Would you go to the funeral?

[MendingWall]

DH has received an invitation (I didn’t even know this was thing) from his sister to the funeral of his BIL’s DM.

We have met her no more than 4 times (over the last 20 years) and the funeral is a 3 hour drive away.

I think going is bonkers (waste of annual leave and petrol), but he feels like he should attend. My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close. So AIBU to say don’t go?

So AIBU to say don’t go?

That's 'discussing' it, is it?

I think you need to look up the word 'controlling'.

It's a case of showing support...I've been to funerals of parents of old friends etc, more to support them. And from personal experience it is a great comfort seeing people making the effort and paying respects. It does help.

This is what I think.

But happy to accept IAMBU if that’s what the consensus is. I would hate randoms turning up my family funerals to spectate on grief they do not feel but we’re all different.

YABU to say don’t go. It doesn’t specify whether the invitation was extended to you but even if it was, your husband can go if he wants. It’s not your decision to make and I’m not sure why you feel you get a say in how he takes his annual
leave

So it’s not because you don’t like them, as you said was swaying you on the 1st post? It’s changed?

Are you completely lacking in understanding and empathy the concept of supporting the people left behind?

That IS what the general consensus is.

Glad we could help.

Because we actually need all the leave we can get for childcare so if he uses a day for this, it’s probably a day of unpaid leave I’ll need to take at the end of the year.

I'm struggling to envisage any other scenario in my house than me telling my husband to fuck off with himself if he told me not to go to a funeral that I was quite minded to go to.

I also come from a world in which it's normal to attend a funeral in support of the chief mourners.

I’m going to blow your mind now @MendingWall, we went to my bloke’s ex’s mum’s funeral. He loved her and she was lovely to me on the couple of occasions we met. I fully expect we’ll go to his ex Fil’s too when the time comes. You don’t go to a funeral to add to the occasion, you go to support the family and pay your respects.

Your Dsis will be supporting her DH.
I think she'd be very grateful for some support from her DB.
He wouldn't be going to "spectate on grief".
That's a very odd way of thinking about attending a funeral.

We just don’t have that sort of close relationship with either of them.

It’s your DH’s decision. It may seem a little odd but people often attend funerals not so much for the deceased but for support to friends & family.

Is it funeral week on MN?

An invitation to a funeral is not usual. Normally the death is announced along with funeral arrangements. Funerals are not private, anyone can attend.

Those making the arrangements tend to find it helpful to know how many people might be coming. Mostly people worry that there won’t be a good turn out. Funerals are for the living, to help those left behind to process their loss and gain closure, but families worry that a poor turn out is a reflection on the deceased.

Could be that your SIL and BIL are inviting people to swell the ranks. It would be a nice thing to do to go and support someone who has lost a loved one. Be nice.

I wouldn’t go, no. I’ve met plenty of people more than a few times and wouldn’t rock up to their funerals either. If he wants to go then fine. I didn’t expect people who know me but not my mum to come to her funeral - the thought wouldn’t occur to me and I’d find it odd if someone had done so. Support me in other ways - as friends did.

I had quite a few friends that came to my darling Mums funeral and they had never met her ,they were there to support me and I have done the same for others.

He’s not going to visit her, he’s going to pay his respect and show support to his sister and BIL

I’ve been to funerals of people I have never met. Parents of in-laws/friends, work colleagues parents, close family.

You are there to show support and respect to the chief mourners.

I did this even before I had my own close bereavements, because that was the way I was raised. Now I have had my own close bereavements I understand the importance and the comfort it can bring people to know they are not alone during difficult times.

'Hardly knew her'

'Waste of annual leave'

'Waste of petrol'

'Future childcare'

'school/club pick ups/drop offs while he's away'

Bloody hell, can you dig up any more excuses to control your husband?

OK thanks all, it still makes no sense to me at all.

But at least I know I’m the outlier!

It’s very normal to go to funerals in situations like this. It’s about showing respect, marking the significance of the occasion, and has nothing at all to do with “randoms spectating on grief”.

I understand the difficulties with childcare etc but I think it is a case of him going to support his family as opposed to having known his sisters MIL. I went to a funeral of my best friend’s grandmother whom I’d never met but she couldn’t go (lives in NZ) so I went for her and my attendance was so appreciated by her mum and sisters. Funerals are for the grieving family, the deceased is gone. I wouldn’t make an issue of it and support him to go.

I wouldn't tell him not to go, I'd tell him it's up to him. Maybe there aren't going to be many people there and SIL would appreciate the support?

Your husband's sister has asked for her brother's support at a difficult and emotional event. Your DH certainly goes, I'd go to suppprt my DH.

That’s not what a funeral is about though, is it? Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and attendance is a way of supporting those who are grieving as well as showing respect to the dead person.