to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

My grandmother did this with gifts I’d given to my Grandad. Found it really weird. I got rid of most of it as it just felt weird having it and it upset me. The worst was the books where I’d written a message to him inside. When we buried his ashes I ended up burying one of those books with them, that made me gee somewhat better about the returned gifts.

It is a huge job and I am not surprised he feels overwhelmed.

FIL is also a hoarder. I think passing things onto me and DH is easier for him.

When my late MIL died 15 years ago, I remember being sad when I saw all the paintings from her room (which FIL had taken over straight after she died) by the bin...on the day of the funeral.

Apart from the wasteful nature of it, I thought 'you could have at least waited until tomorrow'...it's always stuck with me.

In that case...I think it's good he is doing anything at all and not leaving it all to be done after he passes too.

I’m being kind to your father in law. I’m in the middle of helping my mum clear out my dad’s things after he died recently and I just take the bags and deal with them so that she doesn’t have that additional burden. And I know how important it is to her that “good” items go to someone that can use them.

Talk to your FIL about the charity shop. With my dad my aunt kindly took them to one out of area - my mum was terrified she’d come round the corner and see a shop window full of his outfits, or someone wearing his coat in a small town.

❤️

You’re ’put out’ that a grieving man wanted to give you some things he thought you might want? Blimey.

I completely understand why you don’t want the stuff and why you’d want to give it away. I would too. But it’s incredibly harsh and unfeeling to be ‘put out’.

You really can’t see that?

My uncle did this when his wife passed. He wanted us all to have some of her clothes to wear to remember her by, he said. Later he said in a conversation with me and my cousin (his son) that he had to get rid of it as he was moving but couldnt bear to give it to charity shops as it felt like he was chucking part of her out. She loved her clothes, looking stylish was very important to her.

So by giving it to us he was sharing that part of her with family, and he said that he knows that most of it will have ended up at charity shops but as it wasnt him that had done it, he could square it with himself.

Grief is so complicated. I think I would say that the clothes are not the right size for you to wear but would he mind if you passed them on to some people who could use them?

I guess from your responses you aren’t close to FIL and weren’t to MIL.
you keep saying it ms for DH to sort, he is grieving, how long has it been?
My DF wanted DM’s things cleared very quickly so as I disposed I kept a few pieces that I thought would have important memories attached just incase he wanted them again..
it’s hard being the strong one for the family but at times it’s what’s needed

I doubt he actually wants you to wear her clothes, he just can’t bear to get rid of them to strangers.

I think making them a teddy bear or pillow is lovely and you’re being really stubborn about him not liking that because he wants you to wear them.

He never said you need to wear them. He’s not stupid. I’m sure he knows they aren’t your size.

How fucking raw do you think it feels for your father in law?

He probably hopes you loved and felt close to her, and want her things for the future if not now. You could perhaps repurpose some things, eg if there's jewellery that doesn't fit, have it altered for either you or your children, if you have any. If there is a way you could make it into a special piece for your husband (I know it's likely he wouldn't wear the same style, but stones could be put on a watch, gold could become a link in a chain), you could do that.

And that’s kind of you but this is her fil, not her dad. The relationship is of course very different. She shouldn’t be burdened with sorting though a van’s load of stuff because he can’t handle carrying the grief himself, especially when she has already had to do it for one of her parents. Her husband and fil should be dealing with this themselves.

There is definitely some (albeit possibly
subconscious) gender norms at play here, where women are polite and therefore expected to deal with stuff that should be others’ responsibilities.

Op, keep the presents you gifted your mil but have your DH deal with the rest and also speak with his dad about managing the rest.