to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

Better than having to sort out a house that looks like one on those hoarders programs I
Suppose. But a pain when you have enough to do as it is.

OP you are perfectly entitled to kindly and sensitively say no to items coming into your house you do not want, need or have room for.

Doesn’t mean you don’t like your in-laws or have compassion for someone who is grieving.

Perhaps those who think otherwise can give you their address to pass onto your FIL. Apparently they would be glad to take vans full of things from him and sort them for the tip, charity shops and have memory cushions made…

Thank you and great idea. I bet no one comes forward!

I think saying you were put out is awful. He's grieving ffs and probably didn't think it was an odd thing to do. He clearly wanted you to have something of hers to remember her by. The poor man, thinking he was doing something nice. I bet you wouldn't have been on here being "put out" if he'd handed you some expensive jewellery or a big fat cheque. Have a bit of compassion, grief is awful.

He clearly wanted you to have something of hers to remember her by - all the gifts from the last two decades and also 20+ bags of MILs and her DMs clothes?

Why would he give me jewellery or a big fat cheque?

Thread has moved on, she's got van loads of crap coming to the house. have some empathy ffs.

He may well be grieving, but piling a van full of stuff and dumping it on a relative is not sorting anything out. It's simply giving it to someone else. I've also unfortunately seen it happen when a man immediately has a new girlfriend and wants to rid himself of everything. Not suggesting that's the case here.

If it's helpful, some charities will pick up bags of clothes! E.g. Traid.

Thank you. I need to go through them and take out the ones with the mildew first.

This is pretty much exactly what most of us do/have done when an older family member dies.

Is it convenient? No, not least because its difficult for us as well but really its not as hard as being the spouse which utterly sucks. This isn’t some random stranger, he is their DF/FiL and sometimes we do shit for family because family.

Its not exactly something he will be doing again in a few months time - its a one off inconvenience. Just like arranging the funeral and dealing with the estate.

And I'm the one that has no empathy?! OP has absolutely no thought for the FIL in all this at all. Just "put out" by the fact that he's 'dumping a load of old crap' onto her.
Just quietly pass it to a charity shop, you're obviously not going to use it. No need to make a thread about it, as all you've done is show yourself up as a person who clearly lacks compassion and thought. Have you always treated him with such irreverence?

Have you always been this judgemental and thoughtless?

Not at all. In fact, only when coming across posts like these, funnily enough.
I really don't think I'm the one being judgemental and thoughtless here. Maybe show your FIL the thread and see what he thinks?

You should think again.

I have unfortunately lost my DF and FIL in recent years and took on dealing with estates, funerals and other tasks but would have said no if either widow had just dropped a van load of clothes at my house without even discussing it first.

The OP doesn’t want these things. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love or want to help her FIL.

OP is entitled to her feelings.
Kindness goes both ways, the FIL is not being kind to OP and her husband in this situation. Her husband will be grieving too, and he is already dealing with the legal side.
Van loads of unwanted possessions with no value are not "a gift" in any sense.

Sounds like a way to deal with his grief. Maybe he can’t bear to throw them out but wants to clear out so by giving to you they’re not “gone” as such.

If any have mildew it would be better just putting the lot in a clothing bin

so sorry you’re having to do it OP, it’s a really crappy task, I know I’ve done it 3 times es 🤦‍♀️

Some people just like to stick the boot in.

No reason for you to go through them. You don’t want any of it so just leave it in bags and drop it off at charity.

If there is mildew they will deal with it.

This isn’t a huge burden but you’re acting like it is.

OP, the grieving brain is a funny old thing. My advice is to say to yourself, and really really really believe, that the ‘stuff’ will be useful to others and donate it all to Charity Shops, where it will do endless good.

Hobby stuff donated to hobby group/club
Other gifts for school raffles
Bad condition clothes in bin.
Some clothes in supermarket recycling bins (usually found at the back of car parks).
Rest of clothes to charity shop, or refuge, or to a ‘back to work’ type organisation.
Coats gloves scarves to homeless shelter.

My MIL did this with FILs things, kept trying to pass things on. With her agreement we sold all his hobby stuff on eBay and split the proceeds between the grandchildren.

I’d take the clothes to a charity shop but keep the gifts for a while before asking anyone else in the family if they’d like them. If not you can then find other ways to part company with them. My daughters have the jewellery I gave to my mum as presents.

The poster above has made some very good suggestions. Not everything has to be dropped off at charity shops which can be pretty soulless places and nothing more than dumping grounds.

So then nothing to feel put out about.

Before you were saying what my FIL didn't say.

Now you are saying no reason to go through the bags, You think you know everything.

I do need to go through the bags as the hobby items will be given to the groups. I will not give the clothes with mildew to the charity shops. There are other items in the bags that need to be dealt with differently also.