AIBU to think paying grandparents for after-school childcare feels unusual

[Wendyhose]

I don’t mean as in the 5 day a week childcare but the 2-3 days afterschool care arrangements. If they are skint then I can understand that it’s a way of them getting money and you getting childcare but if they are ok financially, I do think it’s quite an odd arrangement that kind of alters the relationship.

For the record I’ve paid a grandparent, crèche and childminder over the years

yeah I think that’s weird unless maybe they dropped work to help and therefore lost income but otherwise I wouldn’t think they should be paid (none of the grandparents we get help for (1 school pick up a week) want paying)

I think it just shows appreciation.

@Bourneyesterday would gifts/ vouchers, even ad hoc financial gifts not be showing appreciation. Paying a set amount every month is a salary

I once heard a group of gps joking about how great it is to be needed. They were being sarcastic and went on to say they wouldn’t turn down a bit of money even though technically they were just spending time with their gcs (again said in a mocking tone). One said ‘we don’t need money anyway, pensions give us all we need’ and they all started laughing. I didn’t know where to look.

I don't think it's unrealistic to pay for additional food costs. Difficult to get my head round it because the only childcare we got, we had to pay for and it isn't a commitment I'd make 2/3 times a week, every week.

Well perhaps if parents need the service they are providing they should pay them a salary.

Its always send to me that on mumsnet that parents wanting family support, visits, company, perhaps to live near by are being too demanding.
It works both ways.

I’ve never come across it before and find it extremely odd.

I wouldn’t dream of charging my Dd or DS under those or any circumstances.

Ad hoc childcare when it suits them? Fair enough.

But I know several people (mostly women) who have changed to less senior jobs where they can work part-time or weekends so they can look after grandchildren, do school pick ups and drop offs erc. They also go on holiday during school holidays so they're around in term time. I don't know whether their DC pay them for childcare, but it wouldn't seem unreasonable in those circumstances. I know one woman whose child pays all the costs for her car and her weekly grocery shop (she has their children 5 days a week after school and feeds them their evening meals, plus after school snacks).

I think it’s fine to pay grandparents, especially if the grandparents gave up work or reduced their hours to help out. What are the grandparents meant to live on? Pension age is 67 soon.

We give my mum cash to cover expenses, eg petrol, food etc in the form on a standing amount each month. It’s not like paying her by the hour or whatever, more just making sure she’s not out of pocket for helping us. If we didn’t I’d not feel comfortable with it. We don’t pay the other grandparents but they help on a more ad-hoc basis and are quite a bit better off so… I don’t know, I think I’m on the fence a bit!

Wouldn't be expecting to get an invoice each month but I think helping out people who are helping you isn't a bad thing

I think 3 times a week 39 weeks a year is a huge commitment and is they only want to commit to that for money that's fair enough

I think it's a great idea. A friend of mine did it years ago and, by creating a proper professional arrangement, it made it easier to agree on the "rules" for looking after the child. It also meant she wasn't taking advantage of the grandparents, which might lead to resentment.
If grandparents don't need the money, they have the choice to invest it to pay for future treats/activities/education for the child.
(Obviously tax implications would need to be discussed and agreed).

Depends, especially as it’s regular. Covering expenses is fair, if the GP needs it. I’d compare what they’re asking for against professional carer rates. If a GP wants pay that is equivalent to a professional child minder or after school club, but they won’t pay for their own child first aid course, and don’t know anything about early childhood education, and if they’re hands off and just turn on the telly or send the kids outside, then they’re being absolute CFs and it’s not worth it.

The more threads I read like this the more I think GP generations really can be a generation of takers (NAGPs of course). GPs who can help but don’t (no work or health blockers), go against millennia of extended family care, and are unusual across cultures. It’s also hypocritical as there’s a trend of them having had help from their parents. There will be an inter generational backlash eventually.

I think if grandparents are providing regular childcare to a schedule then the relationship has already been altered: they aren’t just being loving grandparents spending time with their grandchildren, they’re essentially providing a service and taking on a commitment that isn’t necessarily always convenient or easy for them and which they’d probably also find awkward to renegotiate knowing their adult child is relying on them. Some sort of financial contribution in recognition of that doesn’t seem unreasonable. I don’t see much difference between recognising their contribution with money than with gifts and vouchers - money is being exchanged either way, the former offers greater flexibility.

An actual payment would feel odd to me, but I don't think the gp should lose out financially either. DM has my sisters kids 1 day a week, all day when they were younger, now after school and holidays. DM is on a tight income while DSis isn't, but has never offered money for the food, fule or entrance tickets if they go out. When they were toddlers I gave DM most of my kids outgrown baby stuff (car seats, pushchair etc) as non of these were offered by DSis and DM couldn't afford to buy her own, so was stuck in all day.

I don't get any grandparent childcare, but if I did I think I'd offer to set up a set monthly amount to cover all that kind of costs, so they didn't have to ask for money as things come up (DM just wouldn't). I'd suggest an amount that's higher then they would really need, it wouldn't be payment as such but definitely enough to cover their own treats too, like coffee and cake while they hang around softplay.

I think to pay them for their grand-parenting is always going to mar the family relationships. If you don’t love the grandchild enough for this to be a reason on its own to spend time with them, then I don’t want you around.
Especially, as many grandparents can be critical of how the parents are bringing up their children and are not interested in keeping up the same rules/expectations - something you’d expect from a paid help.

You read on MN quite often about grandparents not adhering to the parental rules, or being critical. I have always told my son and DiL what excellent parents they are and would never have criticised their parenting, even if their routines etc were different to what I thought. It’s their business to bring their children up as they wish.

Onthe other hand, aren’t grandparents supposed to ‘spoil’ children with treats? If I bought sweets, I always gave them to the parents to dole out when they saw fit. There were rules about screen time which I followed completely, despite complaints from the children. I didn’t ask for, or expected payment and the question never arose, although I did have to be careful about spending.

I think it's a good idea - they can end up spending a lot on fuel and food. Not all grandparents are rolling in it - especially the women. After 10 years of watching grandparents collect at the Primary School gate, I can tell you many are doing a lot of "work" managing scores of little ones - picking up from nursery and then school even taking them them to after-school activities like swimming - you'd pay a babysitter or Au Pair. I think it's fair enough to acknowledge the work they are doing. It's not just having a nice time playing with kids. It's hard work managing post-school grumpy kids. My Mum lived 100s of miles away until very recently and she was working so I never had the chance but I've seen Grandparents massively taken advantage of on the basis it is "nice for them to spend time with their Grandchildren" doing before and after school runs for years and years.

It's unusual, but if it works for everyone involved then that's great.

I really wouldn't trouble yourself with other people's childcare arrangements! It doesn't matter does it?

I think it depends on the circumstances.

DH paid MIL to mind DSS after nursery and school 3 days a week, but she gave up her PT job to do it and DH preferred the thought of him with a family member rather than not while he was adjusting to losing his Mummy and DH going back to work (he had 8 months off after his wife died). It was entirely fair and reasonable to pay her.

A friends MIL asked to pick up the GC two days a week, even though it wasn’t actually needed. Then four weeks in dropped a message saying that she felt £50 a week would about cover it. Friend’s husband is a very wet lettuce and paid. Not reasonable at all.

I paid my mum monthly , always same amount regardless of how much childcare provided , and I’m sure every penny went on treats for the kids she maybe couldn’t have afforded , but that gave her great pleasure

Regularly weekly during term time, I'd pay my parents for childcare (or offer as my dad wouldn't accept it). One offs like some help in the school holidays I don't (my dad also doesn't accept money for attractions they take the kids too) but I show appreciation in the form of gifts etc.

If being a SAHP is work and entitles them to 50% of everything the other parent earns, then another, older, usually female, relative providing care is work and entitles them to a fair payment for their time and effort.

Exactly.

Obviously Grandparents often wouldn't take the money if they could afford not to.

But fundamentally it is people who are expecting Grandparents to work for them for free who ard the extremely CFs, not the GP who aren't willing to be regular, unpaid childcare.

I do wish more folks using GPs for a lot of childcare, and GPs themselves, were aware of the possibility of transferring the NI credit to the grandparent.

Especially any GP who gives up work to do childcare (as seems relatively common).