AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

Nay, nay and thrice nay.

He asked you to borrow it? He wants you to get into debt to lend him money? That’s a no!

I wouldnt give it even if I did know what it was for. Even if i had 20x the amount sitting there ready and waiting.

Unless you dont value the friendship and are willing to lose it or have it changed irrevocably forever. You'll always be the lender; the power and friend dynamic will shift.

Yanbu

Never lend what you can’t afford to lose! There will be a very good reason that the banks won’t lend to him so I wouldn’t either

Ridiculous.

I’d ignore the follow up message. He’s really overstepped by sending that.

It may cost you the friendship - but remember actual friends don’t behave like this.

I would just say you don't have £4K to spare, that's an easy way to put it to bed.

That's what credit cards are for. It would have also given her protection in case her dressmaker went bust or made a hash of making the dress.

If she can't get a credit card and can't find £200 until she gets paid then why is she spending so much on a dress where £200 only covers a deposit?

You aren’t being unreasonable or reasonable. I have done similar for friends and family before, only when I can afford it and with the assumption (not said) that I won’t see it again. When it’s paid back, and it always has been, it’s a bonus.

If somebody really is struggling and desperate, that’s a horrible place to be and almost certainly really humiliating to be asking. If you can it’s a good deed, with no strings attached and you accept it may not get repaid.

Nope. Never lend any money you cannot afford to lose, and from what you say you cannot afford to lose it. If he persists he is not your friend.

Actually, it was Shakespeare.

It's a definite No.

With a signposting to charities that can help.
In times and situations like these a third-party expert is the solution. He can then share his situation and find solutions that are most suitable

Well exactly. Should anyone even be having a 'wedding' at all if they can't afford the deposit for the wedding dress?! And I'm guessing it was a fairly expensive dress as the deposit was £200!

Even if someone can afford to lose £4K though, most people don't want to lose it to someone who is grabby and feckless. As I said, I'd give it to my DC in a heartbeat (and not expect/want it back,) but I would not be giving it away to someone the OP is describing, especially taking into account his behaviour.

I wouldn't.
If you have to ask fruends for finsncial help you have to swallow your pride and say why.

What if he's a gambling addict for example and is going round all his friends?

Also, whats his plan for paying you back? How much a month? Starting when? Would he sign an agreement so you could pursue payments etc?

I wouldn’t do it, probably even if I did know what it was for, tbh. That’s not how friendship works, imo. Exceptions might be to help with funeral costs or something of that nature.

He is asking you to give him money (he isn't borrowing as you will never see it again) and he won't tell you what for... I mean do you really need to ask what you should do? It sounds dodgy. Say no, it'll be 8k next time... then the time after...

If they have money problems point them in the direction of citizens advise who can suggest debt management organisations etc that aren't dodgy loan sharks.

Completely agree that’s why I said I wouldn’t be learning to them! The point of the never lend what you can’t afford to lose is that it’s highly you won’t get it back!

The only friend of DP who does this is in debt up to his eyeballs with a cocaine habit. We always say no but a kind hearted rich friend did lend him thousands for a while - he never paid him back and always asked him for more with another sob story...

If he can't get it anywhere else then he's a poor credit risk. Unless you are prepared and wealthy enough to give him £4000 and never see it again, then NO.

It doesn't really matter what he wants it for. All that matters is 1) Can you afford to give 4k away and 2) are you ok with giving 4k away?

Send him something like this:

On reflection I am not in any position to lend you any money. If you thought I have spare cash then you are mistaken. To be honest I am struggling myself with the cost of living. I am happy to attend Citizens Advice or a Credit Union with you if you need help with your finances. As my dear old dad once said "Neither a lender or a borrower be"

It will be either a gambling or drug debt.

If it was anything else he would have easily gone into specifics.

He's cheeky as fuck for not being open about what it's for, no way.

Here's the test:
Would you be prepared to give him £4000 as a gift?
No?
Then don't lend it.