to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

I agree with this. When my mum died my dad brought loads of her clothes to me as I lived a long way from him and there was no danger of him seeing her things in charity shops, or other women wearing them. I just wish he’d discussed it with me first though, rather than just turning up with bags full. I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband.

I have a mirror in my house that I made for my granny when I was a teenager that my mum gave me after she cleared their house. I want to take a painting I had made for my mum back to keep but I don't want to ask my dad for it and appear insensitive. I have a tube of expensive hand cream on my desk that was part of my last ever Christmas present to my mum. I like looking at and using these gifts and remembering the love with which I gave them to people I loved who are no longer here. YABU. You don't have to keep it all but the thought was kind.

Could you get a memory bear or cushion made with a few nice pieces?

Except those bins usually end up in fabric recycling/rags rather than being sold in shops.

If there are any clothes that she wore a lot or are very of her style could you make, or have made a cushion for him?

Good Lord the man has lost his wife. He isn’t going to be thinking too hard about where her belongings should go. Maybe he wants them to go to someone who will treat them respectfully.

He gave them to me to wear. I am not sure he would appreciate them cut up and made into a cushion.

I’m part of a hobby group. We’re frequently asked if we can take stuff related to hobby on death of mother, grandma wife etc

weve now had to say no…because the male relatives, and even some female relatives, turn up with a car load of unsorted junk in boxes, bin bags, broken carriers , including stuff utterly irrelevant to our hobby - random shit that accumulated in hobby room over decades. . They’re just dumping on us the entire job of sorting the boxes and drawers, and cupboards of stuff and taking to charity/recycle themselves .

I once spent 20 mins with lovely bloke from dump, who kindly volunteered to help me as it was quiet hour at dump, going through two boxes of old glues, paints etc trying to determine water based from solvent based so it could go in right place. It was so old, potentially dangerous, labels non existent any more, even he was horrified they’d simply been dumped on us by a grieving husband.

i remained dumbfounded how anyone could be as bloody cheeky to do that to strangers who’d agreed to find a home for our hobby related stuff. Even if they’re grieving. There’s nowt so queer as folks

it’s also the men particualrly who want rid of it very quickly, before funerals etc. I think a lot of men find it difficult to grieve slowly and understand the emotions they feel. They’re in pain, they want it to stop, and therefore remove everything causing triggering of pain, and often charge into next relationship to get back their emotional support.

we refuse to take anything now. We signpost them elsewhere as to where to take stuff. Sadly.

My MIL often gives me stuff that she can’t bear to actually get rid of herself, even though she knows it’s stuff that’s fit for the bin. It does piss me off (no one has died, she just hates getting rid of stuff) but I try to just consider that it’s a kindness to her to smile and nod then bin it. The poor man is likely just doing the best he can at a sad time.

I’m a bit hardened to leg round multiple charity shops, looking for someone to take stuff, for anything other than really good quality items.

i take view that if it goes to council dump then it gets recycled into rag trade or whereever. Which is where unsellable charity donations end up. Yep, costs councils. Even 10 years ago when clearing MILs stuff could take direct to rag trade through certain centres. All those closed now.

I am bit concerned about the volume of everything. FIL said there is more to come.

Some of DH grandmothers clothes are also in bags. She died many years ago. FIL said again I might like to wear her clothes. She was in her nineties.

We found the opposite. Me clearing my MiL’s clothes and belongings was just a little bit more detached for me than my DH.

Anything I wasn’t sure about, I asked him, but most were simple decisions.

MiL also had lots of things, unopened that we had given her and lots of duplicates of things she had bought. I honestly think she just forgotten them or in some cases didn't really know what to do with them , kind of new things that were unfamiliar. Reed diffusers were one. Or perhaps things to use ‘next year’ or ‘saved for best’. No malice.

Thinking about it I have gift sets and candles tucked away, unused…saved for best!

This reminds me of when my grandmother died. Not quite the same, but my aunt (her DIL) came across various presents she'd given my granny over the years, all pristine and unused, and she was really upset. I know my granny was just the type who kept things 'for best' and it won't have been because she didn't appreciate them, but my aunt was genuinely hurt. People forget that often, everyone is grieving, not just blood relatives.

I would also feel a bit wrong-footed by presents being returned. I see the logic, but especially when it's in such a huge volume, it must feel overwhelming.

I don't understand why you might be put out.....

Not sure if anyone has mentioned door step collections, that can be much more efficient than carting to charity shops. Anglo Collections was one I used I think when clearing a relatives house. You book a slot online, box everything up and ideally label them "clothes" "Bric a brac" etc.

Why is this on OP?

You seem oddly cold towards your father in law @juststoop

Could you take an item of her clothing and get it made into memory bears for DH and him? I've seen some lovely ones made from cardigans etc . Sorry for your loss .

When MIL died, FIL tried to send as much our way as he could - gifts, kitchen appliances, old linen. I said no to all of it. DH is too soft and took a lot. We have all her photo albums etc. just sitting there, cluttering up our house. No one looks at them. FIL doesn't ask about them.

FIL was trying to clear out his house without guilt. If he gave it to people, including returning gifts, he wasn't throwing it out. SIL told me she was going to quietly dump it all. DH will hang onto it for life (but never even look at the photos). Don't keep it unless you want it. Move it on.

There is a van full of stuff for me to take to the charity shop. It is quite a big job.

I didn't show any annoyance to FIL.

How?

Thank you.

FIL wants me to wear the clothes. I am not sure he would appreciate them being cut up and made into something else.

DH doesn't like the idea either.

We were given back some gifts we gave to dgp when they passed.

There's just so much stuff to be cleared out...your poor FIL sounds a bit overwhelmed, thinking you would like to wear dgms clothes!

I don't see what else you could do only take it from him and dispose of it all.

Yes, you are unreasonable. If the gifts aren’t things he would use then you are the obvious person to take them as presumably you liked the things you chose? What else do you think he should have done? Bin them? As with the clothes, you can keep or donate but he presumably hoped someone in the family could make use of them and probably didn’t consider style and size. Being put out is ridiculous.

Thank you for your kindness.