Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

[Panickingatthepicnic]

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

I am puzzled as to what you feel you have to reassure him about ...

Sorry haven’t read her updates . Did he do it to her before ?

It wasn't an update, it was in the OP.

It's a trust issue, isn't it? Being pinned down, frantic and breathless by someone you trusted would have taken you back to the past horrible incident when you were sexually assaulted. No wonder you are anxious. However, your anxiety seems to be for HIS feelings being hurt by YOUR reaction. There is something wrong there. You are entitled to make him feel apologetic and quiet. He transgressed your safety and boundaries. It will take some time to recover trust. Perhaps counselling?

I’ve been out all day with my sister in law and we haven’t spoken. I’m not sure whether to bring it up when I get home or just, well I don’t know. I want to know why he did it, but I don’t know how to start the conversation

This. Please get out now

If you cannot sit with your parter and ask why he did it and explain him that he made you feel uncomfortable you have a much deeper issue here than unconsensual sex. You need to communicate with a partner and be able to establish boundaries, if you don't know how to do this you're not ready for a relationship and may need some therapy/introspection on why you're unable to stand up for yourself. If he sweeps the whole thing under the rug, doesn't want to talk about it or minimises it then he's the one who should not be in a relationship.

Doing a sexual act when you said no is assault
Holding your head on his penis is awful, as a standalone incident it could be a mis judgement but it’s not good
the money could be a joke but again with the others it’s not great.
id think really carefully not just about how he treats you but about how you behave around him.
Do you find yourself placating him, tip toeing around him? Worrying you have upset him?
Do you feel comfortable to challenge him? Say no to him?

Great measured response.

He tried something alright. He tried to stop her from breathing. It’s not like he tried strawberry jam in a Victoria sponge instead of raspberry.

He literally forced oral sex on you when you were sick and on another occasion threw a tenner your way and said for your services.

He's literally showing you who he truly is and it's not good. You shouldn't be pussyfooting around reassuring this guy. He should be ashamed for being such an arse.

Your choice OP but I couldn't be with someone like this.

Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable talking about this in real life? For instance, what would your close friends or Mum / sister advise you to do if you told them about last night or the previous ‘jokes’ he did? Do you think they’d be shocked or advise you to end the relationship?

None of these things are ok but IMO the 2 previous ones do not sit right with me at all and I think they are thw worst. Is he the type of man to pay for sex? Its not even funny and throwing your jeans? I would of hit the roof.

The most recent events if it was just the once I could forgive but since theres other things before this. Leave him OP.

You are with a really ugly vile abusive pig who has sexually assaulted you multiple times.

He sexually assaulted you last night.

YOU are reassuring him its ok to sexually assaulted you.

This is so so sad.

You poor woman.

Your gut is absolutely SCREAMING at you trying to get you to wake up and see what is going on.

These threads are utterly heartbreaking to read.

What is the world coming to?

@Panickingatthepicnic I’ve been with my DH 26 years (still in my 40s so still having lots of sex) and I swear to god if he started to do what your bf did to you last night or even the times prior I’d be filing for divorce in the morning.

This is not okay OP and it’ll only get worse. He doesn’t respect you, he thinks you’re trash and is able to tell you this but say ‘joke’ afterwards so that you’re confused and you stay, and the cycle continues.

Get rid. You’re not trash. He certainly is.

Only a man would say this.

You start by saying

’I’m leaving you’

@Panickingatthepicnic it doesn't matter how excited he is. You need to consent. You can withdraw that consent at any point. You choose what happens to your body. It's all about consent. Sex without consent is rape or SA depending on what type of sex it is.

Oh op I’m so sorry x

I out another reply saying I missed the second part . She should leave him if this has appended more than once

If he forced his penis into your mouth without your consent then legally speaking it's rape

Stop reassuring him. Tell him straight that you didn't like what he did 1) because it wasn't respectful and 2) b cause you have been sexually assaulted in the past. Also tell him that his reaction in going out is what made you annoyed and quiet afterwards and that wasn't an ideal way to handle it.