to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

Agreed.
Even the caption of the Thread “ To feel unsettled “ .
I can’t also help but notice how many times she mentions the amount of stuff .
It really is coming across as just an inconvenience to her .

I’m sure OP you are not unkind , but your fil is in such a sad place right now .

My DF has issues chucking stuff in the bin but will happily donate - whether to charity or to me. We managed to deal with both DM and then his DP's belongings by finding a charity that took work clothes and going out clothes, another that took toiletries, we sold stuff on ebay and donated the money, we sold books on Ziffit and donated the money - basically found every way to keep the stuff out of landfill which is what he wanted, and if we could raise money for hospice then brilliant. However there was a lot of stuff that no one wanted that he gave to me to sell or donate and I had to pretend I had found a home for because I tried but just couldn't.

Lots of older people tend to return gifts to the giftor. My DH’s gran did this is the lead up to passing, because she didn’t want people bickering over her belongings and also felt it was fairer. FiL is likely overwhelmed the task of packing his late wife’s life away. Just donate to charity and think no more about it.

I would say "I sorted through all you gave me and kept a few really lovely things. Thanks for thinking of me.
I'm going to donate the rest to charity"

That's harsh. I don't know where I would store a van load of my mil's clothes. We don't have a spare bedroom.

The responsibility of now being the person making the decisions about them is staring you in the face every time you see them piled up in a corner of the bedroom or trip over them in the hall. And you're feeling like you can't just drop them at the charity shop.

That's hard op. I sympathise.

This.

Not only are you being unreasonable, but I think you're being pretty unkind as well. Why don't you and your DH offer to help your FIL with what must be a difficult and upsetting task for him?

There are some online services that will come and collect charity shop stuff from your door

No doubt is emotionally easier for him to give them to you rather than give to charity shops. He may also feel you paid for them so you should decide what happens to them.

No doubt there’s people who would be upset at someone giving away all the gifts they had bought for a deceased relative.

He made a wise decision in my opinion.

He's dealing with her things in the best way he thinks he should. What do you think he should be doing with her clothing? Wear it himself? I think he's being very thoughtful. Often family members want something of a memento from a loved one who's died. There are actually pieces of clothing from my late MiL and DM that I do wear and each time I do, it's an opportunity to remember them. I think you are the one being somewhat insensitive here.

The total lack of any sympathy you're talking about him with?

It's really, really hard going through a loved one's stuff after they've died and working out what to do with it. You reach a kind of decision overload. He's doing the best he can in his grief. You can dispose of them as you see fit, OP.

You are making this about you. It's normal. It isn't about you.

To be honest, it’s very difficult for the widow/widower to get it right, especially as people find death and the aftermath so difficult to speak about and lots of people cope in lots of different ways.

There’s another thread on here where the grieving daughter is distraught that her DF cleared out all of the mum’s things without offering them to her first, her Dad was probably feeling the same way about not being able to live amongst continuous reminders of his dead wife and had a big clear out. He probably thought the same way you do, that his DD would have no use for old clothes and shoes or whatever and did what you wished your FIL had done.

However, in that instance the DD probably would have loved for her Dad to turn up with a van load of her stuff the way that your FIL has, and had a chance to work through what she wanted to keep and what wasn’t for her; so it’s likely your FIL genuinely thought he was doing a good thing, different responses to grief are normal.

Open and honest conversations would have helped both of these situations, but that often doesn’t happen when people are grieving.

He's just trying to manage his grief. Take them to the charity shop. Maybe keep a scarf or something as a momento and mention that the clothes are not your size but you have found a good home for them, if he asks.

I think it's "in case" you want any of them (he will know that you probably don't), and please deal with them. He just doesn't want to be clearing every item out individually himself, all the charity shop trips etc.
Binning/disposing of your dead wife's belongings feels pretty awful, I imagine, but most people know it needs to be done. And let's face it, many men would not have much "stuff" if they didn't have wives.
ETA I offered items to my MIL's friends, told them to please take anything that they liked, as the rest would be disposed of. Pretty scarves, ornaments etc. They were very touched by the gesture and my MIL would have been very happy about it.

You said the gifts where specific to a hobby you don't do. Depending what the hobby is, are there any specific local groups who would appreciate the things being donated to them? Then if your FIL did ask, you could tell him they went to people who would appreciate them. Even if it's just wool to a knit and natter for example, I imagine that would sit better? Just a thought.

He may well be worried that you would be put out / offended if you didn't know what happened to the things you'd given her!

Sorry OP for your loss. Just to say that it may involve more effort than you feel you have capacity for now but I have recently donated to an organisation which collects boxes/bags of books, clothes, etc from either the kerb side or will knock on the door. You can choose from one of several charities. It might be worth checking online, if there are charities which will come and collect. It's a very difficult time for all. Sorry you and your family are going through this.

Same here, just do that. The charity shop will benefit.
Think no more of it.

My FIL kept everything of MIL’s and when we cleared the house after he died most of her clothes were moth eaten, damp and thick with dust. All her clothes, and she did have some really nice things, had to be destroyed.

It was difficult for us to have to set it all out and we completely understood why FIL struggled to let go, it was his way of coping with losing his wife.

Your FIL is feeling incredibly overwhelmed with what to do with his wife's belongings. Its so much easier to part with things when you think they're going to a good home or to someone that you like. Like the difference between just handing the items over or things like sitting in the car crying your eyes out afterwards and buying back items from the charity shop.

❤️

This sounds perfect to me.

He probably didn’t want to throw them or donate them in case you asked about them and wanted to give you the opportunity to decide what to keep. I’d just keep a few bits and donate the rest. If it’s new stuff still in packaging you could donate to your local school for summer fete tombola etc

Most charity shops (if one of the big charities eg. Barnados) will take your donations and either sort them there or immediately send to a centre to be sorted. The items then get sent to where needs it and they rotate often. So I wouldn't worry about taking it all to a local one and it all being on display as they very likely will not retain much if any of it, it will be distributed.