AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

Can you afford to lose the money (and the friendship if he doesn't repay you)?

If you can't, then it doesn't matter why he wants it.

I wouldn't give him it without knowing what it was for.

Even if you knew what it was for you still would not be unreasonable to say no. That's a lot of money. Would you even trust him to repay it?

Yanbu
it’s a big amount of money
if someone was going to ask me that and couldn’t even tell me truthfully what it was for I would assume it’s gambling or something else
they aren’t credit worthy if they can’t get a loan elsewhere so another red flag
you’d never ever get it back and I think you’d embolden him to ask for more subsequently

YANBU - he won’t tell you what it’s for and has cash flow problems. Lending to friends is always an iffy subject anyway.

I can't believe he even asked

No chance would I loan anyone that much money - unless I had so much money I wouldn't notice not getting it back.

Of course YANBU. Who would think otherwise???

No, most people wouldnt have 4k so saying no is reasonable anyway without getting involved in any other semantics.

Absolutely not - regardless of what it's for.

No, I wouldn’t lend it not least because if he can’t afford to borrow it in the first place then how will he be able to pay you back? If you give it to him I’d assume you wouldn’t be getting it back and it will impact your friendship.

However if he falls out over this I’d rather be minus his friendship +£4k than minus his friendship and -£4k.

Is he divorced or separated? If so it’ll be child maintenance arrears and he’s run out of road sponging off the children’s mother so he thought he’d try you instead.

If it was anything truly urgent like medical or legal fees he’d have told you.

Either that or it is absolutely nothing related to his children but he’s implying it is to tug on your heartstrings. He has terrible credit and something is about to happen, probably bailiffs or something.
You would be MAD to give him money and would never see it again.

I too would say no - I have come to the conclusion that people who ask to borrow money cannot manage their own money - they are not saving enough, or overspending or whatever - but that is their problem and if I lend them money, they are likely to do the same with my money.

Just say no, you cannot afford it, and try not to feel bad. And maybe don't tell him your financial circumstances anymore, such that he feels OK to ask you.

I would offer to support him in other ways if it is a friendship that means a lot, e.g. send a food shop delivery round if you feel so inclined, or ask specifically if there are items that he needs (that you could then source for him second hand) or something like that. Or pay a gas bill for him. Something like that if you think he is genuinely up shit creek and wish to help him in a crisis. Stuff that can't be used for other things (like gambling).

You won’t get it back. This isn’t a friend.

A really close friend who I knew to be 100% honourable and trustworthy and had an income from which to repay me - yes, but that friend would openly tell me what for / why without me asking anyway - yes, probably.

If I was v wealthy, had loads of money that my dependants / Dc and I would never need, for a v good friend who had shown me loyalty - possibly but I would be cautious about why they wouldn't tell me why

A less close friend who just seems to be asking me because they think I am the person most likely to have £4k to lend - nope.

If he can’t get a loan elsewhere, presumably it’s because they think he’s a bad risk for repayment, so how could he afford to pay you back? What is he proposing about repayment, and why wouldn't his bank etc. agree to that?

I don’t understand why he won’t tell you what it’s for. I can’t think of anything to do with his children that he ought to be ashamed/embarrassed to tell you. The reason he wants it would make a huge difference to me: private medical treatment to avoid a long NHS wait - maybe; buying a pony or funding a ski trip - no.

But in general, lending money to friends is always a bad idea, even if you can afford it. It changes the whole relationship and the friendship often doesn’t survive.

You will never see that £4k again, the fact he won't even tell you what its for is a massive red flag! He's alluding to "it's for his kids" but not saying it is because I'd bet £4k its not...

I wouldn’t lend a fiver if you wouldn’t tell me why you needed it.

How can you make any assessment on the likelihood that you will get the money back if you don’t know why you are his last resort, and what it’s for.

Sounds like gambling debts to me. Or to fuel a gambling habit.

I would say ‘no’ and given that he wouldn’t say what the money was for, I wouldn’t feel the need to explain or justify my reasons, a simple ‘no’ would suffice.

You should only lend money that you can afford to lose. So if you can’t afford to lose it, don’t even consider it. Even if he had told you the reason.

If you can afford to lose it, it doesn’t really matter what it’s for. They’ve run out of other options so it’s unlikely to be a good reason. You would just have to give the money, say you won’t loan anymore but you can offer them advice if they want to take it.

If he can't trust you with that information then you can't trust him with a large amount of money.

You will never see that money again .

He is being so rude to ask you again when you’ve said no. I’d be rethinking the friendship. No means no!