to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

Why doesn't he just donate it?

Makes no sense!

It is cold to mention a van full of stuff? We are in a two bed flat.

I felt unsettled because I am seeing all the gifts I gave her over decades. DH has found it upsetting.

I

How am I being unkind? I have accepted a vanfull of stuff which I will take to the charity shop.

DH has helped his DF. MIL has kept things from her parents so DH has been helping with those things as it is easier for him than for FIL.

My mum did the same with some things I gave my grandmother. I kept them and they remind me of my grandmother. I didnt find it weird. Its household items.

I have also taken some other stuff to give away and some stuff like bedsheet to keep.

I didnt want any clothing /obviously/ which my mother and aunt understood.

If you dont want any of it, give it away and perhaps think of it as helping your FIL to sort things.

What is thoughtful about 20+ black bags of clothes that are several sizes too big for me?

Maybe you didn't read my posts.

Think of it as taking some emotional load off him, so doing him in a favour. He’s probably struggling to let go of stuff but needs someone else to do the emotional work of really getting rid

There is nothing thoughtful in any of what he’s doing - do you have any time to deal with it though?

I think that is a good idea. It would be better than giving it all way to a charity shop. Thank you.

DH needs to talk to him gently and explain that you don't have room for everything in your flat. Realistically his dad must know that.
He needs to ask his dad for permission for you to donate much of MIL's possessions and do some good with them that way.
He also needs to check with dad that there's nothing that he might change his mind about.
(Apologies if this has already been said, as after one page, I just read your posts)

My gran is a hoarder, him getting rid of things is a big step. Hoarders want to be told it'll be useful. How about proposing you can accept 1-2 bags a week? Tell him your place is only small, so you need time to make space for it (aka recycle/donate).

Are there clothes charity bins near you? That way you won't have to wait for opening hours.

I will deal with it to make things easier for FIL.

I have had a look through and some of the clothes have mildew and mould on them so I will have to dispose of this. I will try and do a bag at a time.

It absolutelyl understandable you find it unsettling!
Both for the emotional reasons and for the amount of the stuff. Plus if he just appeared at your door without any discussions there is also the element of a surprise.

I’m sorry OP. That’s quite stressful given the volume, it’s not as though he’s picked out a few keepsakes he thinks you might cherish.

I don’t think he means anything by it. He’s probably floundering not knowing what to do with her things and it’s easier emotionally to think of someone he knows making use of them. Yes I would donate/recycle it. I might also ask DH to mention you’re doing this and say that he’ll help with the clear out but that you don’t need any of the things.

He is on a roll with it and already will be bringing more in a few days time so I need to sort through what we have quickly.

I'm sorry people are being so unpleasant on your thread, OP. I think he probably just imagines that he's doing something helpful because he doesn't want her things to go to waste. Of course if he put any thought into it, he would know that they would be no use to you at all. I think some people are commenting without reading that it was a whole van load of stuff. It's crazy. I would encourage your partner to say to him that his dad should give him a call if he wants a hand with a tip or charity shop run, because you don't want any more donated items. He's either not doing his best thinking (understandable) or has some other reason why he wants it all gone suddenly.

I have noticed that when people die their next of kin like to give people stuff rather than face throwing it away themselves. My friend's mum died very suddenly. I was given a random selection of items as 'mum would have wanted you to have these'. In reality, my friend was keeping them by proxy! I thanked her, and gradually gave most of it to charity. I did keep a small garden ornament as a momento. Be kind. Accept it and quietly donate to a charity.

Grief does do strange things to people. When my grandmother (dad’s mum) died, my grandad (his dad) had Parkinson’s but afaik didn’t get his son (only child) to help with disposing of her clothes and personal items. What really upset my younger half sister who had more of a relationship with our grandma than I did, was that he gave away her wedding and engagement rings that she’d promised her. She was so upset by that.

I wouldn’t say anything OP just pass stuff to charity shop and maybe keep the gifts you got MIL.

Keep a couple of bits and donate the rest.

Re the gifts, I wonder if it's down to men tending to give presents that they would like to receive themselves, so FIL thinks that you gave MIL things that you secretly love and therefore you would love the gifts back?

Its quite a common thing to recieve previous gifts when someone dies in our family anyway, my grandmother had items labeled underneath, all bits we had given her .
I kept getting given stuff from FIL for yrs following MIL death .Smiled thanked him and it usually went straight into my bin as house was filthy and she had been a horder. But it slowly emptied the house and he didnt worry about it anymore.

With my DM, my father and I went through the clothing together. I'm tall and she wasn't, so there wasn't much chance anything would fit. I don't remember being offered back specific gifts. I do have her favourite mug which I think we chose together. It's not always difficult to pass stuff on to the charity shop but your FIL is probably feeling the need to be respectful to her memory as he sorts her stuff. It's all part of an emotional process.

A bit after my mil's funeral I quietly asked fil (who was devastated and almost mute with grief) if he would like me to take care of dealing with her clothes. He was only too happy to accept, and we briefly discussed which charity she would have liked her clothes to go to. It was quite a job, but I am glad he was not faced with doing it.

Can’t you just keep everything and pop it in the garage if you have space. She’s only just passed he may be giving it to you as it’s easier then disposing of it. If he does regret it then he can come and get it off you when he needs to.

Maybe he can't bring himself to get rid of her clothes so giving them to you is easier for him?

I still have a lot of my mum and dad's things including some bags of clothes and shoes and they died 4 years ago! I just can't bring myself to even take them to a charity shop.

The gifts were related to MIL's hobby which I don't do.

Someone had a good idea about giving it to a group that does the hobby.