to think grandmothers are expected to shoulder too much childcare?

[catchingup1]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/24/grandparent-revolt-burned-out-childcare-birthrates

I’ve just read this article and what stood out to me wasn’t selfishness, it was how much of this seems to fall on grandmothers in particular. It feels like there is still this quiet expectation that women will just step back into a caring role, no matter their age or stage of life.

They have already spent years raising their own children, often doing the bulk of the emotional and practical labour. Then just as they reach a point where they might finally have some time for themselves, it starts again. Not always because they actively choose it, but because it is assumed they will.

I completely understand that parents are under pressure and childcare is expensive. That is real. But it does not sit right that the solution often becomes leaning on grandmothers as if their time is simply available.

There is also something about the guilt attached to it. Saying no can be made to feel like you are letting people down or not caring enough, when actually it can just be about wanting a bit of your own life back after decades of responsibility.
It feels less like a revolt and more like long overdue boundaries. Grandmothers are allowed to be more than just caregivers. They are allowed to rest, to have interests, to travel, to do nothing if they want.

AIBU to think this is not about grandparents being unwilling, but about grandmothers in particular carrying a burden that people are only just starting to question?

I don’t have grandchildren but if I were to have any I wouldn’t commit to regular chIldcare. Of course I’d help out in an emergency. My sister agreed to care for her 2 grandchildren 2 days per week. Then her DIL increased her work hours and expected her to take on the additional days. When she pushed back she was made to feel guilty for doing so but held her ground and miraculously other childcare was arranged.

I don’t know any grandparents - why are comments only about grandmothers, providing childcare. - they are at work.

I think yanbu to identify the gendered nature of caring roles in our culture and the expectations on women being unequal. Completely agree that grandmothers are more than caregivers and should slow down and do what they enjoy after years of giving to their families.

But otoh when I see threads where posters insist they will do no regular childcare for their children, I don’t get that. I’m in my 40s so perhaps I will feel differently if and when I am a granny. But I want to be what I try to be for my kids now, a stable and predictable person they can rely on and turn to. Plus I’d want a close relationship with grandkids. So I want to help in a boundaried way. So does my DH though, I’d be very unimpressed if it was me to do the caring and him off cycling or whatever. Also agree taking on too much is not good - I’d want my own life too.

It is mostly grandmothers who provide childcare not grandfathers.

No mention of the DS. Did he make her feel guilty for not doing the additional days?

Tbh I get pretty annoyed with these articles. Some grandparents love helping out, some don’t. Some still work, some don’t. I think if your adult children EXPECT you to provide free childcare just because you’re a grandmother then you haven’t raised them very well.

As a mum, I raised my ds by myself. All his grandparents were dead and my ex decided fairly quickly that parenting was woman's work. I worked full time all the way through and covered all the bills as well, after ex left.

Will I help with my grandchildren's care? In an emergency, yes of course, just as I would help any friend or family member.

But will I be free regular childcare - no. Having children is a choice. I chose to have ds because I wanted him and derived huge pleasure from being with him. I waited until I could support a child. I planned how to support him, didn't give up my career or go part time and was able to cope when ex did a flit.

I expect the same sensible choices from the next generation.

Yes. She phoned me quite upset as apparently she was told it was making things difficult for them. It hurt her but she had to stand firm.

My MIL announced she was retiring the minute my husband said I was pregnant. She was already in the process of negotiation for stopping work (lots of exit settlements), and she expedited it without a word from us (if fact we'd have said not to because we had various plans and didn't need any form of care for 18m).

She wouldn't recognise the idea that she's this put-upon, under appreciated drudge. If we ever move or alter her usual slot with DS, she tries to insist on having him another time, even if it's wildly inconvenient for all concerned (e.g. oh, you took him on holiday last week, so I'll have him Weds as well next week - when he's usually in nursery).

We can easily afford the extra childcare. She wants to do it.

It's not a generalisation that's useful to anyone - especially when you get bitter and unnuanced replies to MN threads bitching about free childcare.

One of my friends was cut off by her son because she wouldn't give up work to do childcare. The messages he sent her one day because she was out doing her hobby and didn't answer the phone when he wanted her to babysit that night were really disgusting, but to cut her off altogether was still a shock to her. She works with a woman who was cut off by her daughter for the same thing so they support each other through it. The expectations some people have of their family is way too high when it comes to childcare.

But you only mentioned the DIL initially when both of them were equally to blame.

YANBU.

So many MNetters complain their DCs grandparents don't see their grandkids enough, and then later in the thread it transpires they mean they don't babysit enough.

And don't even start me on how it's often dismissed as 'watching' their grandchildren rather than providing actual childcare.

It is definitely presumed. Friend does 4 days then they had a wedding that Friday so had her again. She 60s. She said if you help one then they all asking.. I think I would help however not full time but you prob have to be clear from the start what you can do. Its def taken advantage of

Same, but with three grandparents! My MIL went part time when I was pregnant and had my children one day a week. FIL was just as present and they all spent the day together.

My mum also asked to do a day a week (step-father was at work), and my dad again took early retirement and has not only had my children a day every week, he has taken them on numerous holidays and day trips, and would drop everything in an emergency to collect from school etc if I was stuck at work.

My children are older teens now, but their relationship with their grandparents is beautiful to see. My 17 year old went for a sleepover at his gran’s last weekend just because he fancied it! I would never have expected, and I never asked. It was offered willingly.

Maybe my dad is the exception, but he has always been present and I don’t know what I would have done without him in those earlier years.

Sounds similar to my mum. She usually has my son on Mondays and is having withdrawal symptoms from the Bank Holiday this week! We agreed one day a week when I first fell pregnant, I regularly ask her if she is finding it too much and she’s offered to do more. We constantly thank her and remind her how much money she is saving us and that we really appreciate it. My two year old literally jumps up and down with excitement when he sees her car pull up which is so lovely to see. She’s not been put in a position where she HAS to do this.

That just feels like blaming women again.

Saying you haven’t raised them very well lands straight on the mother, as if she is solely responsible for how adult children turn out. It skips over everything else going on in families and wider society.

It also ignores who this actually falls on. It is nearly always grandmothers being leaned on, not grandfathers. You do not see the same comments about grandads being told they must have failed in their parenting if they are asked to help. It keeps coming back to women.

It is up to the grandparents. I run my own business and will arrange my hours to fit around childcare as and when it is asked for. For me and DH it will be a privilege, not a burden. I have friends who feel the same.

One of my reasons for staying as fit and healthy as possible is to enjoy my grandchildren to the full and to be able to cope with long days of childcare.

I agree that babysitting/childminding is often seen on here as the only way a loving relationship with grandparents can be achieved. It's nonsense.
We had no childcare from grandparents as they lived way too far away for that but my kids had a lovely relationship with them all, including a great grandma. Quality, not quantity.

Sorry it was a mistype. It should have read “they expected her….”

I’m sorry but I really don’t see your point with this one.

All my childcare when I was little was provided by my grandfather. My little boy was sick last week and my FIL took the day off to look after him. My FIL also looks after his other grandson every Friday (MIL still works, he works part time).

If an adult is expecting their mother to become a childminder (just because she’s a woman) for their children and will cut them off or make them feel guilty because they don’t want to, then that to me is the sign of a bad relationship to begin with. They haven’t been raised to see their parents as humans with their own lives, just a resource to be tapped.

I think that reluctant parents then make reluctant grandparents whether male or female. It’s just that the generation above us had a lot less asked of them in the workplace (no emails / mobile phones so less 24/7 demanding roles etc).
It often falls to the female grandparents because of a previous imbalance in the expectations at home when they themselves were parents. I’m in my 40’s, receive no help with childcare because my parents cannot be bothered (that’s fine) so I decided to be SAHP. When the kids are grown and having children of their own, I’d love to be close with my grandkids but also close to my own children and so I’ll happily care for them. Key difference being that my husband is used to be actively involved in childcare too, so it won’t be solo.

All my childcare when I was little was provided by my grandfather. My little boy was sick last week and my FIL took the day off to look after him. My FIL also looks after his other grandson every Friday (MIL still works, he works part time).

OK all the childcare was provided by your grandfather when you were little - you do realise that is fairly uncommon right? The burden is still falling on the grandmothers the majority of the time.

If an adult is expecting their mother to become a childminder (just because she’s a woman) for their children and will cut them off or make them feel guilty because they don’t want to, then that to me is the sign of a bad relationship to begin with.

I think that takes a very narrow view of what is actually going on.
Framing it as a bad relationship makes it sound like this is just about difficult individuals, when actually there are much wider expectations at play. The pressure is not applied equally. It is far more common for daughters to turn to their mothers, and for families to assume and expect grandmothers will step in, while grandfathers are rarely placed under the same expectation.

It is not always like a simple case of someone deciding to demand childcare and threaten guilt. It is often something that builds quietly over time. A bit of help here and there becomes regular, then relied upon and before long it feels like an obligation. A previous poster has already mentioned this. That is not necessarily about a bad relationship, it is about a pattern that has never really been questioned.

There is also a social layer to it. Women are still expected to carry the bulk of care, whether that is with their own children or later as grandmothers. When that expectation has been there for years, it shapes how families function without anyone sitting down and explicitly agreeing it.

So when grandmothers start pushing back, it is not always because something is wrong in the relationship. It can simply be that they are recognising a level of pressure that has been unfair all along.

The expectations placed on grandmothers are different, heavier and far more normalised than those placed on grandfathers.

There was a thread yesterday from a 70 year old grandmother who felt bad because she had a long term booked holiday that could clash with DIL giving birth to her second.

This poster had always stepped up and provided care, cooking and cleaning when asked, but really wanted to go on the short trip. The DIL had a sister nearby, two living parents, and they had money to possibly arrange a nanny.

The poster felt guilty about not being there when DIL went into labour....well A LOT of the responses were total guilt trips.
" Oh, I could never...."
Women guilting women.

So even though many people will answer on here that they don't think this problem exists, MN proves otherwise.

It’s actually both the grandfathers who provide childcare for us! My dad and my OH’s dad. FIL does 1 day a week, my dad lives a couple of hours away so comes to stay once a month or so and does a couple of days helping with childcare and visiting at the same time, or drives down to stay when we are really stuck eg toddler off nursery sick. My dad says he loves it as he gets to do a lot of the day to day things he missed out on when I was a toddler, as he was working a lot and my mum was a SAHM. FIL is brilliant and very hands on.

(We always check they are happy to help, we also use paid childcare - both have offered as they want to help us and spend time doing fun everyday things with grandkids rather than just “visiting.”

Sorry maybe it is uncommon, I just find it hard to wrap my head around because it wasn’t my experience or the experience of people I knew and know.
In my friendship group (there are 6 of us with children) three regularly have their children looked after by grandmothers, two by grandfathers and one by both.
I turn to my mother because my dad is useless. He wasn’t interested as a father, so I have zero expectations of him as a grandfather. My FIL was always “hands on” with my husband so we lean on my MIL & FIL equally.
I just find it hard to believe that these arrangements aren’t something you sit down, discuss, agree and regularly review - because that’s what I do with my mum. I would see anyone who just assumed their mother would provide free childcare as super spoilt and entitled!