to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

I have accepted everything and didn't say a word. It is all packed up and ready to go. I didn't agree to wear her clothes.

When my FIL died, MIL wanted to give my DH and his brother loads of FIL's old clothes - to wear, not to take to the charity shop. Apart from being too big and not DH's style, this included FIL's old underwear! MIL didn't like the idea of it 'going to waste'. DH said no thanks mum!

Just take it to the charity shop OP. FIL won't want it back.

It may have mentally been easier for him to give them to you. Just quietly regift but make sure it’s not a shop he may go in to
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He thinks you might like it all because you bought (some of it) you are a woman and may have use for it or know what to do with it. Or he has no idea what to do with it all and can't face throwing it all away.

It is a difficult time for him so I am not going to say anything. I just hope he doesn't ask for anything back as I want to give it all away.

I didn't buy her any of the clothes.

I think it is easier giving it to me than disposing of it himself which is fair enough. There is so much of it though! Will take a few trips.

I've just remembered my MIL trying to force my DH to take a number of suits home on the plane with us after his father died. They were 70s style with lapels. She argued he could just wear them around the house to relax in.

I assumed your DH would also be grieving and might find this difficult to deal with, and therefore you might step in to support him with it.

I see you say that you dealt with everything when your parent died, and you didn’t ask your DH for help. Is it possible there is some history/resentment there that is playing out now your DH has lost a parent?

If it was a few bags then you could have kept I and let go of it bit by bit but to be expected to keep a van full of of stuff is unreasonable and impractical so you wouldn’t be unreasonable to donate the majority of it. Maybe to a charity close to your late MIL where possible?

It's both an awkward grief thing you just go along with, and a bit annoying (and sexist - I bet your MiL wouldn't have returned gifts to a SiL if FiL had gone first, maybe her DD, but most people take women's emotional interest for granted when it works in their favour). You seem to be handling it well, OP.

Does your Fil live near you? When my husband died, I didn't take his clothes to any of the the local charity shops because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing someone else wearing them. I sort of get his behaviour because its so hard to work out what to do with stuff.

That was such a lovely thing for you to do both for him and her. Clearing a deceased ones clothes is very difficult especially for men of the older generations 💐

I’d really like the things I give mum to come back to me eventually. They are lovely things, chosen with care. They need to go somewhere, and I know I’ll appreciate them. Some will end up at the charity shop.

Could you have a conversation with him and tell him you're not going to have space for it all and ask him if he'd like you to donate it?

I didn't ask DH for help because DM wanted myself and my siblings to do it.

No resentment towards DH.

I am happy to take the van full of stuff to the charity shop. There may be more to come. FIL has only just started.

I am going to have take everything locally. I will probably have to divide it up amongst a few charity shops as some don't accept particular items. I won't have time to take everything much further out so he won't see it unfortunately.

I don't want to upset him. He knows we don't have enough space. Things are very raw for him.

I had the same problem. I actually binned a lot of it.

This

My in laws did the same.

I think it's odd to think that you might want her clothes & just dump then on you.

Gifts I understand more as we often buy things that we also like.

That’s fine. My step mother did the same when my father died. I took a couple of things and binned the rest - it’s all about how you feel. I think it’s perfectly natural to want to get rid of stuff after someone passes.

When my DIL's mother died, my DIL gave me some of her mother's things including some of her jewellery. Ten years on, she now has two daughters of her own. I recently asked if she would like the jewellery back for them and she was very grateful. I also kept her Mum's letters to me. She was too raw to want to see them when her mother died. Now she is so happy, particularly to read the letters and know how positive her mother was about her marrying my son.
The widower of one of my best friends who died a couple of years ago, found it very hard to deal with her stuff. He was downsizing to a flat. He gave me a lot of her jewellery and I organised a coffee morning for all her friends and encouraged everyone to choose some items. He felt bad at disposing of many of her distinctive pieces of clothing. I arranged for my sister who lives 200 miles away to take it and donate it to a hospice charity shop near her. This meant that there was no danger of him seeing anyone wearing his wife's coat etc.
i think it is common for bereaved people to want to give mementos to friends and family. There is a fear of being callous passing things straight onto a charity shop. Donating the clothes from my friend who died to charity shops far away helped the fear that you might see familiar items.

When my friend died her parents gave me lots of her things , I think they just couldn't bare to throw them away or give them to charity. I kept a few things to remind me of her and took the rest to charity shops which were not near where they lived so they would not ever see them for sale.

If you can't give clothes to a non local charity shop it may be better to put them in one of those big donation bins at the supermarket as they go away to be sorted centrally.

that's a REALLY good idea!