to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

YANBU to be a bit shocked and upset.

YABVU to be 'put out'.

That shows a lack of empathy and understanding.

I suspect he may think you want them to remember her by. People do strange things when they are grieving. Don't ask me how I know, I just know.

ETA - not the clothes though, just the things you bought for her.

I would just extend a lot of grace to him and forget about it. Take the items to the charity shop and never give it another thought. Grief is brutal.

Ooh, yeah like you say, I think I'd just go along with it and quietly take the stuff to the charity shop

Yeah I’d just go along with it and give away.

i cleared out MILs clothes and it was all fit for the bin to be honest (she was heavy smoker and it was v old fashioned). But FIL thought it was “really good clothing” so I had to take it all away and pretend I took it to charity shop.

When my grandmother died my GF also returned a lot of stuff that we'd given her. He meant well by it - thought we'd want the memories. I kept the bits I wanted and quietly disposed of the rest. Re. clothes, he probably doesn't know what to do with them and chucking them is probably too hard. Maybe you can sit down with him and dh and ask if he needs more of a hand with dealing with her things. It must be very tough on everyone.

OK so the clothes thing is odd given you're a totally different size, but he probably thinks it's nicer the gifts come back to you that go to someone else. It's also fine to not keep them but he's not dumping them on you to be a nuisance

He’ll mean well.
No need to feel put out.
Just take them to the charity shop.

Grief is awful, and you don't know what you're doing half the time. I still have most of my late partner's clothes from a year ago - every time I go to sort them I just can't part with them.

I'm sure a charity shop will be able to make use of anything in good condition, your FIL doesn't need to know.

I think it's an awkward grief thing.

Does he get a lot of support from his immediate family and friends? My FIl was a fish out of water when my MIL died and we had him round for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week for a few months (easy as he lived round the corner). As he found his feet we eased it back to just Sunday dinner regularly, but we still popped round.

But clearing out was something he struggled with, he wouldn't get rid of anything of MILs, clothes, toiletries etc.

My mom, on the other hand..... I went round a couple of days after the funeral and all my dad's clothes were in bags in the hall ready for a charity to pick them up later that day. I found that a bit harsh.

But who knows how we will react in the same scenario.

My suggestion is do what you were going to do - but keep an eye on him.

I don't think he is being a nuisance. I am just surprised seeing all the things I gave her coming back to me. I will just take the bags straight to the charity shop. I don't want to keep anything. All of it can go.

I hope he doesn't expect me to wear the clothes.

If you have the time and inclination you could ask if he needs any help in dealing with her belongings (or even better, your DH could if he feels able to).

Grief does weird things to people. Your FIL is probably not thinking straight and thought he was doing a nice thing. I would just pack it away for now and give to charity shops in a few months time. Don't get rid of it all now, just in case he changes his mind and asks for her stuff back! It might be a good idea to gently broach the subject with him and tell him MILs clothes don't fit you and not really your style so would he like you to donate them?

Say thank you and take straight to charity shop if need be

I think DH should do this rather than me. It was his DM.

I am happy to take stuff any stuff to the charity shop if DH brings it back.

My father wanted my mother's things out of the house fairly quickly. I was unhappy about it as I thought it was too soon to be sorting her things . But he explained that it made him too sad and upset to see her clothes and shoes in the closet and her things in the house . Cut your FIL a lot of slack , he is bereaved and alone after a presumably long marriage.

It’s understandable for you to feel a bit surprised but your FIL has no more need for the things than you do and no mare desire than you do to work out what to do with them and then do it.

You are close enough family that it’s normal for you to be involved in dealing with the things your MIL left behind, so YABU to be put out. Just take the things to charity and help out your grieving father in law.

Maybe he would appreciate his son doing more to help him sort things out.

Another thing that you could do if you have time is list it on Vinted and then make a donation to a charity of your choice in her name. It’s what we did when my grandma died. It did take a bit of effort but it felt more personal than taking it to charity and my grandad appreciated it.

it's a weird thing, when my Gran died, my aunts and uncles wanted the gifts back that they'd given to her. I thought it was a bit odd, but that's what they wanted.

I was asked if I wanted gifts I'd given back and I didn't. It almost felt like I'd not given them to her at all if I got them back.

It is a van full of stuff and we don't have the space to store it all.

I am worried now in case he does ask for it back.

You are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do - what seems perfectly normal and acceptable thing to do to your father in law doesn’t have to be accepted as such. But you did the right thing, which is what matters.

Having cleared my parents home, it's hell. It's hell that ends with you throwing stuff they loved in a skip.

Take the things he gave you and do anything you like with them to ease his burden.

It is on DH to deal with things his DM left behind. When my DF passed away, I sorted out his things with my siblings. I didn't ask DH to help.

I already am going to take everything to the charity shop so I am helping FIL.

Omg. Just read it’s a van full. Thats not kindness, it’s emotional dumping. It’s yours to do with what you wish but a bit of a burden to place on you. I guess he didn’t know what to do with it so left it up to you both to deal with it all, under the guise of generosity.

When my mum died, both my sister and I happily took back quite a few of the gifts we had given her over the years. We had chosen them with love and care, and now it’s nice to have them here to enjoy and remember her by.