to feel unsettled after FIL returned late MIL's gifts?

[juststoop]

My MIL passed away a few months ago and it’s all still quite raw. Out of the blue, my FIL has now turned up with a load of things I’d given her over the years and handed them back to me. He also brought her clothes and suggested I could wear them.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I don’t want any of it. The gifts were for her, I chose them for her, and it feels strange having them returned like that. I’m not going to wear her clothes either aside from the emotional side of it, she was a lot bigger and a older than me.

At the same time, I can see he’s probably just trying to clear things and maybe thinks he’s doing something kind or practical. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just accepted everything at the time.

Plan is to quietly take it to a charity shop. DH feels the same and also doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

The gifts are hobby related and no one else in the family does that same hobby. They will go to the hobby groups.

OP can be kind to her FIL and still feel put out by what he's doing. People are voting YABU because grief does funny things to people. So fair enough to be put out but keep it to yourself and help someone who is struggling.

Charity shops may have to pay to dispose of mildewed stuff, that should be going to a dump as you cant even recycle them.

I'd just take all the clothes to the dump. They have clothing recycling bins, so shove it all in there.
Anything else your FIL brings that might be worth donating, by all means take to a charity shop, but they won't accept that much clothing in one go.
I got tons of stuff of my Aunts from my Uncle, he didn't want his sons or DILs to have it.🤦🏻‍♀️
It all went to the tip, because they will recycle as much as possible.

It is a common reaction to feel a strong and visceral need to find a “home” for the dead partner’s possessions. Its not rational but its entirely normal to want to keep as much of them in the world as possible. Of the estates/homes I’ve dealt with for spouses - two PiLs, two parents, a godmother and a couple of other elderly relatives - more than half felt this need to “rehome” possessions with friends, family or good causes.

Its not that long since the man was widowed. I would have (and have) rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and got on with it because in terms of what the widow/widower needs it is what is most helfpul to them at the time. I didn’t realise just how strong and difficult that need could be until I was widowed and experienced it first hand, at which point I was genuinely glad I had just gritted my teeth and dealt with it and not told them to deal with their own shit.

Back to the OP’s question:
Or is this just one of those awkward grief things you just go along with?

Yes, its one of those things most people just go along with because it helps the family we (presumably) love. Its also fine to feel eye-rolly whilst you do it but I would still do it.

I will deal with whatever FIL brings over. I do want to help.

It is just difficult with the volume of it and not having much space. I have got rid some of bags already so making progress.

Well done, OP, you are being helpful to FIL and it’s fine to have a grumble on here to people who don’t know your family and who therefore aren’t dealing with grief too