AIBU to challenge my partner's Sunday football commitment and family time?

[TheSoundOfHome]

AIBU to confront my partner about joining a football team that plays a competitive match every Sunday at 4pm? I feel it now puts Sunday 'on the clock' and means we can't really have a full day out as a family like we used to (we have two young kids aged 6 and 9). I thought we had a unwritten rule that weekends are sacred family time while the children are young but my partner has now unilaterally decided to take time out for themselves and break this arrangement. They say the Sunday match is non-negotiable and seem to take it for granted that I'll look after the kids between 3 and 6 every Sunday. Any thoughts on how I should best handle this (we've already unfortunately had a bust up!).

I think you’ve completely missed the point of the OPs post.

I play tennis too, and I book ahead of time and I might play every week, but it’s not writing off every Sunday afternoon. Which is what the OP has an issue with

I have friends in running clubs, my husband plays golf with people and solo, I have friends husbands that train for sporting events together, go to the gym together.

you don’t seem to be able to accept that people do things differently

Doing something you enjoy and that keeps you fit is not "writing off" any time. And a team sport has to be a regular commitment so you don't mess around your teammates.

The OP hasn't informed her husband that Sunday afternoons are apparently unsuitable for hobbies - surely that is the crux of this issue? She's unilaterally decided the entire weekend is "sacred family time" and hasn't accepted that other people don't agree.

It seems to only not work for the OP. Her DH obviously doesn't have an issue with it.

So only the OPs opinion counts does it? And they seem to have all Sat free also

I've never really understood this obsession with " family" time.

Great way to do dven less than he does now.
I wouldn't be happy but it doesn't sound as if he cares what you think.

I don't think that wanting 3 hours to yourself, once a week, to do something that benefits your physical and mental health is unreasonable at all, as long as your partner has the freedom to do the same. If your partner chooses not to take time for themselves, either out of martyrdom or because of a self-imposed "unwritten rule" that weekends must be given over entirely to doing things as a family unit, that's their call.

I don't get this thing about weekends being "sacred family time". Does that mean neither of you is ever allowed to go out to meet friends or go anywhere by yourself on the weekends? I would hate to be told I was only allowed to socialise or do anything seperate from my family on weekday evenings after a long day at work. That seems very controlling to me. The argument that a weekly football match starting at 4pm on a Sunday prevents you from having weekend days out also seems to be very much clutching at straws. You can still be out all day every Saturday, and there's nothing stopping you going out on Sundays too if you so wish, you just need to be back by 4pm.

I know that some men absolutely take the piss with their hobbies, but there are also a lot of men who aren't active enough and their social lives revolve entirely around drinking. I actively encourage my DH to play football and golf and to go for a run, and facilitate it by looking after the kids, because he has a sedentary job and I want him to live as long as possible. He also encourages me to do things that are important for my own wellbeing, and facilitates this by looking after the kids. It's about give and take.

What difference does it matter if they are a same sex couple? OPs issue is still the same.
You don’t even know a woman has wrote this post. Lots of heterosexual couples use the word partner. They could also be non binary or OP might just want an opinion based on the issue

The added bonus of being a cricket family for us is that we we were all into it. Our children got into boys' and girls' teams, then senior teams, one played for the county...all 4 still play, 2 at university, 2 post university. I am still in the women's team.
We used to take other kids to the cricket club whose parents couldn't find the time for the 20 mimute trip

I think you are being a bit U. They should have run it past you first but I don’t think it’s a massive ask. I was having a chat with a friend recently whose partner played football and she said how much she resented it when the kids were small but now realises it was crucial to his mental health. So much so that when he had an injury she was desperate for him to get back playing again.

I do agree that you should try carve out something for yourself. I’m a lone worker and mother of 2 and I would go stir crazy without a bit of ‘me’ time and some company!

Similar discussions here. It's tricky but it'll probably be good for him and the trenches if parenting should be over? Ish. It just needs to be balanced. In your shoes I'd see if we could agree to Saturday family day, Sunday jobs, homework, and exercise. Saturday do something nice all together. Sunday, you take a couple of hours first thing or lunch time to do some exercise yourself (or alternative), take it in turns to do food shop/kids homework across the middle of the day, then he does football while you make dinner for 6pm. He can wash up, do baths, whatever.

Social workers are also obsessed with it. Ours wanted us to have it every weekend, late DH used to try and force DS2 to have it, which rather defeats the purpose.

I can’t see a problem with this. It’s a few hours out of the weekend.

The replies are very disappointing, is nobody aware of the crisis in men’s MH, a few hours on a Sunday isn’t a big ask. I can see why so many relationships fail, women demanding every spare minute is ‘family time’ can be controlling and overwhelming. We all need some time to enjoy ourselves, OPs kids are 6/9, not babies.

I agree - I don’t think this is a big deal, as long as OP also gets time to themself (sexes really unclear here).

Fwiw my DH works on Saturdays - it’s his choice to do it as we do not need the money, and it’s been an issue between us for years as it means that Sunday is our only family day together, and I feel restricted in doing things alone on that day as it means we have very little time as a family of 4 - so I do understand where you’re coming from but equally, a few hours on Sunday is not the whole day, and it‘s not even in an annoying window of the day (ie the middle) - you can still have a day out all day Saturday and Sunday morning if you want.

Well I'd agree there's a lack of awareness of mental health but What do you think of a football team telling a member the time is non negotiable when they are perfectly aware members are fathers?

Do you know that single women are amongst the most mentally healthy people in the population- marriage works better for men? You can see how can't you?

The time is non- negotiable...it's a team sport!

Teams have subs-
When I was in a netball team there was no question of it being non negotiable. You have to have subs.
Surely it's better to operate with the possibility of swapping people in and out? That way more get to play.
Sorry but there's an element of an almost religious taboo here around the football. At a purely practical level the family is a team and you can't swap in another father so the football team is telling the family when they can and can't be together every single week. And that's not strange to anyone. What happens if he misses a week? They must have mechanisms? Why can't he role share?
Just don't think most hobbies or even most teams of adults with families can operate like that.

Well, not all teams have enough people to have subs.
Those that do have a couple of subs, tend to use them on match days too - so more than the 11 (or 5? Not sure if this is a full game or a 5-a-side) are needed.
If you are the goalie, then most teams don't have 'reserve goalies' available like a professional club do.
But clearly people do have times where they can't play. Non-negotiable in this scenario means 'a commitment' which clearly is needed if you sign up to any team sport, just the same as if you are a drummer in a band or an actor in a theatre production. Others will 'cope' if there is a off off time you can't come, but the commitment to being there every week is important in any team scenario. It means it isn't a 'casual, drop in when you feel like it' thing like it might be if you were doing a solo sport. The manager has a right to expect that people that sign up are agreeing to make that a priority each week and that they aren't starting from scratch trying to get a team together week in week out.

She hasn't said that.

Don’t be daft. There are at least 25 people involved plus subs and managers. They’re not going to change kick off to appease 1 blokes morning wife.

Just have enough people to cover?

Plan your longer days out on Saturdays.We used to aim for a half day at the weekend of family time. The rest would be taken up by kids activities . Soon enough they will have sport or clubs at the weekend too.

DP needs to get up on Sunday am to do something , and shouldn’t expect a big meal every week when they get back ( if you are a Sunday roast family)

My husband has never had a hobby for years apart from playing Xbox 😂 and so when recently he said he had been asked to train as a football coach for my sons under 12’s team as someone had left I was happy for him and didn’t mind but as a person who hates football I didn’t understand the commitment and I was very annoyed/mad when I realised. Especially as initially they were training twice as week AND playing every Saturday. It settled down to training once a week and he would be out 5.30-7.30 and then a game on Saturday where he was out 3 hours in the
morning. We live kind of in the middle of nowhere so that means Saturdays are “out” for doing much and also Sundays he does the ironing- he is pretty obsessive about it and we very rarely have Sunday plans as he then stresses about the ironing…
Best of it was after 2 weeks our son quit the team 🤦‍♀️ but he had already committed so he carried on. I had initially been pleased that they would have a joint hobby
Its caused arguments a few times but mostly the weeknight training as I will have started cooking for what time he is due back and he will be late without telling me as they have had a debrief at the end or he has had to take one of the boys home so I am usually at home hangry
I feel bad as yesterday he said it’s the last game next week and he is unsure whether to carry on as the boys keep losing so all they do is complain and he is sick of it 😂 I said “I am happy you have got a hobby now but also from a selfish point of view I would be happy if you quit”
But will leave it up to him to decide- he knows after a talk we had recently that I want us to do more together now the kids are getting older and can be left for a few hours
In terms of if I get time for hobbies- I go for lunch most weeks with a friend and a night out maybe 3/4 times a year but other than that I don’t really have a hobby or social life but I am a home body

This thread is bonkers. So many people think it's okay for a parent to make a commitment that requires the other parent to look after the kids alone/not book anything themselves during that time, without so much as a conversation beforehand!

When you have kids you need to not take your dp for granted and just assume they'll pick up any parenting slack. Asking goes a long way!

I also wonder what will happen when the kids start having parties to go to and if OP ever wants to go away at the weekend? A hobby that you can't dip in and out of, that requires his presence every Sunday is a huge commitment.

Half of that is your own doimg. Why wait for him to eat during the week if your hungry? Why does where you live stop you doing anything on a Sat?

Sorry but people need hobbies, do family stuff on Saturdays?!
it will likely only be part of the year surely as football is seasonal