Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

[Panickingatthepicnic]

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

I think you know this isn't right or you wouldn't be asking.

Two things stick out for me. Firstly the behaviour I would describe as abusive, so pushing your head down as you're choking, he knew you were choking by the way, how could he not? And other behaviours like not stopping when you ask him to and the money. All of that is abusive in my opinion.

But then the "opposite" site you describe where he's almost overly considerate.

"he always asks “are you ok?” If I move or anything"

This isn't normal either OP. It's over the top. Like he is trying to control behaviour and compensate. Then his actions when he has gone too far are to withdraw.

I am sensemaking all of this of course but we do that as women as we are not normally able to physically protect ourselves. I think he knows that he has the capacity to really hurt and doesn't feel great about it but that does not mean he deserves your sympathy nor your apologies. You've done nothing wrong.

This is what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

Passion for sure but asking someone to stop leads to them stopping immediately. You don't have that OP.

You have someone who you're not sure will stop what they're doing if you ask them to. That's enough of a red flag to stop this relationship now.

For those alluding to porn. Yes the old "choking on the cock" thing is often in there and much as I don't like it, I'd say all men and a lot of women have seen scenes like that from time to time and either get better porn or recognise it's not something they'd act out in real life. That's not an excuse.

I don't think I'd feel the same about him after the £10 or throwing the jeans incidents. Not nice behaviour at all.

PS: any of those things actually

OP he sounds like a manipulative creep. Trust your gut feelings and stop "reassuring him". Personally I would dump someone like this.

I’m guessing he watches a fair bit of porn. Choking someone with their penis seems to be a popular sex act.

Fine if you’re into it, if you’re not fine then it’s appalling, and def not something he should force on you. He sounds awful op.

He's pushing your limits then manipulating you to reassure him .

He has sexually assaulted you at least twice. And belittles and demeans you. And he’s manipulated you into believing you have to make him feel better about doing these things to you.

The whole dynamic is abusive and will only escalate. Get out now while you can.

Stop reassuring him. There is nothing to reassure him about. There is a pattern of behaviour here and him 'going quiet' is manipulative. He has sexually assaulted you more than once. Get rid of him.

He has shown three times that he doesn’t respect you or understand what you have been through. Don’t put up with it. He is only being mardy because you called him out. He is emotionally manipulating you

You don’t need to reassure him. That undermines his understanding that what he did was wrong.

‘You shouldn’t have done that, but it’s ok’, is a very conflicted message.

He shouldn’t have done it. It isn’t ok.

It is manipulative of him to make you apologise and work to be forgiven for something that he did wrong.

He did an abusive thing that scared you. He then got you to apologise for being upset by it. Not ok.

He did something wrong, here you are upset still. Still trying to reassure him that you are still his loving doormat who doesn’t really mind if he abuses you.
He may not understand his own behaviour- many people don’t- but his underlying belief is that he is not responsible for what he does, it is the fault of the other person for caring.

.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex.

But that's not true is it.
Come on, op, do the lie to yourself.
You have been sexually assaulted and humiliated more by this joker in two years than I have with my husband who I've been with gor nearly 36 years ( for context dh has never sexualy assaulted or humiliated me ever)

Even bad men can do some loving things from time to time.

Dont fool yourself that he is good. Throwing money at you is designed to make you feel cheap. That is a particularly nasty thing for a 'loving' partner to do.

Think carefully about how your future life with him would look like.
My guess is not particularly pleasant.

He’s sexually assaulted you before. That time when he didn’t stop? He assaulted you.

Please, please leave this abuser as soon as you are safe to do so.

There is nothing funny about what he did. It’s sexual assault and it’ll likely keep getting worse. Just because he isn’t usually like this doesn’t mean anything. That’s classic abuser language. “He isn’t usually like this”, “he said he was joking” etc. That paired with the fact you feel you had to apologise for his behaviour is bizarre and worrying. Added to the fact he’s quiet with you and moody. Leave him.

Why are you continually reassuring him? Is it your role in the relationship to prevent him from having to deal with the consequences of his own behaviour?

I'm sorry you're so upset OP. Unfortunately it looks like his mask is slipping. It looks like these are his tastes and preferences and he's just pretending to be the partner you want him to be. Please, please, stop reassuring him. This behaviour is a massive red flag and he should be concerned about his own behaviour. There is something really weird about the going out thing. It's a very strange move.

He’s disgusting and you should end this now OP. It will only get worse.

That is not ok, especially when you mention the other incidents as well.

You didn’t want him going down on you and he carried on regardless without your consent ?
no my friend , he is disgusting and that is sexual assault.
he will not get better if anything he will keep pushing and escalate ,
get away from him and keep your life safe

This man is horrible. You can do souch better than this OP. Bin him off.

A lot of wise words you're being given here Op from women with so much experience.

I couldn't understand how my exP could make me laugh so much, smell so nice, have a lovely smile, wonderful sex and yet he was a horrible, abusive man behind the charm, there were small signs which just confused me.
He's giving you glimpses of who he is, please leave and focus on your self worth.

^THIS 100%
Dear god, he’s disgusting and disrespectful, why on earth are you with him?

This. It was sexual assault and appalling behaviour. Manipulative with it. Previous stuff also assault/manipulative.

LTB

Yeah considering your sexual assault history I really don't think this type of guy is what you need in your life.

Many women here, looking at this from the outside and some with long experience of relationships are telling you to get out over these warning signs. I appreciate that not everyone will end their relationship at the first point of asking others on a forum ‘is this okay?’. From here OP, as you work through this, try to find your own autonomy and value yourself. He needs to know that this behaviour is not okay. I think if you dig deep you will find other examples of where he is pushing for control you describe him as being selfish and expectant of you too? The first change you can make is to push back on ‘jokes’. Tell him ‘it’s only a joke if it’s funny, no-one would think that was funny’, do not avoid a row on it, put him on the back foot and ask him to explain how it was funny. He uses this play of calling it a joke to underplay his behaviour and to make you doubt yourself he may well splutter something out but keep your calm, observe him, let him explain himself and stand firm, don’t reassure. He knows what he is doing - call him out on it, learn not to be a people pleaser in your relationship in order to keep the peace.

I got my DP to do it with a dildo so he could see what it was like (consenting obvs didn’t make him)

Does he know you’ve experienced SA in the past? I personally think men use this as a weapon when they know about it so I would never tell them