To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

I agree. I feel very sorry for those children. They are being treated like an inconvenience

Me too.

I don’t think it’s right to do so if you really want my honest opinion. I think it’s one chance to play happy facilities.

But I would hold that against the two people who remarried, not the step parents who married in, if that makes sense. Not because I don’t think step parents shouldn’t be kind and loving to their DSC - they should - but I don’t hold their existence against them.

If I’d remarried and had more kids my two would be in the sad position of being the two people going back and forth between two families, made up of people who get to stay put and live with both parents. My exh certainly wasn’t going to give up having a second bite of that cherry!

Haven’t voted as I think it’s a bit “six of one”

This is the bit I don’t get! Why was the schedule in place before being discussed?

If it was previously agreed, is she wanting to change it or did she not get the chance to agree it?

If she’s asking for a change, why doesn’t this trigger a swap? Or can’t you say “that is fine but we need to swap it for y weekend”?

So why can’t she go away with her 3 kids

or choose a weekend she doesn’t have them and with you

they are old enough to know they do every otter weekend so it’s pretty shit for them to do 3 in a row with you knowing their mum don’t want to see them on their weekend

it would be a def no from me and say to her she needs to go away th weekend before or after aka her weekend

Well you’re lying somewhere - you said her message back to your husband was “I’ll let you have Mother’s Day this year” and in your next breath say you’ve had the children for 3 years in a row. You sound awful, btw.

I never consciously plan anything with Mother’s Day in mind. I barely know it’s coming until it’s almost upon us and then subtly remind my kids, sometimes we’re together , sometimes they’re with their dad, sometimes with their friends.
I love having my kids for Mother’s Day and making it an occasion we share but I’m equally happy to have it without them and chill and do my own thing.
This feels like a thread designed to slag off do’s ex tbf

Tbh when I do the our schedule (which I give exh time to consider!) I often forget to check mothers and fathers days.

Mainly because I can’t bring myself to care much about them.

Just to add to my above post - the fact that I chose to remain single is not a complain or something I I consider a “sacrifice” or feel “oh woe is me”. I’m very happy!

I was away for mothers day this year. It wasnt planned that way, but I (and the other mum in the group) thoroughly enjoyed a few cocktails and a lie in. We both declared that was far more a mothers day treat that a "family day out" type venue- I find that weirder!

Do people even know the date of the next Mother’s Day? I’d not give a hoot.

She probably doesn't even realise. Mother's day is just not important to some people (me included), and I usually only notice when it is once the stuff is for sale in supermarkets.

The OP has been offered her DSC for Mother's Day as if it's a treat . But she is not their mother . You could say no . The Ex also has 10 months to plan for her own DC although I think it's mean that her DH is not treating his SC as his own and only taking his DC . And she is worse for allowing it .

Dear god, we are talking about children! People arguing over who has to take them on a weekend. No wonder the kids get upset. Take it as a blessing that you have them for extra time- your husband has extra time with the kids he chose to father!

You marry someone with kids, you accept them as your own. You don’t want Step children disrupting your Mother’s Day then don’t have a blended family.

Tbf the OP isn’t treating the step children as her own either.

Both parents have children with current partners and nobody seems to bother about the others. If their mother only has them for benefits and maintenance and their father sees them as an inconvenience then that’s pretty shit for them

Oh goodness I must be a terrible mum because my best mother’s days are when I’m at work even when that is a 14hr shift. I love the break from being a mum. This year I was at home for Mother’s Day as it didn’t fall on my working weekend and I’m not gunna lie part of me was gutted 🙈🤣 not because I don’t live my children but because it wasn’t a rest mentally or physically.

Shes given a year notice which is more than some get. I am a mum and also a step mum and I personally would see it as extra special as you all your children with you whether biological or bonus ones you are a blended family and this is all part and parcel of it

You could just tell her you can't accommodate that weekend as, for once, you've already made plans.

Is Mother's Day a huge deal for you, and is it a huge deal to do it on the day that that's designated? I tend to find that things like eating out are a complete pain and it's better to go the weekend before or after, but I know the actual date is important for some.

Why has your DH let her be the main carer? It doesn't sound like it's in his kids best interests when she seems focused on her new family to their detriment.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta . Love the username btw . For the purpose of Mother Day the OP shouldn't have to treat them as her own . They don't even want to either . They have a mother and it's not OP fault . This is extra time request at a time that the OP wants to keep free.

So she's doing it for benefit and maintenance reasons, but you find more than every other weekend and half the hols an inconvenience? Doesn't sound like she had much choice in the matter.

I do think it's sad for the kids that their Mum is ok with only going away with one of her children if it was supposed to be her weekend with them, but that doesn't seem to be your issue here. Plus you're their step mother, why can't you all have a lovely time together? Sounds like none of you can be bothered with them.

And as for your break, that's your husbands job. The ex has a child roughly the same age as yours so she doesn't get a break either (unless her partner helps out) so you're no different (except she has 2 older kids too most of the time), and it's not her fault your husband doesn't give you time to yourself - but you should have expected that given the arrangements with his older children.

Things will only be properly fair if you go 50/50, which you're clearly not willing to do if you don't even want them there on special days. And they can miss one class on the Sunday, surely. Lots of families have plans that day.

Jesus fucking Christ.

How is OP the villain in this and not their actual mother?

Say no and stick to it!

@InkyB I can see both sides of this to be honest. I would 100% say you were not being unreasonable if your concern on here was entirely for your DSC being upset that their DM is dumping them and taking only their half sibling away.

But although you have mentioned it, it doesn't appear to be the main reason why you are complaining - which is why you are getting a bit of a hard time on here.

Your DH needs to sort this. It's a request from his Ex with plenty of notice (albeit it she's being selfish in terms of her older children). I would suggest that at the very least your DH makes it clear that if he has the children on any of HER weekends, she then needs to change the Weekendefore or after so that she has them on what should have been HIS weekend.

You, yourself, need to also accept that your DH does have other children who he is also responsible for and he sounds like he does care about them. You say in your posts, that he has them EOW and one midweek evening and half of all holidays? So assuming they come to you Friday night until Sunday evening that is only 4/14 nights, but he wants the opportunity to have them more often if he gets the chance. It's not unreasonable of him either.

Mother's day is really NOT a big deal. You can celebrate your motherhood on any day that you and your DH agree in advance?

His Kids are the ones I am really sorry for. Being made to feel unwanted by you and their Mother.

Thanks - I just had to!

people can argue forever about it being unfair but the children need to know that they are important to their parents rather than the parents arguing about not having them

I’m sorry but this is unacceptable. It’s mother’s day for you also and just because your step children will be there doesn’t mean that your children can not celebrate it with you and show him his appreciation same as your husband. My step son gets new card for mother day and when it’s fallen on our weekend doesn’t mean as a family we don’t celebrate it because I am I mum. I wouldn’t be happy because they are there that Mother’s Day for you isn’t celebrated. If that’s the case then your husband needs to be saying no. I don’t see this as an ex problem I see it as a husband problem and possible issues within your blended family and may need to be addressed to make some positive changes x

I’d raise an eyebrow but honestly it’s not a big deal to me, or some people I know or possibly her

it’s def not unreasonable for you to want some kind of break and/or treat but I’d be fine with the actual date or that being moved

OP, couldn't your DH do the rushing about of taking your DSC to their clubs on that day, while you do something lovely (that DH has arranged and paid for) with your DD?

March the 7th, very easy to find the date.