to think the expectations of grandfathers vs grandmothers are miles apart?

[Blaainey]

There are so many threads about women complaining their DM/MIL is not gra not doing childcare, not helping enough, not being “hands on” enough. Cue outrage. Cue dissecting her personality, her priorities, her supposed selfishness.
But where are the grandfathers in all this?

They seem to exist in the background and no one expects anything. If a grandfather takes a child to the park once a month he’s basically up for sainthood. Meanwhile a grandmother can be doing regular childcare and still get criticised for not doing more or not doing it in the “right” way. She is criticised for not helping especially if she dared have help herself.

Even in real life I see it. Grandmothers are assumed to be available, involved, emotionally invested, practically useful. Grandfathers are optional extras. Nice if they engage, but no big deal if they don’t.

It is not just about practical help, it’s the emotional expectation too. Grandmothers are meant to remember birthdays, organise things, build relationships. Grandfathers can just turn up.

I never see a thread where someone is complaining the grandfather refuses to help with childcare.

I know it’s not all grandfathers and there are amazing, involved ones out there – I KNOW. But as a general pattern, the bar just seems so much lower for them.
AIBU to think it’s a bit unfair that one grandparent is scrutinised

But women seem suspicious if a male want to care for children i beleive there is current thread about a grandfather and suspiciouns

But maybe people should have less expectations on grandparents anyway they have their own lives too life should exist outside children

A few weeks back dh and I were talking about grandkids, dd mentioned she didn’t want any, and I whole heartedly agreed with her, dh then pipped up and said she’d likely change her mind and we (eg ME) would do the child care we both gave him a hard look, dd told him where he could stick it where the sun don’t shine (that’s my girl!) and I told him hell would freeze over before I did any child care again, I’ve only just got back into full time work now dc are in secondary, and want to enjoy work and then retirement, which does not include childcare, however I told him, he was welcome to offer anytime, but I’ll be off doing all the things I couldn’t do over the last 16 years! He looked shocked and told me I’d change my mind, I told him he was an arrogant prat, and should know by now I don’t change my mind (we’ve been married for 20 years).

Your point is valid, but it’s also one that has rightly been brought up on here many times.

My parents are very traditional and my Dad was away for long periods of time when I was a child.

They have always had my daughter overnight fairly frequently as I do shift work. My mother utterly smashed her dominant shoulder the week before I went back to work and so my father rapidly upped his game and learnt how to prepare bottles, change nappies and bathe babies. Initially done under my mothers supervision, but my daughter still goes to Grandpa if she wakes up in the night.

Your DH likes the idea of grandchildren with the women doing all the work.

It shows the grandfathers can step up but women prefer grandmas to look after their DC.

Oh dear lord will these threads never end 🤦🏼‍♀️

In general, men stepping up and taking on a large share of childcare has only really happened in the last 20-30 years. I grew up in the 80s/90s and even then, attitudes were that women were the main caregivers (mothers were also less likely to work full time than they are now). So these grandfathers wouldn’t have really done a lot of solo childcare for their own kids, so why would they for their grandkids?

It is these threads that people object to, not the endless dogs in cafes, parking and inheritance issues 🙄

So women should keep doing the childcare into their retirement while men and relax and enjoy theirs?

Child care is still seen as a woman's job.

The age/generation doesnt matter.

I know a lad in secondary school who cares for his siblings a lot. Everyone comments how wonderful it is. No one would say it's wonderful if a girl looked after her sisters.

My parents had pretty traditional roles when I was growing up as my dad worked full time so a lot of childcare fell to my mum during the week. My dad did the bulk of the childcare at the weekends though. Now they’re both retired any babysitting is shared. My dad does things like taking them to the park, playing sports with them, my mum does more crafty things and reading. It’s the opposite way round with my in-laws, but still shared evenly.

It's just the same attitude towards fathers v mothers but one generation up. That's all.
Dad goes to park = LIVING GOD
Mum does anything other than be The Virgin Mary = SATAN.

No, of course this attitude isn’t right but we can’t be surprised now that men in their 60s and above don’t generally do a lot of solo childcare! If grandmothers want to ‘relax in their retirement’ they need to tell their adult DC that they can’t look after their kids all the time. There should be no expectations on them either.

Well of course it's a problem ideologically. However, practically, it's a very long road to change. Expectations are mediated by current reality.

That's a race to the bottom. Kids benefit significantly from having actively engaged grandparents.

My husband thinks he shares the childcare when we have our young grandchildren to stay. His contribution is usually snacks on demand and resorting to TV or iPad. I’m the one playing games, baking with them, organising crafts, reading with them, getting them to bed, to eat fruit and vegetables and clean their teeth.

The children are already savvy enough to know that grandma is hands on and grandad just sits in his chair and lets life happen around him .

How have you made it to 20 years? Presumably his attitude isn't a new thing?

It's pretty tedious now, isn't it?

Not as tedious as to keep commenting on a post you are not interested instead of moving on 🙄

When people say there are lots of grandfathers who do childcare too, this is the difference. The grandmothers will do more of the care like prepping food, feeding, helping with toilet training and cleaning up. Grandfathers will do more playing and pick ups.

And this is what older generations were taught to do. Changing these patterns for younger generations took a great deal of hard work. Changing these for older generations is probably more emotional and mental labour than most parents of young kids really want to take on.

I do 3 full days of childcare for my 2 year old grand daughter. From 7 till 1 its just me and her. Then at 1 grandad gets home, then her mam is home by half 3. On the days I dont have her, she'll be out with mam all day and when she walks in the door (they live with us) the little madam blanks me and runs straight to grandad.

My DS’s grandfathers were both dead before he was born so that sorted the problem for us. I don’t know how the rest of you cope with such a huge issue.

Women being default carers, not just for children, but elderly/disabled family etc is a huge issue. I'd have hoped it would die out by now. I'm my DD's childcare, I do this willingly and enjoy it. But a lot of my friends are helping out with grandchildren, while their husbands decide not to. I know if it was the granddad doing the care and the grandmother refused to get involved, there'd be a lot of negative gossip about her.
I came from a family were there's a 60(woman)/40 split, but the women worked less. Now I see women doing 60+, while working full time and using savings for maternity leave. Yet the government wonders why we have a birth rate problem.

At my GCs school there is a good mix, across pick-ups, inspire events etc. A lot of Dads put a lot of time into running sport activities etc. But it isn't reflective of every area. I don't think that it's doing us any favours to have immigrantion from countries were women are the housekeepers etc.