Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

[Panickingatthepicnic]

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

He’s testing boundaries. Enforce some. I don’t think you should stay with him because these are all alarming early signs of abuse.

Dump him. This is SA. You said no and he carried on. You didn't consent. He's also manipulating you. He leaves do you feel confused, vulnerable and question yourself. Kindly, @Panickingatthepicnic I think you need some support. I think therapy and the freedom programme might benefit you. People often go from one abusive relationship to another. Predators can spot vulnerability a mile off.

Me too. Time to throw this one back @Panickingatthepicnic.

Please leave. He is showing you who he is, you need to see those red flags and run. Do not marry him or have his baby. Leave now. The examples you have given are awful!!

That's a porn move. He's watching porn.

Youve describe 3 sexual incidents that are violations of trust and disrespect , this isn't an isolated incident its a pattern of behaviour.
The incident of not accepting No,means no is very concerning ,he sexually assaulted you after you said no when you were sick. You seem desensitised to this.
Him saying it was a joke is gaslighting to make you feel like you are the problem.
All worrying for you and will probably exacerbate over time .
Either tell him honestly if theres a repeat of any of those types of degrodation ever again its over or just leave now.

Stop reassuring him. He’s done a shitty thing and he needs to sit with his feelings on that. If he has any feelings on it (other than being annoyed you stopped) as his propensity for all those “jokes” makes me think he lacks any finer feelings at all.

STOP reassuring him!! Instead say calmly and forcefully ‘about last night, I can see you know it was wrong. It was unacceptable. What I want from you instead of sorry sorry sorry is assurance that you won’t ever keep going when I’m saying no or force me- last night was forcing but you’ve also kept going when I say no, and I’ve been thinking. If that ever happens again then we are finished, that’s my assurance to you. I will not be sexually assaulted by my partner.

Why are you reassuring him? You are making it seem that you are the one at fault - not him. This is obviously not a one off and is a real red flag. You deserve better.

I can imagine someone making the £10 joke if a note fell out of their pocket but it might be more like “oh, that’s for you - joke” rather than physically throwing it at you? And it wouldn’t be especially funny even then since it’s still a joke implying you’re a prostitute. I can’t imagine my DH making this joke tbh, and we can be a bit “sick” in our sense of humour.

@Panickingatthepicnic if he does it again bite and bite hard. Angle your mouth a bit to get the molars involved as well. It is not ok. It is not acceptable. If he will not stop you are allowed to protect yourself. After he screams and goes off about being bitten tell him you'll do it again if the behaviour is repeated.

He is not a nice person. Watch this reel. It is one of the best explanations I've seen for what he's doing
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/18U8g6KK42/

Next time we have sex I would jokingly stick a cucumber in his mouth and let him choke for a little while. After that I would drop the whole thing, treat it as a joke and run to the pub with my girlfriend, refuse to talk about it or just treat is as a joke.

He may or may not get the picture but it doesn't matter because it would be the last time I have sex with him.

My instant reaction was to just reassure him I don’t know why, he was immediately saying sorry and that he didn’t like it and then was being really apologetic so I just said it’s fine, you were joking, it didn’t feel that bad when he was sitting with me. But when he went out I was like wtf just happened.

And he did seem sorry but why even do it in the first place. He did stop when I tapped his leg and was immediately like I shouldn’t have done that.

I can’t explain the moment properly either. We weren’t having sex, we were messing around. It was lighthearted, it wasn’t like we were in the middle of sex and he just got overexcited

This guy secretly gets off degrading his sex partner, I would take a look at his porn and see what he's watching, it might surprise you.

Anyone else think the way this is written sounds very like the other thread this morning about throwing up during oral? I have no idea what’s real and what’s not anymore.

You will have something like this again.
He will push boundaries again.
You will twist yourself in knots to make sense of it.
You will take it as his 'joke' behaviour. 😬

He is a selfish lover.
He is not a nice guy.
Do not get married to him.
Do not have kids to him.

You cannot change a selfish man. 🫩

But you can leave him behind.
LTB 👋
As it will only get worse.

Edited to say, I hope you're okay 💐
@Panickingatthepicnic

Unfortunately this is my experience. OP, this man enjoys degrading you, has assaulted you, then manipulates you to think you are at fault. This is abusive behaviour, please look into getting some professional support, you deserve better than this.

And he did seem sorry but why even do it in the first place. He did stop when I tapped his leg and was immediately like I shouldn’t have done that

Because he's not a nice person. Stop looking for answers as you will never get any

And he did seem sorry but why even do it in the first place. He did stop when I tapped his leg and was immediately like I shouldn’t have done that.

I can’t explain the moment properly either. We weren’t having sex, we were messing around. It was lighthearted, it wasn’t like we were in the middle of sex and he just got overexcited @Panickingatthepicnic

He was testing you to see what he could get away with.
Like others have said, this is the real him and it will escalate until it's normal.

He is also emotionally abusing you by making himself the victim.

This needs repeating:
You don't need to make him feel better. It's not your job to help the man feel better about his actions against you.

Why are you reassuring him that everything is fine?it's not fine.

His mask keeps slipping.

He's had three chances. Enough for you to know his reality which isn't pretty. I'd have ended it after he forced himself on you to commit a sex act you didn't want because you were too sick to engage and then threw your jeans at you. @Panickingatthepicnic read that back and tell me what is loving, gentle and consensual about his approach to love making.

Reverse your thought process, if I am right about your self confidence. He is not good enough for you, not by a long way. You are far too good for him. It is not the other way round.

End it. It will get worse.

LTB

He doesn’t respect you. After 2yrs his mask is slipping. Speak to anyone in a loving and respectful relationship and I bet their partner has never thrown money at them after sex and made a crude comment about your services.

He’s pushing your boundaries to see what you’ll accept. Personally, I’d leave before things get worse.

He’s disgusting. Forcing oral sec on you when you clearly said no is not ok.

How dare he feel butt hurt the fucking knob. Not your fault

What a weird prick he sounds. He’s giving me the ick. I’d dump him OP