Would you go to the funeral?

[MendingWall]

DH has received an invitation (I didn’t even know this was thing) from his sister to the funeral of his BIL’s DM.

We have met her no more than 4 times (over the last 20 years) and the funeral is a 3 hour drive away.

I think going is bonkers (waste of annual leave and petrol), but he feels like he should attend. My view may be coloured by the fact I don’t really like either of them (sister or BIL), but consequently we are not close. So AIBU to say don’t go?

Surely if he's had the invitation, it's up to him to decide.

Well, don’t you sound like a ray of sunshine.

You might call it “bonkers” and “a waste”, but to others it’s called “paying their respects”.

You should just stay home.

Well yes it will be, but that’s not what I was querying.

YABU to involve yourself.

He's a grown man with agency.

Just double checked your OP it it does look as if that is what you are asking?

What are you asking?

My SIL and BIL came to my dad’s funeral and I very much appreciated their support.

If he received an invitation then it's up to him. Nowt to do with you!

Well it would be normal in my family , simply to support my BIL.

But I am in Scotland , and have seen from previous threads, that my view may be skewed by local traditions.

Seems like your SIL wants her brother there. You don’t like them, but how does your DH feel?

You should just stay home.

Fortunately it doesn't sound as though the OP was invited.

So your husband’s sister, has invited you to her husband’s mum’s funeral. A woman he’s met a few times?
Yes YABU to say don’t go. Surely he can decide for himself.

I would go. You don’t both need to go though- he can represent you both. It’s an act of support to his sister and BIL.

If you rarely saw her when she was alive what's the point in going to visit now she's dead?

OK. As you didn't like my first answer...
If I was your DH, I'd take the day's annual leave, drive 6 hours there and back and support my Dsis and BIL at the funeral.
I'd also tell you that your dislike of them is clouding your judgment.

I’m going to, but as we barely knew her when she alive I’m not sure what DH’s presence will add to proceedings.

That doesn't mean you can't talk about it. Everyone has that agency.

Well, I would go to my bil's Mum's funeral.

I didn't go to my sil1's Mum's funeral and wouldn't go to sil2's Mum's funeral.

So, in answer to your question - it depends on my relationship with them. Both the in-law and their parent.

I wouldn't go to anyone's funeral if I didn't know them. But I would send my condolences, send flowers and be kind.

Grief makes you do and say weird things. A funeral "invite" might be one of those weird grief moments if they're stressed, broken hearted and muddled.

Just be nice innit, it's really not that difficult nor deep

And I'm not sure what it has to do with you?

Do you get involved in all his business?

Perhaps just loosen the ball and chain, even if you can't bring yourself to break it.

Does your DH like his BIL and DS?

You don’t, so that means you’re not close, but really it’s DHs decision to go if he gets on with them and wants to support them, or maybe to build bridges, not further inflame the situation?

Same !! And god forbid if my SILs parent should pass away both me and my husband would go to funeral. We r fairly close tho. Not to the parents but to her !

So AIBU to say don’t go?

This is not 'talking about it'.

This is telling a grown man with agency what to do.

But we do tend to operate as a team so we’re likely to discuss it surely. He’ll need my car and I’ll need to do all the school/club pick ups/drop offs that day so it’s not like it can happen in a vacuum!

But that’s not for you to decide what it will add? Is it?

It’s called respect.

Oh dear, that’s awful for you, to allow your DH to attend a funeral….. not much of a team really?

You’re being difficult and a martyr because you don’t like them.

it also sounds like you’ve decided you don’t like them and your DH needs to fall in step with that.