AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

[OneFunnyPearlTurtle]

My adult son and his girlfriend live together and have happy lives and good jobs. Randomly I get a call from them saying they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones and moving in with us to save money for a deposit to be able to buy their own place. They wouldn’t be able to travel to their current jobs from our house due to longer commutes. They have accumulated their own house full of possessions and pets, they have no children. I was not expecting this at all and am annoyed that they have made a huge decision without discussing it with us first. I feel railroaded into helping them and annoyed that they have made this assumption. My DH has been DS DSD for over half his life has told me no as it is impractical and has left me to have the conversation with them. I want to help them and feel guilty if I consider not helping them, but I have to also consider the huge impact it would have on mine and DH lives. DS has said they will live in the garage and have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent so that they can have maximum opportunities to save. I couldn’t bear to have them in the garage but we don’t have a bedroom for them as DH and I need separate bedrooms for health issues. AIBU to say no to their idea? Do I just ignore it as they might be running through the practicalities of various ideas? Are they being CF by assuming they can disrupt our lives? Am I horrible for not wanting this to happen? They want to pay for storage for their house full of possessions which will eat into a huge chunk of their money. I feel awful for wanting to say no to them but I don’t see how this can work day to day and long term. DS GF has a notoriously troublesome family that have said they can’t wait and will be here visiting all the time and I just don’t want all the disruptions. WWYD?

You need to say no, this doesn't work for you. By ditching their jobs they are basically telling you that they are going to be financially relying on you in addition to them living with you. It's ok to say no, they are the unreasonable ones in this situation.

£50 a week rent? What will that cover??

They're very rude not to have discussed this with you.

I assume they'll be wanting to use the bathroom and kitchen??

Are the pets also moving in?

Personally I'd say no and suggest they rent a studio for a year or two to save.

What you say is " It's great that you want to save for a house. Leaving your jobs is not the way to do it. You won't be able to move in with us. We haven't got enough room."
Perhaps start by selling as much of your stuff as you can and move into somewhere smaller and cheaper like a house share and see how you get on."

This is reasonable and will show them you are not trying to be unhelpful. It will tell you how serious they are about saving.
If you can afford to say that you'll chip in once they've saved the first £10,000.

You need to stand firm and say no as your life will be totally disrupted.

So your son told you this was happening and you just went along with it...how about no?

Just say no . Yanbu. How rude of them to decide this without discussing it with you.

That's really presumptions. I can understand always having a potential home for your own children but not their partners.

Bloody hell, I would offer to gift them whatever I could afford towards a deposit but make clear that moving in with you and pets is not going to work.

There is no way I’d let this happen

You need to say it’s not possible as there’s no room. Which is true!

Tell him as soon as possible so they don’t quit jobs etc

I would be saying no sorry this doesn’t work for us and not to give up their jobs until they have new jobs to go to. What a cheek!

I'm all for supporting young adult kids - I'm not someone who thinks they should stand on their feet from age 18 - but this is crazy! If they ditch their jobs what if they can't find new ones (the jobs market is tricky at the moment) - they won't be able to save any money then! Also it sounds like you just don't have space for them.

Would you be able to give them any money towards the house deposit instead? A lot of young people buying property do have help from their parents. That might be a sweetener when you say no (if you can afford it of course).

If you feel inclined, and have some extra space, I would give them a firm time limit with rules . They would need to cover their share of the bills, plus do their own shopping/ cooking/ laundry.

But yeah, they are being presumptuous

I would be asking them why they didn't check it was all first to start with

I can't believe the cheek of them. And they're already planning visitors?! Absolutely hell no. They've shot themselves in the foot because they have shown they clearly aren't suited to it given they don't give a shit about your feelings or comfort.

There’s no room, it’s impractical and they’ll have to find another way.

He’s asking too much and he hasn’t thought it through. I sympathise with him, it sounds like he’s tired of fully adulting, but no, just no.

If you want to soften the blow are there other ways you can help him?

💯 Nope

A) They are CF
B) £50 is piss poor for 2 people and pets
C) they'll be jobless... terrible idea
D) Where will all their crap go?
E) your peace will be be gone... very different if you had space and offered them a room for a short period of time, but the fact they are cheeky enough to tell you this is happening means they are cheeky enough to overstay
F) Why can't they stay with her family.if they are so excited
G) They need to stand in their own 2 feet... work overtime, live in a cheaper house share, sell some assets. Not rely on you and your DH to fund them.
H) They are still CF

What are they smoking? The answer is a hard NO!

This is your home and and they ask, not tell you. How dare they! Tell them absolutely no way. Cheeky fuckers!

No way. Say no. Your house clearly doesn’t have room for this setup, it’s impractical and selfish of them to spring it on you, which bodes very badly for how it would be to live together.

I can't believe they just decided they were moving into YOUR property?! 🤯

Absolutely do NOT agree to this OP. My MIL is considering moving out of her rental to get away from BIL and his GF because they are making absolutely no effort to look for a property to rent of their own. She is too soft to tell them to move out, drives me crazy.

5 days ago there was a BBC news article about living with parents and being able to save for a house deposit. Maybe they read that and thought it was a great idea but forgot they need your permission to move back home.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce3578g32d0o

If this isn't going to work then you need to tell them asap before they quit their jobs. Maybe they could move into her parents' house or even downsize where they are, pay less rent, save more.

Are they the sort of couple who can save or are they spenders?

It's very rude of them to make this assumption and tell you it's happening, rather than raising it as an idea and discussing it with you. It's right that you have the conversation as he's your son, but it would be nice if your DH was there just for moral support.

Explain to your DS that you've given it consideration but it would be too intrusive and you couldn't make it work. They need to look at other ideas, such as renting a smaller, less expensive place while they save. Do you and DH have any way of gifting them a contribution towards their deposit?

With regards to the garage, if it hasn't been properly converted into a bedroom then I think you'd need to check if it was even permissible, as it would need to abide by the building regulations that ensure the structure is suitable as a living space.

I'd tell him not to quit their jobs. Unemployment is high ATM so no guarantee that could find new jobs paying as much quickly. My niece got made redundant and she has a first class honours degree and all her finance qualifications with 12 years experience with a glowing reference and it still took her almost 4 months to get another job paying as much and she has to travel further to get to work. Tell him you and DH have to sleep in separate rooms for medical reasons and don't have enough room. You don't want pets in your house. You and DH like a quiet house. Suggest it's good they want to save for deposit and to both open up a Lisa and put maximum in each month. Maybe offer to help with deposit or pay solicitors fees when they buy a house. Suggest they sell off a load of their stuff and then rent a room each in a shared house which generally includes all bills except food.

The jobs market is incredibly difficult at present - thanks to interfering politicians! They’d be mad to give up “good jobs” in this climate…they need to economise in other ways.
Are you in a position to give them a deposit? That might be a way of heading them off, assuming you’re in a comfortable financial position yourselves. If your not, the £50 a week is no where near enough. My teen could eat that much in a few hours given the opportunity!