to think some women should not be punishing their DM/MILs regarding childcare?

[cupofcup]

I keep seeing posts where women say if their DM/MIL won’t do childcare for them now, then they won’t be there for her when she’s older.

Not even said in anger, more like a matter-of-fact stance. You didn’t help me, so I won’t help you.

Doing regular childcare when you’re older and maybe tired, working, or not in great health isn’t always doable. It’s not always a case of just not wanting to.

Relationships aren’t contracts. You don’t bank hours of babysitting and cash them in later for elderly care.

I can understand feeling less close to a parent who isn’t around or doesn’t make an effort. That’s just human. But deciding years in advance that you won’t look after them as a punishment feels harsh.

As usual, DF/FILs are not threatened in this way.

I am not saying all women do this or that there are not happy childcare arrangements.

Who/whatever's behind these threads has a bee in their bonnet about this being a problem only for grandmothers not grandfathers. They're not really interested in the wider issue. Just the grandmother's not grandfathers.
That's what they want to talk about.
Again and again and again.
Multiple identical threads isn't enough to satisfy their fix.

When the 'OP' is a grandmother 'in the situation' 'she's' not interested in suggestions.......just churning out the message over and over.

The answer is this. Set boundaries and if the issue isn't about you personally stop thinking/reading about it because it's not serving you well.

Sometimes I think it's a journalist, sometimes a bot. Whatever it is it's bloody weird and repetitive.

You are probably right but there are so many threads about this right now and the discussion will go exactly the same way

Oh ffs, not more of this!

Anyway, I think nobody sets out to provide care for grandchildren in order for them to receive care from their children in later life. However, it is often, naturally the case that those grandparents who have a close enough relationship with their children to want to care for grandchildren when they can, are more likely to receive care from their children because they have that bond.

I think it's fairly safe to say that once you've reached the point where someone is saying "well, I hope they aren't expecting us to spend much time with them when they're older" about their own parents, the "solid relationship" boat, has somewhat sailed.

In old age, I bet this same OP will expect her dd/dil to be the one running around after her.

I bet you will.

No one’s arguing that elderly care should fall to women either. Care just defaults to women and no one really questions it.

It is saying to older women help with the kids now or don’t expect help later.

I agree sons and sons in law should absolutely be part of elderly care. But in reality they often aren’t, or they’re involved in a much lighter way and everyone sort of accepts that. They don't get criticised.

It’s not saying elderly parents should expect daughters to care for them. It’s saying expectations are uneven. Women get leaned on for childcare when they’re younger, then leaned on again for elder care later, and if they say no at any stage they are criticised and judged.

This level of rumination isn't healthy. Set boundaries and get on with your life, and don't expect more from people that you are willing to give. That goes for both parents and grandparents.

My personal situation means I absolutely won’t.

How can you be so sure of my personal situation?

Because of this thread and your previous threads.

Which previous threads?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5514190-to-think-grandmothers-are-expected-to-shoulder-too-much-childcare

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5386261-to-think-its-unfair-how-grandmothers-and-mils-are-expected-to-do-loads-of-childcare-but-grandfathers-and-fils-never-are?postsby=Youthank1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5515836-to-think-some-women-feel-entitled-to-free-childcare-from-their-dmmils-just-because-they-had-help-themselves

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5521318-to-think-the-expectations-of-grandfathers-vs-grandmothers-are-miles-apart

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5480153-to-think-expectations-of-grandfathers-vs-grandmothers-are-wildly-uneven-even-among-women

Thank you detective.

You forgot:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5521954-aibu-to-say-grandparents-doing-childcare-may-be-too-exhausted-to-offer-good-quality-care

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5516672-aibu-to-think-paying-grandparents-for-after-school-childcare-feels-unusual

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5504000-aibu-to-think-paternal-grandparents-are-treated-as-the-spare-option

No they are not my posts 😂

I will care for my parents as they have been wonderful parents. I had a great childhood, they have continued to love and care for me through adulthood going above and beyond for me and my children so I will go above and beyond for them.

If they had been not so wonderful parents who didn't love and care for me, who made no effort to support me at all and didn't care for my children, would I be willing to break my back caring for them as well as working full time and childcare? Probably not.

If they were unable to help as much with childcare due to ill health, caring or working but were wonderful loving parents who supported where they could? Then of course I'd still care for them.

You can't opt out of family life when it suits you and still expect your children to diligently care for you.

They really are. 😂

The same old subject.
The same old phrases.
The exact same stance.
The same old never, ever responding to suggestions about boundaries.

They really are not Detective 😂but you carry on 😂

You don't have to be a detective to spot obvious patterns.

But just for a moment, let's assume it's not you every time (just some of the times eh 😂)
Why start another, exactly the same when between us we have proved there are already about 8 easily searchable identical threads? Bit odd? Bit obsessed? Someone pissed on yer chips?

Very well said. I don’t view it in crude transactional terms, but it certainly does affect relationships if your parents prioritise seeing their friends and basically never help out at all when your children are young. They surely can’t expect to be looked after in their 80s/90s by people in their 50s/60s who are probably still working. No one in my and DH’s immediate family did more than take their elderly parent shopping once a week and have them for Sunday lunch and actually our DF’s did nothing like that much with their parents.

I view my primary responsibility at this stage as helping DSM with my DF. Hopefully I will have some DGC in the future and I’m happy to do one day a week to help. PIL are at the moment quite well - but when they are not the responsibility will be mainly DH’s. And we will not accept any pressure to do care because they don’t want strangers in. Our DSs were cared for very well by ‘strangers’ at nursery.

Get a job with MNHQ detective

People can start a thread on whatever topic they want. That is how this forum works, no?

There are more than 8 threads detective, I can't be bothered looking them up 😂

Mostly though, people don't keep starting the same old thread multiple times unless they're very boring.

Agree. But also agree with OP that we shouldn't only be talking about the women. Though the reality of it is that mums were (and still are) likely to do more childcare/housework and less paid work, so yes, though things are definitely changing, you are still more likely to find a grandmother not working FT, so having more time to do childcare, than a grandfather.
I still help family who haven't helped me, but it's easier to happily run out in the middle of the night to take a relative to hospital if you know they dropped everything to babysit when you went into labour, than for relatives that did nothing, despite being in perfect health.

But it isn’t a discussion. The OP puts a statement out, people reply and then they just agree with the handful saying “ I agree waaaahhh it’s unfair”, rather than engaging with people who say well you don’t have to do childcare, or do whatever you feel comfortable with.

It’s boring because people engage saying it isn’t punishment, it’s about how relationships naturally develop and grow and it is just ignored.

Its an OP who is obviously unhappy with her own family, but not brave enough to say it, using an anonymous forum to berate other young families because she won’t do it in real life

Its an OP who is obviously unhappy with her own family, but not brave enough to say it, using an anonymous forum to berate other young families because she won’t do it in real life - 😂

Not content with repeating herself OP is repeating other people now.