to think some women should not be punishing their DM/MILs regarding childcare?

[cupofcup]

I keep seeing posts where women say if their DM/MIL won’t do childcare for them now, then they won’t be there for her when she’s older.

Not even said in anger, more like a matter-of-fact stance. You didn’t help me, so I won’t help you.

Doing regular childcare when you’re older and maybe tired, working, or not in great health isn’t always doable. It’s not always a case of just not wanting to.

Relationships aren’t contracts. You don’t bank hours of babysitting and cash them in later for elderly care.

I can understand feeling less close to a parent who isn’t around or doesn’t make an effort. That’s just human. But deciding years in advance that you won’t look after them as a punishment feels harsh.

As usual, DF/FILs are not threatened in this way.

I am not saying all women do this or that there are not happy childcare arrangements.

When you have to resort to emojis rather than words we know that what that poster said is close to the truth.

Why don’t you feel brave enough to talk to your own family in real life?

Digging up threads and attributing them to someone else is boring.

We have psychologists and detectives on here 😂

Same old thread again.

can @MNHQset up a grans area for these to all go to and all the grandparents can moan there.

as others have said there’s no real discussion.

I’ve not seen a thread where a daughter will say they won’t give childcare to an older person due to the older person not helping out with the kids.

I’ve seen plenty of goady people saying that they’ve heard this though. Where are you hearing it???

The majority of posters on here are female I believe so that’s why you’ll get more posts from females.

whats your situation OP - I’m guessing you won’t be helping out?

can we stop bashing women who want some help. If you want to moan go and have a talk with your sons!!

People are trying to engage you in a conversation OP but you’re so defensive (like all these threads!).

whats going on in your family that made you want to post this? Is your daughter trying to force kids on you?

Is this a thing? Certainly isn’t in my experience and social circle.

My mum didn’t do any childcare for us. My dad is long dead so he didn’t either. We’re NC now for reasons totally unrelated to childcare and I won’t be providing her any care when she needs it. She sold her house to rent in her mid 70s and currently lives a very lush life. I do hope she’s put money aside for her care.

MIL also never provided any childcare. We will, of course, look after her the best we can if she needs it. She cared for her dad at home until he died in his mid 90s. We don’t want her to ever go into a care home if we can help it. Thankfully, she has lived sensibly and has a mortgage free house that is solely hers, and Dh and I could fund some carers. FIL also long dead. MIL does have a partner who we are all hoping dies soon as he is a miserable old git and none of us are caring for him, 😂

This is refreshing. People keep saying no one can expect any care unless they do some childcare first.

Okay. But genuine question, why can’t you talk to your family about how you feel rather than creating multiple threads?

We’re actually a supportive bunch on here if you properly engage.

Do you not think you are making assumptions here?

No, I don’t think I am. You clearly have a situation in real life, talking about it rather than repeating these threads numerous times might actually help you.

We have to though really don’t we as you’re not giving us anything to go on other than the repetitive “I heard…..”

don’t you realise it’s mostly women here….so it’s very unlikely you’ll get men talking about men.

if you tell us what’s going on for you and why this has touched a nerve we might be able to support and offer some advice.

are you worried you’ll be asked to help? Is looking after your GC a chore for you? Are you concerned you’ll won’t get help with care?

all these threads do is dredge up the same convos but I think now we can see that and can call that out.

You are completely wrong.

You're not unreasonable but there have been a lot of similar posts recently.
It just descends into a " But greedy Boomers had it all easy and now everything bad is their fault so they better not expect anything unless..." bollocksfest.
Transactional relationships appear to be the new norm sorry to say.

Transactional relationships seem like people are keeping scores.

What makes it “transactional” rather than “behaving in the way that has been modelled to you”?

If someone says to their kids “no I don’t fancy helping thanks” then when the same is said back to them that is not necessarily transactional or keeping score - it’s learned behaviour. They have been taught that putting oneself first is fine and not doing things you don’t fancy is fine.

Why do you keep posting the same threads then? You’ve been doing it for many months.

I don't think it is quite that clear.

There’s a difference between someone genuinely having a mindset of I’ll just do what works for me and someone bringing it up in the context of well don’t expect anything from me later then. That second bit is where it becomes transactional, because it’s putting two things together.

If it was modelled behaviour, it would be consistent across the board. As in, I didn’t help when I didn’t want to, so I don’t expect help either.

But a lot of posts do have that underlying tone of you didn’t do X so you don’t get Y, even if it’s not said outright. Often it is said outright!

I’m a poster who said they wouldn’t help MIL in old age because she doesn’t help us at all and I’m happy to expand on it.

My Dad-does loads for both grandchildren (DN and DS), DN is disabled and my Dad does more with him because you need to be strong physically and my Mum struggles with that. DS is KS2 so looking after him isn’t physically taxing. But it’s not just childcare,
they are supportive, check in and are thoughtful- think good luck on your first day messages to DH.

FIL is dead and has been for 22 years so hard to blame him for not being involved. MIL is retired, healthy and moans about being bored but says she finds spending time with DS
boring. When I’ve been in hospital she makes it about her (she has a blister on her foot) and there are no offers of help but she also expects us to drive over to deal with her burglar alarm, water plants etc (45 min drive). Golden child SIL gets loads of childcare but MIL never asks her for anything help wise.

I do think you reap what you sow-
MIL forgets our birthdays, is open about preferring SILs kids and has never even offered a word of support. I am not sure many people would be rushing to help her in our situation but DH and I are comfortable with our feelings on this. If she was a man I would feel the same.

Do they really though? Who says this? I've never heard it, in RL or on here.

I won't be offering 'childcare' for any GC. Nope, never. I've done my years of childrearing thanks. Babysitting, sure. Of course. Childcare - having small children several days every week, regularly, no.

I would never ever want my children to provide care for me though. So if I was in the odd and unlikely situation of an adult child and their oh threatening me with no elderly care if I didn't offer childcare then it would make no odds to me.

I think that is the best approach.

I disagree. It's supposed to be a village. We take it in turns to help those who need it most. Grandparents are rarely elderly when their grandchildren are young. No one's expecting a 80 year old on a mobility scooter to do the school run. I have a 5 and 1 year old. Grandparents are all currently between 55 and 65. They could help. They are active, half are in early retirement and spend their days doing physical stuff that they enjoy doing. They could spend a day with their grandchildren. They don't want to. It's not that they can't. There's better things they'd rather do. Then they complain they hardly see the kids because we're too busy to deliver them and enable the entire visit.

When they're elderly and needing care, I'll be the age they are now. I refuse to be expected to then provide care for them until I'm elderly and needing care. I'll be enjoying my life, like they are now. And I'll be providing support to my grandchildren because I want my children to have better than me.

Even if you provide support to your grandchildren, it doesn't mean you will get elderly care in return. People move away, things change.

I also find it weird OP.

I'm a single mum, no partner to help out, just me 24/7 for the last 15 years, but I was there for my mum & am there for ds' pseudo-gran, our ex-neighbour who is alone and in her 80s.

If oldies need help it is because they physically can't manage. No-one chooses to get old but people do choose to have a baby.

OP I agree but it’s in MN world that this is even a ‘thing’ . IRL families generally help ,as and when they can and the hours are not registered. Ie Have helped with grandchildren fairly regularly ,children help me with tech type stuff but this would be the case whatever each person can offer.

Well why do you keep saying the same things then, if you're not personally affected? It's very odd.