AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

[OneFunnyPearlTurtle]

My adult son and his girlfriend live together and have happy lives and good jobs. Randomly I get a call from them saying they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones and moving in with us to save money for a deposit to be able to buy their own place. They wouldn’t be able to travel to their current jobs from our house due to longer commutes. They have accumulated their own house full of possessions and pets, they have no children. I was not expecting this at all and am annoyed that they have made a huge decision without discussing it with us first. I feel railroaded into helping them and annoyed that they have made this assumption. My DH has been DS DSD for over half his life has told me no as it is impractical and has left me to have the conversation with them. I want to help them and feel guilty if I consider not helping them, but I have to also consider the huge impact it would have on mine and DH lives. DS has said they will live in the garage and have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent so that they can have maximum opportunities to save. I couldn’t bear to have them in the garage but we don’t have a bedroom for them as DH and I need separate bedrooms for health issues. AIBU to say no to their idea? Do I just ignore it as they might be running through the practicalities of various ideas? Are they being CF by assuming they can disrupt our lives? Am I horrible for not wanting this to happen? They want to pay for storage for their house full of possessions which will eat into a huge chunk of their money. I feel awful for wanting to say no to them but I don’t see how this can work day to day and long term. DS GF has a notoriously troublesome family that have said they can’t wait and will be here visiting all the time and I just don’t want all the disruptions. WWYD?

You are not unreasonable at all. They've approached this horribly. I think the online narrative makes it seem as if this is a completely normal thing to do: to build a life and then transplant that life (with pets and possessions) into their parents home, contributing next to nothing, and staying for as long as they need/want to. In reality that doesn't work for a lot of families. Space issues are a big thing, and a lot of people don't want the imposition. If they were desperate, of course you wouldn't see them on the street, but they don't need to do this, they just want to.
I'd be asking what they have saved already (because if they have, say, £20k, and their plan is to be with you for 6 months to save up another £10k, then maybe.) But if they're starting from zero with no time frame, then this isn't a practical plan at all.

To save money they still need to earn it. Whta planet are they on? If they give up their jobs what income will they have? You will end up paying for everything and where will they even get £50 per week from? How will they eat and do all the other things that are part of living daily?
Sounds they want to opt out of life and leech off everyone around them.

What a cheek to tell someone you move in.
I personally would have a problem of telling them no and that I am not impressed and angry without worrying about making them too angry to stay in touch in the future.

Your son is doing a lot of TELLING. Is the house his?
If I wanted to move back into my parents' home, I'd be expected to ask amd agree. They'd not have me dictating any terms to them.

Have you got funds to help them with a house deposit?
If not, living at home on low/no rent is often the best way to help children onto the housing ladder.
I wouldn't rule it out but I would set some very robust rules

I’d say “no” and ask them what they plan to do instead.

OP do you think that nicely he might be trying to reverse psychology you in to suggesting to lend them money for a deposit?

So make the alternative (moving in) sound so horrific that you offer different help? The plan itself sounds so crazy and they are just ‘thinking about it’ that I wonder if they are playing a hand here.

If they have no income for say four months whilst they job hunt - will they realistically stay in the unconverted garage all day? No. They’ll either be in your house or they’ll be out spending money. They would have no income during that period but paying you, storage, pet food and insurance etc, for car or other transport? At an absolute minimum. So they’ll already be losing money for a period rather than gaining.

I think they may be spinning you a line here to gauge reaction in the hope of some financial support towards a deposit.

I hope they haven’t already left their jobs with the state of the job market at current…

It would be a no from me too. Is your garage even habitable?!

Fast forward 10 years and you telling them you want to disrupt their lives by moving in. I don’t think your DS and his GF would go for that.

Got to be cruel to be kind!

This is unbelievable.
Use the well advised MN expression "No, that doesn't work for us".
They'll have to come up with another bright idea.

Hi OP. This sounds like a nightmare! Can you store some of the stuff for them in the garage and they can rent somewhere small, rather than their proposal?

@OneFunnyPearlTurtle how old are they and have they been together long?

"That's not your decision to make. Your dad and I don't agree to it. You can't move in here."

If it doesn’t work for you then you’ll need to sit down and have a talk with them.

I have offered my ds and his gf to come back here and save as it works for me, but I appreciate that’s not the case for everyone. And the big difference being I offered, they didn’t presume.

How come her family know about it enough to be planning visits and you don’t. They are CFs.

It’s great you’re thinking about the shape of your lives and planning, but you need to find another solution as this one doesn’t work for us, and the shape of OUR lives.

No no no I did this had D son in law live with me for a year to save they cluttered up the place cooked left washing up never cleaned bathroom it was a nightmare honestly never again I had to ask them to find a place to live and they rented a place and saved surely the rent on storage and the laughable £50 a week they should save and add to for a deposit say your health and hubbys health would be affected by two more adults in the home as they would be in the house and just sleep in garage for your sanity say sorry but NO

This is such an insane idea for so many reasons, it most of all because they didn't even ASK you, just TOLD you it's happening!

Is be surprised if this is the full story, it's so extreme it doesn't make sense.

Are they in debt? Gambling? Already been fired?

It's very weird.

Definitely tell them no, they are making themselves jobless and homeless for no food reasons so you have nothing to feel guilty for.

I would just send a message back saying you’ve missed April’s fools day 😂

if / when he comes back saying he’s serious be firm with a no, how can they live in the garage he knows you won’t let them do that and will push you into sharing rooms with your partner again. Where will they “live “ entertain these visitors cook wash etc all on £50 with no end in sight.

its a disaster waiting to happen.

unless it’s a way of getting you to offer a deposit? Can you / would you do this, and think very carefully before you do, just offer a sum you can afford and insist it’s a one off, and don’t give it to them until they actually need it for the deposit

My first thought was undisclosed financial problems, but with the paying for storage now I'm thinking not.

Would that make a difference to your joint decision with your husband?

Would it help to frame this as your son and his partner's proposal, and talk to him about it in those terms?

I voted no - you are not unreasonable to say no, he's an adult.

Ooh this makes more sense!

It really is so crazy that there's got to be something else behind it. Or at least you'd almost hope so.
🦇 💩 Otherwise!

This sounds bizarre. Lots of people have similar arrangements, but it’s the parents that suggest it (because they are happy about such a scenario) not the adult child. And generally they don’t pack in their jobs and have a load of pets/furniture to store. £50 would probably barely cover food.

So what did you say to him in this unlikely conversation?

What you mean that the in laws can’t wait so would be round all the time?

Did you intend to raise such an arrogant, rude young man?

Told YOU they were moving in ?
"Must admit that's funny a joke son. Is it april 1st already?"

Wow like PPs I’m flabbergasted at the entitlement of deciding this without asking you, and the £50 is the cherry on top! WHAT? I thought my 16-yo was inconsiderate for hogging the bathroom and not doing her chores, but even she would know you have to ASK someone if you can move in!

I could understand it slightly more if you were loaded and lived in a mansion, but even then it’s not something you can assume you have a right to. Especially when they have a home and jobs, it’s not as if they’re suddenly in an unexpected mess.

I’d be telling him oh what a coincidence, we were planning to move and downsize and stay with you for a few month/years. See if he thinks that’s reasonable.

if they’re prepared to live in a garage maybe they could get a motorhome or canal boat? Or live-in jobs that come with accommodation?