AIBU for making a harsh comment to DH about our sex life?

[HungryJ]

DH and I have had issues with our sex life for a while now and I have to admit I resent him for it. He keeps promising to try and improve things but this lasts a couple of days at most.

We had yet another argument this morning, and were shopping this afternoon. On the way back to the car, a man passed us in a vest who’d clearly been to the gym.

DH made a sarky comment to me when we sat in the car about my eyeing him up.

I replied ‘yeah, need to make sure I remember him for when I use my toy tomorrow when you’re working’.

DH snapped that I was out of order. I told him I stand by what I said. I’m just feeling so fed up.

She started it by openly eyeing him up knowing her DP could see her doing it

Isn't that normally considered very frequent? What on earth are you expecting?

This

He didn’t start it @catsaremyfavoirite. She did when she started perving on some bloke.
also, once a week isn’t a sexless marriage.
also, on the evidence given, it is she who is damaging his self esteem by making nasty comments.
look for the root. Of course he doesn’t want to sleep with her, she ogles other blokes, and says she’ll wank whilst thinking about them. If someone doesn’t want to sleep with you when you treat them like that, maybe try being nicer.

It’s normal for only one person to instigate it? Really?

Don't stick up for bullies. Come on. We're better than that. We don't have to stick up for women in everything, just because we're a woman. She's being a bitchy bully. She's being called out on it and quite rightfully so.

They're not having sex as much as SHE wants so she resorts to that?? How the fuck do you think her husband feels?? How would you feel if your partner was watching someone enough for you to notice and then to reply that he was doing it so he could wank over them next time you're working??

She's vile.

You sound nasty. Once a week in a long term marriage is pretty average, but if even if that’s not okay for you then you don’t get to be nasty about it. Imagine if the roles were reversed!

I would always expect women to instigate it. The man instigating it raises too many grey questions regarding boundaries, consent, etc.

I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm or not…

Awful, awful thing to say. And you wonder why he doesn’t want to have sex with you?
If a man came on here, complaining that is wife “never” had sex with him, then said it was once a week and she wouldn’t dare leave him because of his salary? He’d be destroyed.

Fed up or not, you sound horrible, OP. Can’t imagine he will feel like having sex with someone who makes comments like that. Good luck.

OP's reaction was way OTT and out of order. I don't blame him for how he feels about that. However knowing the issues in the marriage, from either side, it wasn't his brightest move to say what he did either. I'm not condoning OP at all, but he should have had the sense to let sleeping dogs lie. His comment was a dig at OP, even if very much milder than hers. He really didn't help things.

I so agree with this. In the same way that some people complain that some posters go for an op no matter what, many ‘kind’ people do the opposite, and stick up for an op absolutely regardless of how vile they are.

Which actually ultimately doesn’t help them.

What would actually help the op is some self awareness, to see how her behaviour affects others and thus how they respond accordingly. of course he never initiates sex with you, it’s extremely unlikely that he likes you.

That's an odd assumption and world view. Consent and boundaries exist only for women? I would be pretty irritated if I had to always initiate sex. Even women want to feel wanted and desired.

Why should he have the ‘sense’? Would you say that to a woman? The fact he doesn’t want to have more sex and can’t leave due to money doesn’t mean he shouldn’t speak out when his partner behaves badly!

It's nothing to do with expectations. If he hasn't got a sex drive and doesn't want sex with you then thats what it is.

If sex is the most important thing in your relationship then find someone else and leave him. Or ask for an open relationship.

Has he always not wanted sex with you or is this a recent thing? Has something about him changed? Or something about you changed and he doesn't find you attractive any more?

Know what? I actually like the comment. Was it harsh? Maybe, I don't know your situation.
But if you felt that way at that moment, good that you expressed it. I'm fed up of having to mind people's feelings, even more when they're unrepenting!

Well it's hardly going to improve the situation, is it, saying things like that to him? If you've got to the stage where you're saying nasty things like this I'd have thought the marriage was dead.

Are you a bloke who tells your wife/girlfriend you're going to wank over other women because she's 'not putting out'?

Because that's exactly how you sound.

Yeah sure

Whats the deeper issue with your sex life?

Snarky comments wont change things. Has he a low sex drive? Is he working long hours? Has he a medical issue? Etc etc

You maybe sexually frustrated but that is now translating into anger and mean behaviour. Unsure what the overall relationship between you two is but if there is constant tension, then it's unlikely that he wants to be intimate with you. Have you ever had a calm, blameless conversation? If it has been established that you have mismatched sex drives and it is unlikely to change, then make a decision on the future of your relationship. Saying he'll be in trouble without your salary feels like you are both are staying for the wrong reasons.

No, actually this sort of thing is all that’s wrong with the world. People being rude and saying they’re just “telling it how it is” and whatever else. It’s just being rude. Sometimes you do need to mind other people’s feelings.

If this was posted by a guy you'd be savaged.
What else is going on?

@FieryA Consent and boundaries exist only for women?

Obviously, it's not the same going the other way. It is extremely rare for a woman to sexually assault a man, and much more difficult to do so.