To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

Not weird at all. I'm going out for the day this year (we're in the States so it's May) with a friend, my husband is working, our kids (teenagers) will do their own thing. It's a non-event.

This. Fgs.

You said she only wants her children majority of the time for benefits / maintenance. Sorry but I think your wrong aswel as out of order for saying it.. shes their mum and loves them to death which is the reason she wants to be the primary carer.
You took on a man who has children with someone else, its not an easy thing to do. If your struggling with that you need to tell your partner (the father of the kids) to step up.

Sounds like both mothers only want the new child- sadly it’s a tale as old as time

cant You just do something another weekend ?

Teachers being famously keen to get involved in the specificities of the kids’ separated parents custody arrangements.

This

so glad I didn’t remarry and have more kids

That’s plan B!

You don’t want to spend mother’s day looking after your step children because they will refuse to celebrate the day. seems fair to me. why should you forgo mothers day so that the ex can have a childfree weekend?

It's not really a big deal, it's just mothers day. I do mark the occasion but I'm not sure I'd even think to check when booking a trip or holiday.

None of the children here have two mothers.

I’m more than happy to have DSC on any other weekends. We regularly have more time than is agreed. If they wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day with me I’d be very happy to include them. They don’t!

My understanding of Mother’s Day when I grew up was that you get to spend the day without the kids doing some pampering, and that’s what I’ve always done. It’s wonderful. I spend every day with my kids so a day off doing something for myself on mother’s day seems much more appropriate.

Absolutely.

OP you will never win as a SM on Mumsnet.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances, SC will always be seen as ‘victims’ and you must always put the wants and needs of you and your ‘shiny new child(ren)’ last.

Not everyone is bothered by Mother’s Day. I don’t bother with any of the hallmark holidays.

she’s given you a year’s notice 🤷‍♀️

In our family mother's/father's days are for young primary kids. Beyond that we don't celebrate at all.

Apart from that it's really none of your business how she spends her free time.

They don’t just have one parent - poor kids yet again.

Just bump Mother’s Day to the next weekend and tell DH you will expect out to be extra special to thank you for being so accommodating. No biggie.

Honestly I think it's odd that you are thinking about this in terms of how rubbish it is for you.

Obviously your feelings matter, but I think most people would prioritise the feelings of children who are likely to be hurt that they are not being treated as a full part of their mum's new family (especially as they have had no choice in becoming part of two blended families with half siblings on both sides... that's a lot to deal with even if you're not being left out of special occasions and/or trips).

I feel really sad for the kids, it must be awful to see your mum choose to spend Mother's Day with just your half sibling.

In your shoes I'd celebrate the weekend before.

Personally you are coming across like you resent your step children because they interfere with your family life.

I do think it’s a bit fucking weird to spend Mother’s Day with one of your three offspring and not the others. Yes.

Obviously she (and you) will sometimes do things without your DSC but a holiday over Mother’s Day without them is odd.

That said, I also find it strange that you have your (collective your) respective contact days in place before any discussion has taken place - I get already having the dates in place for academic yr 26/27 but surely there’s a period of “these are my suggestions re dates, do you agree” and discussions before anyone either books a holiday or thinks of a date as “not supposed to be ours”? So surely before a discussion/ period of consideration of suggestions they’re all up for grabs?

You’ll all have to make it work though and most importantly make sure DSC never feel like third wheels / surplus to requirements in either home.

Hopefully both households aren’t just waiting to relieve themselves of DSC before booking holidays for their “little family unit” (not a quote from you but something you see on MN!)

PS - edit - I agree with having a Mother’s Day to celebrate you the week before with your DC (DH obviously facilitates it being nice and you feeling special) as everyone deserves to be centred sometimes.

Just coming to offer some support, OP. Honestly you can’t win on here at times. People twisting what you’re saying to make you out to be the wicked stepmother. I get it.

I’d just say no to the bio mum and keep the weekend for you and your DC.

You don’t have your dsc a lot so you get quite a large break already? I don’t even know when Mother’s Day is next year, maybe she doesn’t either.

Give the clubs a miss, do something with all of the kids & DH takes you all to lunch.

Voila! Problem solved.

Growing up, this was my dynamic, we were ‘inconvenient’.