AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

[OneFunnyPearlTurtle]

My adult son and his girlfriend live together and have happy lives and good jobs. Randomly I get a call from them saying they are planning on ditching their current jobs and getting new ones and moving in with us to save money for a deposit to be able to buy their own place. They wouldn’t be able to travel to their current jobs from our house due to longer commutes. They have accumulated their own house full of possessions and pets, they have no children. I was not expecting this at all and am annoyed that they have made a huge decision without discussing it with us first. I feel railroaded into helping them and annoyed that they have made this assumption. My DH has been DS DSD for over half his life has told me no as it is impractical and has left me to have the conversation with them. I want to help them and feel guilty if I consider not helping them, but I have to also consider the huge impact it would have on mine and DH lives. DS has said they will live in the garage and have told us they will pay a token £50 a week in rent so that they can have maximum opportunities to save. I couldn’t bear to have them in the garage but we don’t have a bedroom for them as DH and I need separate bedrooms for health issues. AIBU to say no to their idea? Do I just ignore it as they might be running through the practicalities of various ideas? Are they being CF by assuming they can disrupt our lives? Am I horrible for not wanting this to happen? They want to pay for storage for their house full of possessions which will eat into a huge chunk of their money. I feel awful for wanting to say no to them but I don’t see how this can work day to day and long term. DS GF has a notoriously troublesome family that have said they can’t wait and will be here visiting all the time and I just don’t want all the disruptions. WWYD?

With CF types, their great plans and ideas are ALWAYS at the expense of others.🙄🤣

I see quite a few threads on here which begin with something along the lines of the OP has been told (sometimes asked) that a family member is going to do something outrageous that will affect the OP's life significantly and are they being unreasonable not to want it.

In each case, they seem to have said nothing at all in response to the statement or request. Does thet really happen? Son: "GF and I are moving in with you so we can save for a deposit and we're giving up our jobs. Pets are coming too." OP: Silence.

What did you say in response, OP?

‘No’ is a complete sentence, and all you need for those CFs.

No to moving in in any shape or form. If they keep their jobs and move into a much smaller and cheaper place, I’d offer to store their crap if you have space in your garage and obviously watertight. Not in the house or attic or any corner they think is fine.

All of mine boomeranged between flatshares, but never gave up work. They stored stuff here that’s still here ten years later, and I still have to remind them to take things from my garage.

"That doesn't work for me" on repeat

You need to get them round and have a proper conversation about this. Your DH needs to be a part of it too, he's certainly not unreasonable to refuse to go along with this cheeky fuckery, but if he wants you to say 'no' he should be there to support and back you in doing so. You're supposed to be a partnership and this affects both of you.

Firstly, I would ask them what has prompted this and whether they are in trouble financially. Have they got themselves into debt? Has one of them already quit or lost their job? Are they in rent arrears? It seems such a half-baked, poorly thought out plan that I can't help but wonder if there's more to it. That could just be me being cynical though!

Once you've established there's nothing more troubling behind this, tell them that you think it's admirable they want to save for their own home but you're worried they haven't thought this through. One half of a couple quitting their job with no job to go to is a risky move, both of them doing this at the same time is just reckless. I would also tell them that you're surprised and a little hurt that they didn't even think to ask you how you felt about them moving into your home along with all their pets, and have even told GF's family before discussing it with you! Assuming your DS and his GF are aware of yours and DH's health issues, I would also express surprise that they haven't taken this into consideration. They don't seem to have considered the impact on you at all. Explain that you love them and want to help, but what they are asking (or in fact, assuming) is too much. Tell them that rather than saving money on rent but paying out for storage, they are welcome to store their stuff in your garage at no cost so they can rent a smaller place/a room in a shared house to save money.
In your shoes, I would probably offer to give them some money towards a deposit but obviously you may not be in a position to do that, and you're certainly under no obligation to.

I think you're going to have to prepare yourself for a difficult conversation. If your DS and his GF are they type to assume they can move into your home without even asking then you're probably going to have to be very firm.

Please DON’T say, I meant!!

This is her son, not a neighbour or friend. Sitting down and explaining is perfectly ok in this instance. An emphatic No! without any further clarification is not a good way to have a happy relationship with your kids.

Are you this abrupt with your own kids?

Is your garage entirely empty? If not, where is he suggesting you put your stuff?

I would tell them the garage isn't suitable for people to live in and you don't have a spare bedroom so unfortunately they can't live with you. If there is some space in the garage that you could offer for them to store some of their stuff then I might do that, enabling them to live in a house share or similar without having to pay for storage

That is a big ask and quite different to if they had some misfortune and lost jobs, got ill, etc. Is your garage even suitable for living in? Your local authority might not approve and your neighbours could complain.
If you want to suggest a way to help you could offer to store some of their belongings in your garage so that they can move somewhere smaller and cheaper to save more.

Snap!

Oh good grief! That is really taking the biscuit!

My DS moved out a couple of times and has recently returned as his relationship foundered. He was extremely careful to ensure that he wouldn’t be putting anyone out by moving back, and has been helping out around the house much more than he did before he moved out.

Because I can afford it, I am charging him only a very low rent, and buying him basic foods, with the agreement that he will save what he was spending on rent for a deposit on a new place and buy any expensive food items himself.

I wouldn’t allow a partner to stay though, and he is invested in getting somewhere of his own, so staying at home won’t be forever…

Are you concerned that if you say no to them, they will go no contact with you OP? It’s possible, but being railroaded into something neither you nor your husband want, will damage your relationship anyway. This type of open ended arrangement will simply cause conflict. There is no benefit at all to you and you may find that you and your DH will be at loggerheads too.

It’s the height of rudeness for your son to assume you’ll be happy with an arrangement that suits him and his GF, but is stressful for you. People can’t simply give up their jobs on a whim. The job market is as difficult as the housing market and £50 is insulting.

Don’t do it. Your relationships will suffer hugely, especially when there’s not enough space.

All this!!!

Agree with others. That’s really presumptuous. Job market is dire and it sounds like they would be sponging of you. Probably fed up with adulting, but aren’t we all!
I'm all for helping my older kids but when they choose to leave jobs and expect to me to support their partner and pets as well, that’s too much.
Going to have a similar issue shortly when DD finishes uni shortly and their BF lives miles away!

The answer is an unequivocal ‘no’. No is a complete sentence. What they are proposing is utterly unreasonable, not to mention framed in the rudest way possible. It’s not up for discussion, they need to find an alternative way to get onto the property ladder. This is your home and they are proposing to invade it simply because it suits them. They are quite simply CF’s.

I would tell them no, they can't move in and i was really pissed off that they didn't have the good manners to even ask me first and they just expected me to support them

OMG I can see my mums face if we said this... She would literally explode. Just say no. This CFery of the highest order!

How are they in debt if it’s not their fault?

Are you this abrupt with your own kids?

i would be more than abrupt if they came to me and told me this is what they intended to do. There has been no thought as to the inconvenience it would cause to OP and her DH - just what will suit them.

I have the same questions as I imagine everyone else has

• is the garage even habitable? Won’t it be freezing in the winter?
• is it even legal? Our council are saying they’re cracking down on garage tenants
• would your council tax go up?
• is £50 per week supposed to cover their meals too? Will they expect to eat in the house with you?
• Where will their large number of pets go?

You are 💯 right to say no. Don’t doubt yourself.

And also threads where the OP posts something outrageous about a family member then doesn't respond to all the subsequent posts asking such questions from outraged posters...

(Plus a few posts from people who think that the outrageous suggestion could be adopted if the OP only ignored her own reasons why it wouldn't work, just because they thought they could do it in their circumstances...)

An emphatic No! without any further clarification is not a good way to have a happy relationship with your kids.

What further clarification is needed?

Assuming you can move yourself, your gf and your pets into your mother's home isn't a good way to have a happy relationship either.

People on MN always seem to think parents, usually mothers, should roll over and accept being treated like crap by their children, usually sons, in order not to damage their relationship, never considering whether this is in fact a healthy relationship, or the damage already being done by the son's behaviour.

Don’t ignore it incase they had in their notice on rental. Say you’d love to help, but not possible. They need to look at improving their jobs, getting second jobs etc. Fair enough to move home if space, but there isn’t. Living in a garage is not reasonable and they’d still need to use kitchen etc. I’d say no too in this situation.