AIBU to challenge my partner's Sunday football commitment and family time?

[TheSoundOfHome]

AIBU to confront my partner about joining a football team that plays a competitive match every Sunday at 4pm? I feel it now puts Sunday 'on the clock' and means we can't really have a full day out as a family like we used to (we have two young kids aged 6 and 9). I thought we had a unwritten rule that weekends are sacred family time while the children are young but my partner has now unilaterally decided to take time out for themselves and break this arrangement. They say the Sunday match is non-negotiable and seem to take it for granted that I'll look after the kids between 3 and 6 every Sunday. Any thoughts on how I should best handle this (we've already unfortunately had a bust up!).

The kids are 6 & 9, how long did you see your imaginary rule lasting?
Life happens, never understood this rigid ‘family time’

I think it’s OK. You are bound to have different interests - that’s healthy and perfectly normal. I would taken them down to watch with some snacks for an hour - if the weather is ok or organise something else with them. Your DC are 6 and 9 so should be able to play independently for a few hours while you all chill at home especially if you’ve been out for a few hours as a family before DH goes to play.

Perhaps your DH needs this time, like properly needs it. Male bonding, emotional support type of needs it. My DP is exactly the same. He needs his weekly rugby match for his well-being. The thing is, we’re a team together and I do my own hobbies and trips with my friends too as that’s what I need.

Find your balance but don’t stop him. Be a team.

You’re lucky he doesn’t play golf…

Don’t see a problem with this.

I know right? Women have never, ever had a hobby with young children…

I thought we had a unwritten rule that weekends are sacred family time

This is ridiculous for several reasons - firstly the OTT use of the word "sacred" as if it's some sort of religious or devotional rite, secondly the implication that it covers the entire weekend, 24/7, of having to be in each other's company (otherwise what will happen...) and most of all the fact that it's UNWRITTEN, in other words your partner has no idea about it.

It's the kind of phrase that makes me incredibly grateful to be child-free. Except, thinking about it, I don't know a single parent who considers the entire weekend to be "sacred family time" that prohibits them from doing any sort of hobby or activity by themselves. It's not the norm which makes the "unwritten" aspect (and the "sacred" framing) even more absurd.

And a football match at 4pm in no way prevents spending the majority of the day with each other, anyway.

It's good for parents of young children to have time to themselves and 3 hours in a weekend is not excessive. Just make sure you also get 3 hours every weekend and stop martyring yourself.

There's something about the importance of the community activity. It seems unreasonable for a football team to have a rule that it's 'non negotiable:' there are bound to be dads. It's not a workplace. The aim ought to be to have enough people that it's not such a rigid commitment and players can not do some of them.

So Id expect that level of commitment to facilitate the kids activities if they were involved in something. But I wouldn't want to sign up to something non negotiable for me because of how it might impact the rest. It'd feel to me a bit controlling of my family life that another group of people take priority like that especially a hobby. . But your DH doesn't think like that. I think I get where you are coming from.
If you went swimming every week you could and would probably miss it if the occasional family day out presented itself and you could adjust the timing.
Posters are missing the point that OP wants the relaxed time with the kids and sometimes to do things that don't fit those times. Two people makes It an easier task. Lots of stuff happens Sundays. Sounds like the football team are over reliant on the OPs DH.

YABU. That wouldn't bother me.

My husband competes in Motorsport and is away for whole weekends in the summer. Granted I usually go and watch him but still.

He gets away with it because I equally have a big hobby and we just give each other the time we want.

If it was a whole day, then yes OP I can understand your frustration.

I think it's ok because it's not until later on Sunday and there's nothing stopping Saturday being family time. It'll also only be during football season. DH works voluntary overtime every other Saturday and I actually really like having time with just me and DS

What do you feel like you are missing out on? What activities would you otherwise be doing as a family? I would hazard a guess that most weekends you could get up early, still do what you planned to do, and then him head straight off to football

YABU - it’s only 3 hours and every parent needs some time out to themselves and an interest outside of work and parenting….. including you!!! Make sure you carve out the same amount of time for yourself.

Could you plan days out for Saturday? What’s the barrier to you not having time to yourself? Could you take it if you wanted?

That’s the end of the weekend, a much better time and well thought out. I used to do a class at 5pm on a Sunday leave at 4 and back at 7. It was perfect as it didn’t disrupt our weekends.

you sound very resentful OP.

With football some weekends you can take the kids to and support him/her and they will enjoy it, may even want to get involved themselves.

The timing would really annoy me, because late Sunday afternoon until bedtime here is key “homework, lunches for week, uniform sorting, bag packing, hair washing, making and eating dinner” time and I’d be annoyed if DH was not here to help. I guess we’d have to move things to accommodate, which I’d be more likely to do graciously if actually asked instead of being told it was “non-negotiable”.

But three hours a weekend doesn’t seem that big of a deal when you could presumably just do a day out on Saturday? Does this also involve training in the week?

Reframe Sundays in your head. At 9am you go out and do something which revitalises you, whether it’s a sport or exercise, a walk, a chance to do some sketching, or a morning with your book in a lovely spot. Then at 12 or 1 you get home and spend the afternoon doing nice pottering things at home. Your kids are a really good age to be doing their own things at home- Lego, reading, games together- and it’s probably nice for them to have a relaxed Sunday afternoon. If you like food, you could cook something that takes a bit more time than you usually get.

OTOH if the issue isn’t the time away but the high-handed nature of your partner’s behaviour, or if s/he sabotages your personal time so you don’t get any, that’s a different problem and would require different solutions.

4pm on Sunday for a few hours is the end of the weekend. I am confused why it sucks? You still have two full days of family time. Sunday could be a work day with a 4pm start.

Can’t you have your days out on Saturday instead?

Have Saturday as family time. You get Sunday morning to yourself. He gets 3pm to 8pm to himself for football. That seems a good balance to me. In my house cricket rules. Every Saturday from 12-8pm and Sundays from 11-6pm I have 3 late teens who all play cricket for different teams. DH and I drive them, take a picnic and watch them play in turn. It's different from the days we did family things every weekend but actually it's a nice afternoon out. I get to sit and chat to friends, have a glass of wine and enjoy the sunshine.

Sunday's pretty much over by that time be grateful it's not 11am it's hardly excessive
You've still got most of the day and Saturday
Sport is a great outlet for physical and mental health
Find something for yourself if you're worried about fair split of time.

I mean, how many full days out does one family need!?! Surely you would run out of places to go (and money) if you went out every Saturday and every Sunday for full days??
I feel that by 4pm on Sunday the weekend is almost done anyway. The perfect time for a hobby.
Are your kids difficult to manage by yourself OP?

I think ‘assuming’ is the problem both sides - you assumed all weekend was “sacred”, he assumed Sunday afternoons were up for grabs. You both need to communicate a bit better.

I don’t think you can really flat out refuse this - it’s not a huge commitment and you can plan around it. Your kids will likely start dance or football or tennis or whatever soon anyway so weekends will keep changing. The most important thing now is to make sure you also spend a few hours each week doing what you want to do too. You don’t want to turn into a martyr or the default parent if he’s never on his own with the kids.

Sorry but your husband not doing equal childcare and you not taking time for yourself is the problem, not the football.

What are you doing in the precious Family Time. Presumably, if anything, you are booking are organising stuff and hoping for an extra pair of hands because your husband leaves you to the lions share during the week.

There's nothing wrong with him playing football on a Sunday. You're being controlling about it because you're bitter about something else, so address that. Do you need him to pull his weight more in the week? Do you want him to do meal prep on a Sunday morning or take the kids to the park for a kick around for a few hours? Perhaps book a fortnightly Saturday trip out together to look forward to.

Clearly you see weekends as family time but that isn't in of itself a plan so agree clearer plans. Presumably you both want a nice time together as a family, so plan when and what that is. He wants to play football, fine, you get some nice time with the kids when hes out and then he does too, so what do you want to do while he has quality time with them?

I disagree 4pm on a Sunday is a bad time. You can lie in while he gets up and takes the kids out for the morning and then prep and enjoy a nice Sunday lunch together. Clear up, prep for the week ahead or play with the kids together and then he goes to football while you do bath and bedtime for the kids and then you can jump in the bath with a book and he can do any evening settling. Watch a film together when he's had a shower.

It leaves all on Saturday free for a day out together.

As you work from home, what other adult company do you have, apart from your partner? Could you organise something sociable one evening a week? Every weekend without doing anything separately seems like quite a lot. Sunday afternoon is always the least good part of the weekend anyway.