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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

302 replies

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 10:36

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

OP posts:
IceStationZebra · 21/04/2026 11:05

angelos02 · 21/04/2026 10:41

No chance would I loan anyone that much money - unless I had so much money I wouldn't notice not getting it back.

This. If you’re even considering it then you must have enough money to not really notice it? I’d lend a friend up to £50
no questions asked, but that’s all. Most people don’t have that kind of sum of money anywhere, at all.

Upstartled · 21/04/2026 11:06

Yes, agree with the pp, if a bank doesn't think he's a good bet for paying back the loan then I certainly wouldn't be willing to absorb that risk.

AClassicTrenchcoat · 21/04/2026 11:08

Haven’t read whole thread but as he asked just by message, not in person etc? Could be a scam. Just had a scam email from a neighbour- they hacked her account.

mantez · 21/04/2026 11:09

If I could afford to lose it and the friend was genuinely a decent person, I think I'd offer to pay whatever it is he needs it for, rather than just giving 4 grand no questions asked.

That way you'd get your answer very quickly, or he will completely back off it is for dodgy debts etc.

Newusername0 · 21/04/2026 11:10

It comes down to whether you need the money as you’re unlikely to receive it back if you give it to him. If you can’t afford to lose it then you have to be firm in telling him no. He’s made it awkward, not you!

PurpleThistle7 · 21/04/2026 11:10

That is a huge amount of money for me so I would be really unlikely to lend that to anyone for any reason. Maaaybe my brother if I could somehow manage it but it would be really difficult for my own cash flow.

Original poster
rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 11:11

IceStationZebra · 21/04/2026 11:05

This. If you’re even considering it then you must have enough money to not really notice it? I’d lend a friend up to £50
no questions asked, but that’s all. Most people don’t have that kind of sum of money anywhere, at all.

Show quote history

It's not like I'm rich. I think it's more because he has children and I don't, so he must be thinking I have more disposable income.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 11:14

AClassicTrenchcoat · 21/04/2026 11:08

Haven’t read whole thread but as he asked just by message, not in person etc? Could be a scam. Just had a scam email from a neighbour- they hacked her account.

I did have that thought too. Spoofing numbers/emails etc... is so prevalent these days. But no, it was him. He asked over the phone. Wasn't an AI/deepfake voice or anything!

OP posts:
Goatsarebest · 21/04/2026 11:16

Won't tell you reason and being persistent after you said no. Both absolute red flags. You are potentially facilitating or enabling something that they need to sort out without relying on you. Your 4k will only delay that for them and you will be 4k down and they won't be your friend and you will feel ripped off and gullable. Don't do it. If they get angry at you, that tells you who they are.
Don't do it.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 21/04/2026 11:16

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 11:11

It's not like I'm rich. I think it's more because he has children and I don't, so he must be thinking I have more disposable income.

Show quote history

Just say no OP, if he won't tell you what its for you're not obliged to tell him why you won't! Cheeky twat he is. Honestly you will never get the £4k back and it will end the friendship as he'll avoid you out of shame or to avoid the debt. Do not consider it.

Upstartled · 21/04/2026 11:16

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 11:11

It's not like I'm rich. I think it's more because he has children and I don't, so he must be thinking I have more disposable income.

Show quote history

Well, he can't just wave an arm suggesting that it'll save his children from some vague threat he cannot disclose. For all you know, he might have it gambled away by tomorrow.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/04/2026 11:16

cheddercherry · 21/04/2026 10:46

No, I wouldn’t lend it not least because if he can’t afford to borrow it in the first place then how will he be able to pay you back? If you give it to him I’d assume you wouldn’t be getting it back and it will impact your friendship.

However if he falls out over this I’d rather be minus his friendship +£4k than minus his friendship and -£4k.

THIS.

PullingOutHair123 · 21/04/2026 11:17

Nope. Not a chance

Neither a borrower or a lender be...

Aquarius91 · 21/04/2026 11:18

Absolutely no chance. He’s actually putting you in a really awkward position by asking you again, also very shady that he won’t tell you why.

Mapletree1985 · 21/04/2026 11:18

If you can afford to give him the money outright, give it. Make it clear it's a gift.

No loans.

He'll keep coming back for more.

Gambling debts?

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2026 11:20

Absolutely not....shady as hell

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2026 11:21

I wouldn’t lend someone £4K anyway, unless maybe it was my parents.

That’s a huge amount.

The fact he won’t tell you what it’s for just confirms that you shouldn’t lend to him. That’s at all whether amount.

LakieLady · 21/04/2026 11:25

I wouldn't dream of lending that much money without knowing exactly what it's for and how the borrower thinks they'll be able to pay it back.

If they've got behind with rent or credit card payments, I might consider paying a chunk off for them, as long as they could show how they'd be able to pay me back and meet future payments. If they needed an expensive car repair and their car was essential for work, I'd happily do it if they could show that they could pay it back.

If it was because they owed their coke dealer £4k, no way, or if it was a gambling debt.

365RubyRed · 21/04/2026 11:27

Unless £4k is loose change to you, and you won't notice the loss, then don't offer him the money. Even if he confesses it's a gambling debt or something of that nature, I would still be wary. I only ever lend to family.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 21/04/2026 11:30

I totally disagree with PP - I would NOT want to know what it is for and would not entertain lending it. A desperate man begging for £4K is frankly, the last person who you can trust your money to.

Lindy2 · 21/04/2026 11:31

I wouldn't lend that amount of money even if I did know what it was for.

You're friends. That doesn't make you financially responsible for him in any way.

Unfortunately, whatever you do I suspect that him asking you for this sum of money has ended your friendship.

If you lend it he'll ask for more and you won't get any back.

If you say no he'll go off in a huff and say you aren't a good friend.

At least with the second option you keep your £4000.

Sassylovesbooks · 21/04/2026 11:32

I wouldn't be lending £4K to a friend who is having 'cash flow' issues. It could be that he's self-employed and is struggling or that he's blown £4K over x amount of months on gambling.

I doubt you'll see a penny of the money back either. How's he going to pay you back? It's also very common for addicts, gambling or otherwise to use their children to emotional blackmail you into lending money!!

Girlking · 21/04/2026 11:32

Definitely not. He’s got some nerve to ask!

Goatsarebest · 21/04/2026 11:33

Nearly every financial obligation that is legitimate can be sorted with a proper plan that he is committed to without borrowing from friends. If it really can't, it's one of the following

  1. They have not met previous commitments or lied about the situation so have exhausted options to make a proper plan with properly sourced finance,
  2. The debts are not with legitimate financial institutions due to previously not meeting obligations so need a cash injection not a proper plan,
  3. The money is to buy something they desire but due to previous not meeting obligations can't finance through legitimate sources. This might be for the kids but the red flag is they have no options other than you. It's unlikely to be something they want to buy for them. More something they should be paying for them.
  4. The money is to finance an addiction or behaviour they don't want public.

You will not get your 4k back if you lend him it and he will avoid you or ask for more.

mbonfield · 21/04/2026 11:33

You will end up not a friend of you give the money in my experience.
Why not use a bank or similar.