AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

[OneFunnyPearlTurtle]

My adult son and his girlfriend live together and have happy lives and good jobs. Randomly I get a call from them saying they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones and moving in with us to save money for a deposit to be able to buy their own place. They wouldn’t be able to travel to their current jobs from our house due to longer commutes. They have accumulated their own house full of possessions and pets, they have no children. I was not expecting this at all and am annoyed that they have made a huge decision without discussing it with us first. I feel railroaded into helping them and annoyed that they have made this assumption. My DH has been DS DSD for over half his life has told me no as it is impractical and has left me to have the conversation with them. I want to help them and feel guilty if I consider not helping them, but I have to also consider the huge impact it would have on mine and DH lives. DS has said they will live in the garage and have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent so that they can have maximum opportunities to save. I couldn’t bear to have them in the garage but we don’t have a bedroom for them as DH and I need separate bedrooms for health issues. AIBU to say no to their idea? Do I just ignore it as they might be running through the practicalities of various ideas? Are they being CF by assuming they can disrupt our lives? Am I horrible for not wanting this to happen? They want to pay for storage for their house full of possessions which will eat into a huge chunk of their money. I feel awful for wanting to say no to them but I don’t see how this can work day to day and long term. DS GF has a notoriously troublesome family that have said they can’t wait and will be here visiting all the time and I just don’t want all the disruptions. WWYD?

This is a problem for you and no one else. This is your son trying to run over what you, his mum, wants.

You need to grow your parenting backbone and say no.

He has insulted you by assuming you are on this earth to do his bidding. Your DH is right. I am sure he will help you but you must parent your son.

How old are they?

I'd have vastly different opinions on if they were 19 vs 39.

What did i just read?
No
No
No

Definitely not. They are both being bossy. I can't imagine living with 2 people who behave like that. Say no, and mean it.

I’m pretty sure in most areas you need permission from the council to turn a garage into living space

I would not be giving up a secure job right now - particularly if they’ve been employed more than 2 years with their employers. I’d find the prospect of this incredibly difficult but I’d also feel really guilty saying no
so I have sympathies OP. It just sounds crowded and uncomfortable for everyone. Are they in a position to take a lodger where they are or move in to a multi occupancy house and maybe lodge their pets somewhere temporarily?

When they called to say they were planning on doing it did you say no? I really think you are going to have to say no now.
I can’t see how old they are but once they are in it would be very difficult to get them to leave- why would they with free run of the place for 50 quid a week with limitless showers, fully stocked fridge and freezer etc

First post nails it

There is no guarantee they will get a job, any job. Even shelf stacking is hard to get.

At best IF they have both already found new jobs would be to look after their pets while they lived in a house share elsewhere but only if they reduced their house possessions massively to save on storage costs.

It's a big fat no from me.

A quick Internet advises you require a garage to meet building regs including damp.proofing etc and likely planning permission as previous posters have said.

You can't simply just sleep in a garage unconverted - otherwise I'm sure government's of all political persuasions would have considered this as a cheap solution for the housing crisis.

Yanbu. We have more space yet it still hasn't been easy living with DD and her long term partner, he is no bother and they are house trained but it's still another person using the loo, shower, wanting to watch tv etc and sometimes they want to cook their own meal. Ds2 is also still here, so there are five adults (not to mention his girlfriend stays over sometimes) with different work schedules and needing to use the facilities.

They want to move out but they are in some debt (through no fault of their own) and it's quicker without pay astronomical rents.n

Tell him you and DH have to sleep in separate rooms for medical reasons and don't have enough room. You don't want pets in your house. You and DH like a quiet house.

Or as MN is so find of saying, 'No' is a complete sentence. No need to justify it.

They have a bloody cheek.

How much have they saved already? What has their lifestyle been? Are they frugal, or have they been splashing the cash around on holidays and going out? A house full of stuff and pets doesn't sound like they've been partly careful with money.

But the answer is still no. Just no. And don't link it to offering to help them with a deposit. That comes, if it comes, when they can show they've made progress towards saving themselves.

Mine came back from Australia and we got railroaded into letting him and his gf stay, it was hell on earth, do not cave in.

They're idiots. Tell them to rethink their plans and thank them for eventually consulting you on their marvellous idea. They're adults. They can sort their own mess. What a pair of ignorant twats.

Just say no!
Why can’t they move to a smaller property near you or a cheaper area?

Absolutely not. They've got their own lives now and it's really disrespectful to impinge on yours! "That doesn't work for us" is needed. You're not a bad person, there is a limit to what you can do for your grown up kids!

Just say “No - that doesn’t work for us.”

Do not justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE) as that gives reasons to prolong and discuss - just rinse and repeat the above no matter how many times they say ‘Why?’ or plead / beg - Get it done ASAP. Look at it like going out in a storm - get layered up, see it through but it will pass.

Get it done.

All of the above, plus: living in close proximity to someone to whom you are (effectively) lending money, you will be witness to all their everyday spending activity. They are unlikely to live frugally (takeaway coffees, everyday little spends, new clothes they want rather than need) and you will resent it. Don’t let it happen.

Arm yourself with numbers. How much will they have to pay to make the garage livable, then storage costs. Do they also have 3 months of living expenses saved while they job hunt? Offer to go through their finances with them so that you can all plan together.

OH FFS Op. Just pick up the phone and tell your son that you do not agree to their plan and under no circumstances can they move in with you. Be firm, be polite, but tell him that you do not condone them giving up their jobs under any circumstances and you will not support them if they do. Don't get into discussing their plans, trying to help them see their way through this. Just tell them they are being completely irresponsible, but if that's what they do they can leave you out of it. Don't even consider enabling or supporting them in this, they are adults, let them go their own way.

Another person saying just say no..

Agree with all the posters saying no and that they are taking massive liberties here. Don’t feel guilty for a minute longer as their request is completely unreasonable.

if GF has such a big supportive family I’m sure they can move in with them.

Obviously, you say no.
Very immature of them to even consider it without talking to you first.

Just say no.

Is your garage converted into a living space? If not, they can’t really live there, and where is all your garage space going to go?

Maybe store their stuff in the garage, and they can get a bedsit. Look at spare rooms.com, if they want to reduce their outgoings. They still have their independence, and they’re not living with you.

Storage can cost £50 per week, so they would be spending £200 a month on storage.

Whats the job market like in your area? Jobs aren’t easy to come by. I’d not give up secure jobs at the moment.

That's crazy! Did you not laugh when he suggested it? Mine wouldn't even contemplate asking to move home as they would know the answer would be a hard no. It sounds like they are fed up of adulting and want to hand over all responsibility to you. Better to say no now and there possibly be hard feelings than have them move in and realtionships get wrecked.