Would you go to the funeral?

[MendingWall]

DH has received an invitation (I didn’t even know this was thing) from his sister to the funeral of his BIL’s DM.

We have met her no more than 4 times (over the last 20 years) and the funeral is a 3 hour drive away.

I think going is bonkers (waste of annual leave and petrol), but he feels like he should attend. My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close. So AIBU to say don’t go?

Yes agreed. But if you don’t like the friends and family attending then there’s no need to go support them.

My brother, mother and I went to my BIL's father funeral. My brother and I had never met him, but our attendance was very appreciated by my sister and BIL.

Sounds like your SIL has explicitly invited your husband so he should go.

I am not English and I find the attitude surrounding funerals in England very odd. If my DH wanted to go to a funeral, no matter how tenuous the connection, I would definitely do whatever I could to help him get there.

He actually went to a funeral abroad last year, of an old school friend he hadn't seen in ages. He would have taken a very dim view had I called it a waste of annual leave.

OP has confirmed she doesn’t like them, she hasn’t confirmed how her DH feels or if he wants to build bridges.

I see you've settled your dilemma re the funeral but I find it odd you talk about 'we' regarding a relationship with his sister - surely he has his own relationship with her independent of you.

It’s very normal for some people. There’s no right or wrong. But I would think your SIL invited him because she could do with her brother’s support.

@Witchonenowbob OP says they (as in her and DH) don’t have a close relationship with SIL and BIL

DH is from a huge family, both sides, particularly older generation so there have always been lots of funerals.
He likes to go, it’s not always possible as it’s 4 hours each way. I had to tell him to stop comparing himself to people who are ducking out of work for a few hours to him having to travel/hotel/use annual leave.
I think if he go and wants to and is able, fine. If it’s difficult then probably not.

She does, indeed say

My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close.

She doesn’t like them, so they don’t have a close relationship. That does not means that her DH doesn’t like them, but because of the situation with OP it’s difficult to have a close relationship.

I was also replying to a PP who stated that if you don’t like someone you wouldn’t go to support them. OP has only stated she doesn’t like them, hence my response.

I was just making a general statement in response to your general statement. I didn’t keep on track with the OPs thread. Sorry for confusion.

Ahh the old 'accuse someone of being triggered when they disagree with you' trick 🙄😂

I wasn’t the poster you were responding to, I was making the general comment to you to just say, he doesn’t necessarily dislike them,

I think OP, if they are horrible people as you have said and he agrees with this then I’m surprised he is going. Unless he has been told to go by family. If they have been horrible to you then again this changes things.
I agree with what others have said in that funerals are for the living and he may feel duty bound or that he wants to go to represent his side of the family for whatever reason. It is a substantial distance to travel unless you want to or feel compelled to go.

I thought it was odd when I first read it but actually my mum went to her brothers PIL funeral and I’d go to my sisters PIL funerals if asked to as well.

It’s not the most common occurrence but I don’t think it’s that rare either.

If it’s on a Monday or Friday then DH can stay overnight but obviously if not it will be a long day of driving.

If I was him I would go out of respect but also try and make something in that area so it’s not an entire day wasted.

I think the vote, and indeed the comments have been completely thrown by the fact you seem to be suggesting you dictate to your dh whether he goes or not.

If you had simply asked 'would you go?' I suspect the overwhelming majority would have said 'no'.
I would think it quite strange to go to the funeral of someone you've met only 4 times over 20 years, even if it were a local funeral and you were retired / unemployed and had no dc to look after.
Add in the distance and the fact you are working age and have dc who need care and will need looking after when they are sick or on holiday from school, and no, there is no way I would go.
It would be dh's decision if he went, but, in your circumstances my dh wouldn't go, and I wouldn't in the same situation.

So no, I wouldn't go.
No, dh wouldn't go.
But, I wouldn't tell dh he couldn't go.

I’ll offer a different view. Some people (not suggesting this applies to @MendingWall (or her DH) thrive on being a ‘mourner’ and a bereaved family member can thrive on the whole ‘woe is me’ and wallow in my grief stance.

As I say, I am not suggesting this is the case.

You are being unreasonable to tell him not to go. It’s his choice

I went to my BIL’s MIL’s funeral and I hardly knew her. Met her a few times. I went to support my BIL and his wife, but I suppose the difference is I like them both.

👍

I can see why you would find this frustrating. Your relationship sounds so strained I imagine you feel it’s unlikely that the same thought, support and consideration would be offered to you and yours, so it seems unjust that you need to inconvenience yourselves. It’s not about controlling your husband, it’s about you understanding why he would go to all that effort!

However, in my family it’s deemed of upmost importance to attend funerals to support the living. I’m not saying I agree with it and belting how great thou art out over and over isn’t at the top of my list of ways to spend my days off, it’s just the way it is. Perhaps your DH was brought up the same? I would 100% be at mu SILs parents funeral, without doubt. FWIW, I’m not particularly fond of her.

Im not saying I agree. I’ve been to that many funerals I’ve decided I don’t bloody want one. But then I won’t be here, so just do whatever you want!

He probably should go. A show of support to his sister and her family.

My mother passed away last week and the funeral was yesterday.

I had friends, colleagues, and family who had never met my mother, ever, but were there to support me (one of which travelled nearly 3 hours each way)

It was very much noticed and appreciated.

I wouldn’t expect my dh’s siblings to attend my parents funeral i admit but id be touched if they wanted to, they have only met once and thankfully my parents whilst older are healthy as i type. However my sils dh’s family did come to mils funeral and were a brilliant help, they managed the kitchen, wrangled the grandchildren into serving drinks hot and cold, washed up (village hall situation) meant that the closer family didn’t have to worry.

Bloody hell, the crazies are out tonight.

"Controlling/ allowing/ stopping him" ffs nothing the OP has said suggests anything like that!

Do none of you have conversations where your OH says "What do you think I should do?" when they are in two minds about something? OP giving her opinion is not controlling, its simply answering the question asked!

Your DH's sister needs support from her brother as her husband's mother has died. Why don't you think she should have that support? Do you not understand funerals, grief and how families work?

I understand how funerals, grief and how families work.

In my world, dh's sister will be there to support her dh at his Mum's funeral. It would not be expected that she would need people 'to support her' at the funeral.
Of course, it depends on the relationship.

When my sibling's MiL died, I did go to the funeral. We all lived very locally to each other, she was a lovely, friendly welcoming woman that I had known for 35 years, and probably seen monthly, on average, over all that time. But clearly (although the same relationship in terms of family trees) that was a very different relationship in terms of 'being friends with' or even 'knowing her well' from the relationship the OP's dh has with his sibling's MiL. Also, at the time, I worked PT at work, and my role was fairly flexible in terms of me being able to work when I wanted as long as the job got done, and the funeral was local and by then my dc were grown up and teens so didn't need any arrangements made.

I have another sibling with a MiL and I didn't go to their funeral as I'd only met them 3 times (wedding, Christening and 1st birthday of my dn). They died when our dc were quite small, and the funeral was about 3 hours away and we only had one car between us at the time. It just wouldn't have worked practically, but the key point is, I didn't have a relationship with them so obviously wouldn't travel to the funeral.

No difference in relationships with my siblings, but circumstances were very different.