To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

It’s sad for her children that she chooses to be away from them on Mother’s Day.
It must demonstrate to them how she now favours her youngest, making them feel slightly unwanted or second best.

I could never have regarded it as a treat to be away from any of my children on mother’s day ….when they were young that is.

Doesn’t sound like she will be changing her mind OP. I hope their dad can figure out a way to make it special for you all.
YANBU.

Probably because she appears to resent any extra time the children spend with them

No she doesn’t. She says they usually never say no.

What OP actually wants is one day where her wants are prioritised, not the ex’s.

I get what you’re saying but in the past year we’ve had SC for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, Christmas, Halloween, NY, Valentine’s Day, both of their birthdays (including arranging parties and hosting sleepovers), coincidentally both of our birthdays too. Their mum always has other plans.

We don’t exclude them. Our weekends are usually centred around them. But they don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day at our house, and I do. Surely it’s okay, for one day a year, to say actually that doesn’t work for me?

I think It's awful. So she's remarried and had another child and goes on holiday with her new husband and their child, excluding 2 of her children! Her older kids must feel completely pushed out and rejected and not part of the family.

YANBU to not want to swap weekends, it’s very much your prerogative.

YABU to think it’s weird she’s chosen to not spend Mother’s Day with her kids. Some people aren’t fussed about it. A few years ago my kids happened to spend that weekend with their dad as it was his time with them. My mum kept going on about how sad it was for me. I was thrilled. Night out the night before, long lie in, soak in the bath when I got up. Kids got home at 5 and they gave me cards then. Best Mother’s Day ever now I think about it.

Honestly if DSC were happy to celebrate me on the day, and do Mother’s Day activities, I’d be more than happy to have them here. I love them and would be happy to celebrate Step-Mum Day too!

But they don’t want to, and I respect that and the reasons why.

As I said, pre-DD, if the day fell on our weekend and she declined to swap, we’d spend the day making cards and crafts for their mum. But I don’t want to do that now, because I want DD to experience Mother’s Day like I did as a child.

Poor kids they’re probably aware no one is wants them there.

I think this is just part of being in a blended family. Your DH can look after the older kids and you can have a nice day with your DC.

Hang on a minute, irrespective of OPs issues for sec, the father has got remarried, had another child, goes on holiday with them, excluding 2 of his children and only has them EOW, a Wednesday excet in school holidays, and yet, it’s the mother that you say is pushing the kids out. Not both of them?

Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

He has children to another woman, that sounds horrible!

Touched a nerve?

Not everyone celebrates Mother's Day, for a number of reasons. Clearly it's really important to you and the OP, but your opinion doesn't mean anyone who feels differently is 'warped' or that they are 'dumping their kids'. On their actual father....

No, youve got a years notice. I think you’re choosing to feel put out.

I haven’t got a clue when Mother’s Day is, not even which month despite it being relatively recently. I could easily book a holiday over it without even realising.

Seriously, I can't believe you're making such a fuss over YOU having to be worshiped on this one particular day (which has been plucked out of the air by capitalism and has no other significance). The only people who really value mother's day are adults who are no longer living with their mother. It's a day to visit her and tell her how much they appreciate what she's done for them. It is not a memorable day for a 3-year-old or a 10 or 11-year-old, nor should it be turned into one for them by a needy mother.

Mother's Day changes (date) every year. I would have absolutely no idea when it fell a year in advance! So I doubt it was on purpose.

I don't think kids are that bothered about mother's day but your DSC can still celebrate you, their step mother.

I think it's fine for her to be want to be away on MD. Maybe her kids are young enough that she doesn't get any fuss made of her anyway.

If it's not convenient for you then say you already have plans that weekend.

Eh? It will take Google two seconds to tell you when Mother's Day 2027 is

I have 3 DC’s between 16 and 10 and literally could not give two hoots about Mother’s Day so it wouldn’t be something I would specifically look up when booking a break. You seem very intent on criticising her and painting her as the bad guy generally. If you want to celebrate Mother’s Day (and that is fair enough) say fine we’ll have them but no clubs that day (I mean at that age am sure they can miss an activity unless they are Olympic athletes - you’ll certainly be giving enough notice), book lunch out somewhere and all go. Am sure they are mopey - I certainly was as the child of divorced parents - and a teenager - who got shunted between the two but that is life in a blended family - it’s a lot worse for them than for you,

Mother's day is a lot of commercial pish, so no, I don't think it's weird. Why do you need 1 day of the year to feel validated? Celebrate it the week before if you're that irked.

but why is my enjoyment of Mother’s Day less important than my husband’s ex’s?

Because you chose to marry a man who already has kids with another woman; a woman he is incapable of growing a spine and saying “that doesn’t work for me” to. Surely he showed you this side of himself before you married him?

I only know it’s Mother’s Day when they start putting big posters up in shops reminding people. It wouldn’t enter my head when booking a trip.

I don't give two hoots about Mother's day and don't care if it's spent with my kids or not or whether I get a card/ gift etc. if it were when I could go on holiday with friends (which I do most years) then I'd go.

It’s a shame your step child wrestles your child to the ground preventing them from bringing you breakfast. I assume that is what happens cos otherwise you could presumably continue the tradition as you wish.

Some people really don't celebrate it. Growing up, we never did (average UK family), my mum just wasn't bothered othrt than maybe a cup of tea in bed. We never bought her gifts or planned a meal or even noted the day really, didn't see grandma or send her anything either.
The way you're discussing it, is like it's christmas or something. Celebrate on a different day if you want. Or just do what my mum did and tell everyone that she wanted to be treated kindly, with gratitude and respect, more than once a year!