her doing all the cleaning and her MIL making a comment made her think 'i do it all because your son is fucking shit at it because you did everything for him' or 'i do it all because otherwise your son wouldnt bother' and it was fuel to a fire.
Obviously I could be totally off!! Just wondering if thats at play here as I know a few women where they would feel that way.

“A little joke” ie thorough rudeness.

You only want to go upstairs to be nosey

and you only want to say sorry to increase access to grandchild

not because you are sorry you upset her

well, well done to your da for having the balls to tell you the real reason
as many men don’t

toucant take back words and you reap what you sow
just learn from it and you know your dogging and not joking as what’s funny. About that ?
nothing

so stop the digs and learn

I have an open door policy at my house as my in laws live nearby and mine live in another country, so my DP has to suffer long visits if mine are here. So I never stop his family coming over whenever they like. But I also never clean in advance for them. If they came around and commented about the state of the place to me, I’d remind them that we both live here and their son is a messy shit. Why is it your daughter and daughter in laws responsibility to keep the houses clean? Maybe you parents should have raised your son better and this wouldn’t be an issue?

My mother in law was overly critical at the start and yes, there's no coming back really. My relationship has improved a bit as she's mellowed with age. Coming from someone in your DIL's position I'd say, don't apologise, it will be meaningless.
But: praise her. Tell her she's a good mum, that you don't know how young mums do it, that you remember how hard it was. Tell her the house looks amazing and you're so impressed with how nice she keeps it despite having a tiny baby. Joke about how yours was a tip when yours were tiny (even if this isn't strictly true). Look for reasons to compliment her and do so genuinely.
Your dust comment obviously struck a nerve, being seen as someone who has a clean house is obviously important to her, so acknowledge how clean/tidy it is. (Which it must be, if she cleans for your visits.)
For me, I'd spent years being criticised by my own parents so when MIL joined in it hurt! Perhaps she has similar issues.
You can repair this but you need to really want a relationship with her, not just better access to your grandchild.
If you genuinely love her she needs to feel that.

Indeed. It's telling, isn't it, that the OP clearly lays ALL responsibility for house cleaning on the WOMEN...

You don’t know that. If you were proudly showing someone round your new home and they insinuated that it was dirty, you’d reasonably be upset and understand that they were judging you. Being judged by your MIL is awful. The poor girl now feels compelled to clean the house from top to bottom every time OP visits. It’s little wonder that her DIL only wants her to visit now and then. OP’s visits must be very stressful for her.

Nobody would make a comment about the state of someone’s house unless a) it was so squalid that it was a danger to their health, or b) they’re just generally nasty, judgmental people. It’s not a joke, there’s nothing funny about it.

Why on earth would you want to be 'invited' to a nappy-changing....unless you have fallen through a time warp from 18th century Versailles?