Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

[Panickingatthepicnic]

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

He choked you without your consent. He blocked your airway. He didn't let you lift your head when you couldn't breath. He had no concern for you. Then he had the nerve to fucking sulk about it. You reassuring him is a fawning reaction.

Given that it's not the first time he's been weird about sex by treating you like a prostitute and not listening to your no, which shows he's got issues around consent, I'd say choking you without even asking for consent is a big third strike and he'd be out. This by itself would be enough for me to call it done.

Are you for real? I have a jokey sexualised relationship with my husband. Very close to the bone, one which many women on Mumsnet or not, would be uncomfortable with.

But this man, despite being told no continued to perform a sex act on the OP. DESPITE BEING TOLD NO. It matters not, that he may be otherwise loving, he sexually assaulted her after she said no.

We can all see it differently, we weren't there. OP has said:

'He did stop when I tapped his leg and was immediately like I shouldn’t have done that.'

Only she can judge his reactions & whether it was a misjudgement or an abuse.

He has sexually assaulted you twice - oral sex which you didn’t consent to: once him on you and once you on him. Stop reassuring him and run for the hills.

When you panicked and couldn't breathe and tried to move your head...he knew you wanted it to stop but didn't...he already knew he shouldn't have done it and it took you having to tap out for him to stop

I think that quite a lot of people are quite reluctant to label their partners as bad in any way because by that admission you're admitting your own fault in having chosen them. The fact she's here asking the questions suggests that something in her gut is saying "this is wrong" even if she's trying to fight against it.

Listen to your gut OP. Please. I'm worried about you.

But he IS like that. You gave two other examples in your post.

If the blowjob incident was the only time he’d done something you didn’t like and he immediately stopped and apologised, I’d say that wasn’t a big deal, but as he also previously sexually assaulted you while you were unwell and threw your jeans at you, and also threw a tenner at you to imply prostitution, I’d say it’s not a one-off. It’s a pattern.

So true.

The twisting of the story is significant as, over time, you’ll learn that rejecting whatever type of sex he wants results in a withdrawal of affection.

Bad guys never start that way, they’re the ideal responsive partner till you’re really invested and then things slide. But you’re reassuring him because you think you can get back to the honeymoon stage at the beginning of the relationship. You won’t.

No, read the full post. Not just the blow job part.

‘I kept saying I didn't want to but he did it anyway’

On what planet must a woman like you be to think that is acceptable? If you ‘had to be there’ as you keep claiming then no rapes or sexual assaults would ever come to court would they? Because the jury, prosecution and everybody else ‘would have to be there’, wouldn’t they?

It's literally there in the OP:

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway

OP is clearly describing a sexual assault. Why are you trying to minimise it as a 'communication problem' or error of judgement?

How many other women may be reading this, having gone through something similar, and off the back of your post start questioning themselves and whether maybe he just 'didn't understand' when she kept saying no?

No means no.

There are so many red flags in the OP - the degrading 'jokes', forcing a sex act on her when she said she didn't want it, pushing her boundaries, manipulating her into apologising to him for the impact of his behaviour.

This is not an "otherwise gentle, loving relationship". This is an abuser who has started to get comfortable in the relationship two years in and is escalating the abusive behaviour. OP is the frog in the pot of hot water and he has just turned the gas up.

also, he’s either seeing prostitutes or wants to. My bet is that he sees them on these quick drinks with his mates. Not every time - maybe 1 out of 5 - so you can go stalk and he’s there drinking like he said…but sometimes.
He is literally telling you what he is into - treating women like they’re worthless (his idea of what prositutes are). He literally chucked money at you for fucks sake.

Yep. He's telling on himself loud and clear.

The signs are all there if you open your eyes.

This more measured response is far more balanced. Thanks.

Don't twist my words. Don't do that shit. This is in no way an endorsement of any woman who has experienced sexual assault. Your reference to prosecutions is intentionally inflammatory, I've clearly stated that only OP (no-one else- not posters on this thread, or any jury or judge in the land - can decide what SHE feels happens. Many, many judges & juries have got it wrong & women have had to realise it's only themselves who can judge what happened).

What it is is offering a different view. The OP herself has expressed more than once that they have a loving & gentle relationship, these are not my words. She may well be the boiling frog- I hope to God she's not- but it's acceptable to present a different point of view. I'm old and have experienced much of life, & do think the BJ & the money COULD be miscommunication or misjudgement (maybe not, but could); the previous oral sex is not okay.

Don’t make a massive issue of this . He tried something you said no he apologised and respected the no . I don’t see why it needs to be a issue . Maybe speak about it ? Or do you feel intimidated now?

SHe tried to move her head but he didn't let her until she tapped out.

She couldn't breathe.

He didn't ask if he could stick his dick so far into her mouth she couldn't breathe.

The massive issues here are lack of consent, not recognizing she was not just non consenting but having a physical problem, and choking her. And when she told him she didn't like that, he said sorry and went out. He's the type to say sorry after rather than get consent first. And he's assaulted her previously.

He doesn't respect her and her no.

I think it is a massive issue if someone is prioritising their own pleasure over your ability to breathe. You don't seriously think he didn't know she couldn't breathe do you? Imagine how obvious it would have been.

Too much porn. This is common place and acceptable in porn sadly. Let him know clearly that you are not a porn star

Plenty of people watch porn and can recognise the difference between fantasy and reality.

This is far more than "just a bit too much porn" and to claim that's all it is somewhat minimises it.

As I have just posted on another thread, sexual offenders rarely offend just once. As you have seen, it's a pattern of entitlement.

It's so sad to say this is very true.

What the fuck? Are you serious?

The context of this is that he has already sexually assaulted her at last once before.

Of course she feels intimidated by him. That is why she is fawning and trying to manage his emotions, rather than telling him to fuck right off.

The bit you quoted here is actually one of the most damning to me.

His contrition was immediate because he suddenly realised he wasn’t in one of his porn videos where the girls pretend to like that shit.

But in the meantime he STOPPED HER FROM BREATHING.

According to OP this wasn’t a moment in which he was so carried away that it would be understandable.

But what if it had been such a moment? Would tapping him on the leg have been enough?

Leave this man

he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep.

And he wanted her to have sex with him after he got back from his drink. Not having sex was her making things "weird" after he choked her.

Would a decent guy be approaching his partner for sex soon after he had done something sexually that had caused his partner to panic because they couldn't breathe? Of course not. In fact, would a decent guy leave soon after they had choked their partner who panicked instead of staying and making sure she was ok and not pushing for sex? And be making an atmosphere so OP feels like she has to fawn? This is bad. Coupled with the previous non consensual oral sex and that he threw money at her, he's got a sexually abusive side to him that she can't ignore.

Also, always follow up with anyone who tries the “it was a joke” defence to ask them to explain the joke. Don’t let them shrug it off.

Once they’ve explained that e.g. the joke is it’s like you’re a prostitute and they’re a punter, ask them why that is funny. Once they’ve provided some crap explanation for that, dig in further.

Repeat until they are forced to admit that it’s not funny at all and then ask them why they said it was a joke then?

I would be particularly interested in his explanation of how the choking was a “joke”.