Would you go to the funeral?

[MendingWall]

DH has received an invitation (I didn’t even know this was thing) from his sister to the funeral of his BIL’s DM.

We have met her no more than 4 times (over the last 20 years) and the funeral is a 3 hour drive away.

I think going is bonkers (waste of annual leave and petrol), but he feels like he should attend. My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close. So AIBU to say don’t go?

Allow? Don’t be daft, he’ll go if he wants and always would have.

All I wanted to know if my view on whether it was necessary was wrong, apparently it is so I stand corrected.

There's always a big group of people on Mumsnet who think funerals are for the dead "why would I go I hardly knew her". But funerals are for the living and you go to support the friends and family who are grieving.

Allow as in do all the childcare for one day to allow him the ability to attend a funeral.

It’s one day, why would it be so hard?

Glad you have the grace to accept it and stand corrected.

This is most sensible and measured advice I think, acknowledging the complexities of the situation (and supporting him to go rather than allowing (!). I will follow it, thank you.

I’ve been to a couple of funerals out of a sense of obligation. It’s not that rare. His sister might want and appreciate his presence.

I think you have a point about the annual leave and childcare though and I’m unsure why you’re getting such a hard time. These two things have to be discussed when you have children at primary school, surely.

That said, for your husband’s sake OP I’d advise trying to make it work even if you have to call in a favour from another parent.

yanbu to say you feel you shouldn't go. yabu to have an opinion about whether your husband should go.

I am nothing if not graceful (and bemused by death rituals)!

Kindness. Because it sounds like his sister is asking him to be there.
Funerals are as much about those bereaved (if they want and need the support) as those who have passed.
I recently went to the funeral of my friend’s dad. I’d met him fewer times than you’ve met your BIL’s mother but the funeral was going to be tricky for many reasons and my friend needed the support.
I also attended the funeral of another friend’s mother who I had never actually met. In fact I went to do the food for the wake and to generally help her out. And again, she wanted the support.
If she’s asked him and he doesn’t go, people remember who doesn’t put themselves out. If relationships are sketchy, it’s an opportunity for a reset. Unless they’d done sth unforgivable, or I had an unsurmountable clash, if I were your husband I’d probably go in these circumstances.

DH and I didn't got to his brother's FIL's funeral. It was in a different country and we had never met him. No expectation of us going.

Not sure whether there would be any for us attending the MIL's funeral whenever that happens (in good health at the moment). Only met her once at their wedding. Ginormous family on that side of the family so would not need additional support from us on the day

And surely support is important not just at the funeral. If you are not close to SIL and BIL, I assume not much support will be forthcoming (or required) at other times.

I think there’s a slight misunderstanding here, I can tell him my opinion. I can’t tell him what to do.

But as your DH has been invited, presumably his BIL doesn't consider him a random and wants to have him there.

I’m sorry this has triggered you, but it’s not a control thing at all. I’m allowed an opinion when his attendance will impact on me. What he chooses to with that is up to him, I have no plans to lock him in a cupboard to prevent him going.

When my mum died there were plenty of my friends who didn't really know her.

They were there to support me.
I'm struggling to see how you can't see this.

Because all families are different and we don’t have that kind supporting type of relationship with either of them. They have plenty of friends who aren’t 3 hours away.

And they've asked for him

I think this is key. You don’t have to rely on your judgement about what the right thing to do is - you follow the lead of the person bereaved.
A friend recently lost both her parents within a week of each other. I knew people who had been their neighbours and let them know. They asked if they could go to the funeral and my friend wanted to check how her sister would feel. Some people are very private in their grief and it feels like you fall into that kind of response. As you can see on here, other people feel they really need the support of others and that people coming to a funeral of their loved one is an open acknowledgement of their loss and grief.
Your husband could always say to your sister “would you like me to be there? How can I support you both?” Then there’s no second guessing. I suspect she will want him there - otherwise she wouldn’t have asked him in the first place

I did say in my OP I don’t like either of them, but then they are horrible people.

Can't he get the train there, or close enough on the train and then a taxi?

Funerals are for the living. If your DH is close to his BIL it would be the right thing for him to attend to offer condolences and support.

YABU, it's up to him. You don't have to go

A) I can see why his sister would want him there, it’s probably more about supporting her and her husband rather than the relationship with the deceased.

B) Yes you would be very unreasonable to say “don’t go” it’s not your decision.

That’s what you think, what does your DH think?

You seem to be backtracking from your original premise which was that you wanted to be able to tell DH he can’t go to the funeral. I think you have accepted that you can’t do that.

However, you can say he can’t borrow your car to go if you need it. He can get public transport and get collected at the other end surely?

The funeral is about supporting the bereaved, not the dead person.