AIBU to say grandparents doing childcare may be too exhausted to offer good quality care?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Yet another iteration of this.

I'm in my 60s. I do all my GC's childcare. My choice. I do school drop off, pick up, after school care. I do weekends when shift work requires it. I also do a couple sleep overs a week.

I do it willingly. I love my GC and want to do it for this limited time when they're young. Yes, my DC (parent) is entitled but I'd do it regardless so think not doing it would be counterproductive for me. GC will not be young for long, and I want to make the most of it.

BUT this is what adult children don't seem to understand (not just mine, all the AC on mumsnet wingeing about their parents not doing childcare). People my age still have to work. Our pensions don't kick in until we're 67. So I still work full-time. And to add childcare on top of this is EXHAUSTING. Yes, I know parents are tired too. But the parents are 20-30 years younger than grandparents.

The result of the old people (me!) working AND doing childcare is that ultimately, we are not at our best with our grandchildren. Mine are not getting an enriching experience with me because I'm so tired that I'm there in body only. Yes, I take them places so they can play, but I'm never down on the ground / out in the park participating with them the way I'd like to be. I literally have no energy.

So please bear this in mind, when you want that free childcare. You may not be getting that lovely, nurturing experience for your children. You may get a wrung out dishrag, who can keep them alive, but not keep them happy.

You are being unreasonable doing that much childcare.
Carry on like that and you might not get to your pension.

Sounds like you need to be doing less. I get that they’re young but if you’re doing school drop off and pick up and after school every day and a couple of sleep overs a week and some weekends, when are your GC’s parents actually seeing them?! 😳

You are doing absolutely loads… my mum
has been doing a solid day a week for about 12 years. When I had my last I made it clear there was no expectation but she loves it. I wouldn’t ask her to do over nights or extra tho as she needs to have a life of her own. She has been retired 11 years and is 70

How are you doing full-time plus all the childcare when there are two of them presumably? You need to be telling them what you’ve posted here! I’ve never been a fan of the term “quality time” but it’s never been more apt. Sit down with them and draw up a new plan. All the best.

100% if I do childcare with my grandchild I will make it very clear that that is the down day and it’ll be the one day a week that they spend watching telly on their iPad chilling with granny recuperating
It will not be the day that we suddenly decided to teach them to read or mountain bike

Yet another iteration of this

Why? There have been endless threads recently - there can't be much left to say?

This.

Your child and partner appear happy to work you into the ground. Do they do anything

How on earth are you working full time, doing school drop offs and pick ups, plus having their dcs at the weekend?
Surely if you have them whilst they work on a weekend, then they get days off during the week, so they can do school runs.

I don't know why you are doing it when you work full time.

How come you do it all and work full time? Why can't the parents manage it?

OP, as was suggested on another thread to a different nan doing all the childcare, take a couple of weeks off, go on holiday, and review the situation.

This is a ridiculous situation. You won't survive to collect your pension, let alone see your grandkids become young adults. Why aren't they parenting their own kids and why aren't they paying you to parent them instead? If they stuck their hands in their pockets then maybe you wouldn't need to work full time. I doubt they'll be weeping for you when you collapse.

But if your working full time and the parents work full time sounds like your having your grandchildren much more than the parents? At that point you may as well call yourself their mother.

And claim the Child Benefit

You’re doing a lot. Back in the day grandparents were younger as people had dc younger and retired younger whereas of these are luxury positions now due to finances etc.

When do their parents parent?

You're not unreasonable in that it's too much if you're working FT.

But also I voted YABU because don't say " I do it because I want to do it", but then also complain about it and say that your offspring is entitled. Are you doing it despite knowing someone else would offer better care...? Is that in your GC best interests?

No, because the weekends are additional to regular weekday. Fortunately, it isn't many weekends. Just a few a year.

And because I WFT I can fit it around my childcare hours. It's still FT.

I think it's a bit of both really. I do want to do it, I'd just like to be less tired (if I was retired for example, I'd have a lot more energy).

But also, given the hours involved, it would be hard to find childcare for some of it. Wrap around isn't great at GC's school and isn't extended enough to cover it and childminders are hard to find in the area.

I think that it's a best of a bad job situation.

So you martyr yourself because your kid feels entitled to your childcare work on top of your career working.

You've chosen to do it. Yes, things happen with exhausted and aged out caregivers doing childcare they really shouldn't be. It's on them to say no to their entitled children who want to save money that would otherwise be spent on expensive childcare.

Sometimes childcare is unaffordable or unavailable. But pushing seniors who are past it for whatever reason is not putting their kids' best interests first. But the seniors have to say no and set boundaries and the kids have to accept that.

Maybe you’d be better off doing less childcare so you are less tired and can then give them more of yourself when you are there. Quality over quantity and all that.

You're doing a lot and don't need to do it 'better'. If they are at school they are obviously able to play alone and being there making sure they have what they need and aren't unsafe is enough.
For what it's worth, I don't remember my grandparents playing much with us and yet I remember time spent with them as some of the happiest. My mum must have thought the same, because looking after my children often meant a quick walk somewhere and putting the TV on or getting some colouring out while she did the crossword. They always seemed happy enough and the time between school pick up and dinner is quite short and for relaxing, in my opinion!

How to say ‘I’m a martyr’ without saying it!

I’ve seen it written often here, that people who have grandparents that don’t want to do regular childcare will be very different and offer it when they are grandparents. I did the same myself. What I think people don’t recognise, is that saying you’ll be happy to do childcare for any future grandchildren, doesn’t take into account that when you’re twenty or thirty years older, the energy just isn’t there.

From the perspective of being in your twenties, thirties or even forties, it sounds eminently reasonable. It’s very different in your sixties and seventies. I did do childcare and babysitting. I certainly couldn’t now, so it’s as well they are independent.

You are doing a lot, probably too much when you also work full time. It might be necessary to make some changes, for your health and wellbeing.

Am sure your grandchildren know you do a lot for them.

Hope your DC and their partner are good to you.

More fool you.