Would you go to the funeral?

[MendingWall]

DH has received an invitation (I didn’t even know this was thing) from his sister to the funeral of his BIL’s DM.

We have met her no more than 4 times (over the last 20 years) and the funeral is a 3 hour drive away.

I think going is bonkers (waste of annual leave and petrol), but he feels like he should attend. My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close. So AIBU to say don’t go?

Was the OP's DH's sister particularly close to her MiL? If it's s loss for her it does make sense to have some other family attend. 💐

You're not visiting the dead person. The funeral is for those left behind.

He is an adult and can go lf he wants

I have never heard of invitations being required for an ordinary funeral! Royal or State funerals yes, or that of a very famous person, but not for an ordinary person.

Unless I was very fond of my BIL and he needed my support, I wouldn't go. I am, in fact, very fond of both my BILs but neither of them would need my support so I wouldn't (and in fact didn't, in one case) go to their mother's funeral.

Is the invite for you or for your husband, or both?

If you met the deceased a handful of times and don’t like your husbands sister or her husband why attend? Just because the woman is dead it doesn’t mean you have to pretend that all is fine.

People attend funerals to pay their respects to the deceased and support immediate family of the deceased. You don’t like the immediate family so don’t go and don’t feel guilty about it, we don’t have to like everybody.

What your husband does is entirely up to him.

You don’t go to a funeral because of your relationship with the dead person. You go because of your relationship with the living.

It can be both or either.

I have been to funerals of people where I knew the person who died well, but had never met any of their family or the people most closely affected (eg a colleague).
I have also been - very occasionally - to the funeral of a person who died that I didn't know, but I was very close to their spouse, or mother maybe, in order to support the person I was close to. That is a pretty rare circumstance though. You have to get the balance right and not be an intrusion with people thinking 'who is she and what is she doing here?'. You can support a friend in their loss by being available to them to pour their heart out to you or to give some practical support, perhaps with clearing out the house for example, without traveling to the funeral.

Obviously, mostly, I would only go to the funeral of someone that I knew both the deceased and their close family. But you can't go to funerals of everyone you have ever known, and you have to be practical and realistic about things like travel time and annual leave. Obviously in a lot of jobs (police, teachers, Drs, etc) you can't just 'take leave' for a funeral except a spouse, child, or parent. Then many people with dc don't even have enough leave to cover themselves looking after children in school holidays, let alone days off to travel to funerals of people you had no relationship with.