Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

[Panickingatthepicnic]

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

You probably are a bit hyper vigilant because of what’s happened to you in the past but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.

This as a one off would not have been an issue for me.
We all do things that we think are funny but someone else doesn’t and he immediately stopped and apologised.

But I would not be constantly reassuring him and it’s concerning that you’ve had a couple of other things happen.

Honestly, I do not think you can be with this man.

I don’t think it really matters whether his behaviour was inappropriate or if you were being over sensitive, there is obviously just a mismatch between you and this isn’t something that will go away.

Seriously. Dump him.

This. ⬆️
He’s absolutely vile.
Don’t keep reassuring him. He should be reassuring you and making sure that you’re okay which you’re obviously not.
He’s going to take it further every time. Like a pp mentioned before, he’s training you!
Hes a selfish prick who doesn’t really care about your feelings.
Neither does he respect you.
I’d be ending this one sided farce of a relationship.

This as a one off would not have been an issue for me.
We all do things that we think are funny but someone else doesn’t and he immediately stopped and apologised.

The behaviour he did there wasn't a one off though. The intensity is already increasing, from not listening when she had previously said no, throwing money at her for a 'joke' to this.

DUMP HIM

‘I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway’.

OP, what would those words mean to you, if for example, your friend said them to you? That a man had tried to insert himself into her and she said, to you, ‘I said no, but he did it anyway’.

What would you tell your friend? You wouldn’t tel her it was a joke would you? What words would you use?

You’ve only been with him two years - think about it, the first 6 months he’s love bombing, from then til now he’s been sloooowly normalising bad behaviour.

also, he’s either seeing prostitutes or wants to. My bet is that he sees them on these quick drinks with his mates. Not every time - maybe 1 out of 5 - so you can go stalk and he’s there drinking like he said…but sometimes.

He is literally telling you what he is into - treating women like they’re worthless (his idea of what prositutes are). He literally chucked money at you for fucks sake.

anyway, if you’re questioning whether he’s abusive he’s already told you that too. He believes he is the victim for you being hurt by him.

how many times has he done something hurtful and then blamed you for ‘starting an argument’ when you reacted to his hurtful behaviour?

it will not get better, it WILL get worse. This is not restricted to some isolated bedroom incidents (which frankly, are gross - and yeah I think lots of men, mainly when they’re inexperienced teenagers, have tried misguidedly to ‘push’ woman’s head down because they’ve seen it in porn but in a normal functioning male it wouldn’t be hard, or aggressive, and CERTAINLY not cover their mouth or nose, and the moment the women said stop they’d cringe at themselves and apologise - not defending it, just trying to show you just HOW wrong your “partner’” behaviour is).

Throwing money at you after the deed is disgusting. Forcing you into a sex act against your will is cause for concern! He has no respect for you at all!

This.

Aside from the sexual assaults, which have been well dealt with by others here, your relationship sounds as if there is a strange power dynamic. If he does something wrong, it is up to him to fix it, to re-establish trust, to be open about his own feelings and to be curious about yours. It is not your responsibility to fix things for him - because you can't.

You need to be able to have open, non-defensive conversations about what's going on. What's making him behave like this? Because it's looking like a pattern of behaviour, isn't it. If he can't have those conversations but reacts like a child whose been caught nicking sweeties, then you need to examine the dynamics of the relationship

I wasn't there, none of us can know the atmosphere, but I have done exactly that as a joke - a note lying around & put it in the waistband of DP's boxers & said 'For services rendered'. It was funny.

OP, I think the LTB comments are quite extreme. It COULD be that these few incidents are miscommunication/ misjudged/ stupid in the moment. If you have an otherwise loving, gentle relationship it seems unlikely he has a 'mask that is slipping '- possible of course, but not clear if he is as lovely as you say usually.

I'm not minimising here, just offering another perspective. A few years into our relationship, a weird, awkward, strange incident happened in the bedroom. Like you, I immediately reacted & placed a boundary. Next day we talked & sorted out the misjudgement. We have a wonderful, loving relationship of 16 years. Sometimes it's a bump & can be sorted out.

That's an awful thing to do.
And his reaction afterwards is even worse.
He left you to go the pub? Then acted as if he was the one who should be upset?
You absolutely shouldn't have reassured him it's ok. It's not ok. I'd tell him this now, that I was wrong to say it's ok. Don't you dare do that or any thing similar ever again.

What a ridiculous and potentially dangerous and harmful post.

Him forcing oral sex on her after she's repeatedly said no, is not a 'bump'. It's a clear cut sexual assault and is criminal.

Harvey Weinstein went down on his victims against their consent. That should tell you every thing you need to know OP about your boyfriends view of consent.

I think that sadly many women have any idea of what kind of pornography their partners watch, and what they’d actually like to do sexually if there were no consequences to their actions.

Im so sorry he did this to you ❤️love or not I hope you find the courage to finish the relationship.

Everything about him as a red flag OP - you need to leave!

He pushes you when you don't want it, never listens, walks out during conflict, feels that need to ask if your ok during intimacy which suggests he KNOWS he's doing things he shouldn't but is hoping you'll just go along with it anyway.

Also laughing at you while you're about to give him oral is also disgusting on top of everything else he's done - he shouldn't be laughing at you during intimacy

This!!!
it’s abusive and nasty
I’d have told him to use the £10 to get a taxi and go!

Honestly, the language here is inflammatory- it's an OPINION, it's not harmful to have an opinion. I'm not in the OP's life telling her what to do against he'd better judgement (that would be harmful).

You weren't there, OP has not said she 'repeatedly said no'. I agree that would then be abusive, but crucially she hasn't said this.

This place id so full of instant reaction to LTB, sometimes it's good to have balance that may make someone think about if what happened can be discussed in an otherwise loving relationship.

That call is OPs.

You are in an abusive relationship and don’t seem to realise it op? I would suggest having some counselling with someone who specialises in domestic abuse and speaking to womens aid. Oh and definitely splitting up with this aw man! Being sexually assaulted makes us vulnerable to putting up with domestic abuse - women’s aid and explain it better

Sorry that this has happened to you.

I expected as I read your post further, to hear other things that he has done, and you did then go on to say more.
This recent incident is another example of what he is capable of. He can keep doing things, because he knows he can get away with it.

Agree with several other comments, that it is not your job to reassure him and make him feel better, it’s his job.

You are not imagining things or over exaggerating. And putting the term ‘a joke’ on things is just to cover over how bad the behaviour is.

I don’t agree with the therapy part. I think there are certain things you can’t go back from.

You need to think about yourself and look at getting out of this situation.

Eughh what kind of jokes do you make.

You aren’t overthinking it at all. If my partner did this I’d have bitten down on him and see how he likes that. Also the fact that you feel you have to reassure him is very gaslighty on his part. Does he know you’ve been sexually assaulted in the past?? If so then he’s a proper wanker. Please don’t feel bad you’re right to be weirded out.

I wouldn’t advise this, as this guy seems like he could do anything. And it might put OP in more danger. No doubt at all he deserves it. But we are then getting on to talking about ways to ‘manage’ abuse. Which the only way to deal with that is get rid.

There is one simple rule. You don’t not have to participate in any sexual act that you do not want to and you don't have to apologise or try to soothe his ego for not participating.
if he had thrown a £10 note at me I would have made sure that he wasn’t up to having sex for a while……

Op. Imagine if everything you'd written here had been said by a friend about her relationship, what would you advise?

I wonder if he is slowly eroding your boundaries ie checking out things and then pushing to see if you will give in ☹️

Personally, I would try to finish this.

He may be withdrawn because he is not get his own way.