AIBU for making a harsh comment to DH about our sex life?

[HungryJ]

DH and I have had issues with our sex life for a while now and I have to admit I resent him for it. He keeps promising to try and improve things but this lasts a couple of days at most.

We had yet another argument this morning, and were shopping this afternoon. On the way back to the car, a man passed us in a vest who’d clearly been to the gym.

DH made a sarky comment to me when we sat in the car about my eyeing him up.

I replied ‘yeah, need to make sure I remember him for when I use my toy tomorrow when you’re working’.

DH snapped that I was out of order. I told him I stand by what I said. I’m just feeling so fed up.

If he doesn’t want sex as often as you then you have two choices. Accept it and stay or leave.
Treating him like this is hardly going to tempt him back into bed with you.

Instigate sex? What an odd phrase. Initiate, perhaps?

See this is why you need to break up. He doesn't really want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. "If you want more sex you have to join me in my kink" is a massive massive turn off. I'm not surprised you're pissed off. Your mistake is in trying to keep the relationship going. You're flogging a dead horse. A gay dead horse who isn't really happy unless he's taking it up the shitter. It really is pointless.

Maybe at the very outset? But in a long term relationship i think that would be unusual.

I think you are right. I appreciate the bluntness.

You don't like the same kind of sex.
If sex is important to you, which it sounds like it is, I can only assume that is a deal breaker

Or if a man said that his wife needed the salary.
In reality, nearly everyone goes through a period of not being able to have sex much-never mind a week, when I had a gynae issue I couldn't do anything for the best part of a year. For some people, it will be hormones/illness etc, but for nearly every couple there will be long dry spells, and many spouses support each other through it. If there's no obvious reason, seeing a doctor or therapist could help.

@HungryJ

I don’t believe this is actually real. But on the off chance it is a true story you are a nasty piece of work.

He deserves better. That’s not how you treat and speak to someone you love and care about.

Can you imagine if this was a man saying this to his wife? It’s stupid, childish and downright nasty, if your husband doesn’t want to have sex how about some healthy empathy and curiosity as to why? Your behaviour is appalling.

God you sound vile

The second thread tonight that @HungryJ has shown themselves up, and the comments on the other one were very illuminating at her lack of empathy.

Sounds like the person who would like to leave should just leave and not impact the other party further....

As someone that works in policy for another social media group, if I was passed this on I would deem it homophobic. Just saying

So the perceived homophobia is the problem but not anything else? yes, the language is blunt and I dont agree that liking pegging necessarily makes someone gay, but the facts are that he will only have sex with his wife under sufferance and is saying that she could have more sex if she indulges his kink. Thats coercion, doesnt that bother you more?!

I’m confused of course a man who wants anal sex is never going. To be happy in a straight tel unless his wife is willing to peg him and take anal sex.

Thats not homophobia that’s having sexual boundaries

Double ewww. Honestly your dh has been completely emasculated by you. Maybe changevyour tude

LOL. You sound absolutely awful!

YABVU

I think you were out of order, tbh. Not to be resentful re the situation regarding your dissatisfaction with your sex life, which is fair enough- but that was a shitty thing to say to him. And your attitude about the whole incident was also awful. Maybe that is part of the reason he doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Let’s face it, if the genders were reversed you would be getting utterly torn apart on here. You would be told that obviously ogling other people in front of your partner is pretty crass (or possibly creepy). When your partner noticed/objected, to then make comments to them implying that you’d like to have sex with the person you are ogling and will be imagining that person whilst masturbating later would be deemed wholly unacceptable (and quite possibly enough of a red flag to start suggesting LTB). And when challenged about that, refusing to acknowledge that it’s really not how you should treat someone you supposedly love, instead blaming your partner for your own behaviour (because you resent them for refusing to have sex more often), would also be condemned and another reason to LTB. You’d be getting called all the names under the sun.

if this were a man posting about his female partner, you’d be encouraged not to push your partner, as nothing is less likely to put someone off than feeling pressurised to have sex. You’d be told that you should consider whether you are doing your fair share at home, or if there is a health (physical or mental) reason behind your partners reduced libido, and to be patient.

Look, I understand frustration at not getting your needs met- especially when it sounds like you’ve discussed it but nothing has changed- and that’s absolutely ok to be unhappy about. You do need to find a way forward as a couple and your DH needs to play his part. But quite honestly, that sort of behaviour is highly unlikely to make him want to have sex with you, is it?

So is him only wanting it once a week (having boundaries). It's fine for him to have boundaries too. Once a week is quite a bit really.

This definitely isn't common sense generally, for a lot of people if the man never initiated it and always left it to the woman it would ruin their sex life. I would argue that most women would hate to always be the one to initiate.

But if you're so unsure about boundaries and consent etc then in your case you definitely should wait for her to initiate it.

God. What a gross attitude to have. Imagine your husband expecting sex on demand because he earns the money.

To be fair he said something awful to you first - how were you supposed to respond?
Also, given he doesn’t seem to be interested much anymore, would it be unreasonable for me to suggest cherchez le femme?

I thought the same. It’s like he baited OP and then got upset at her response.

No, but not sure of the relevance.

It sounds like you are infuriated and humiliated by his lack of desire. Despite what modern society might try and tell us in most m/f relationships the man is normally the high libido partner and there are always problems in my experience if this is flipped. You need someone you are compatible with.